


Him(?)

by Phanallamallama



Series: The Imaginary Life [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Friendship, Lots of Crying, M/M, Mentions Of Schizophrenia, Mentions of medication, Minor Character Death, Misdiagnosis, Panic Attacks, Sequel, Slow Burn, also there might be smut but idk, gay shit, gays, im trying not to spoil stuff in the tags, lil blood mention, maybe friends to lovers later on???, will have a happy ending for definites
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2017-02-23
Packaged: 2018-06-08 01:51:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 52,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6834115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phanallamallama/pseuds/Phanallamallama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Closed Eyes</p><p>Dan wasn't sure how long he had been staring at the sketch Henry had drawn pinned above his bed. They looked so alike, it was scary how Henry had drawn it from only Dan's description. The eyes, the curve of his lips, jut of his nose, all so close to being perfect that Dan could touch the paper and remember how Phil's skin felt.</p><p>Phil's skin didn't feel like that anymore. Phil wasn't his Phil anymore. They weren't the same temperature and Dan knew how Phil had felt as a reflex, muscle memory, barely thinking. All he knew was touching his skin wasn't the same. Things weren't the same anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. No.2

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Okay yeah I said I wouldn't do a sequel but here we are. A sequel is here. Heads up, I'm sorry but like also sorry for more of the future.
> 
> The idea for this came from a comment from Emma which I have modified a bit and couldn't stop thinking about! So I hope you guys like the changes from that idea if you go back and read that comment from like November.
> 
> I'm also gonna be real, idk how long this will be but I doubt updates will be frequent.
> 
> Disclaimer: the mental illness that I am portraying in this isn't a real one. Partially as this is fiction but also because in real life it doesn't exist, which is why I have stated before Dan had been diagnosed with schizophrenia. In real life this is probably the closest existing disorder that doctors could prescribe treatment for, which is why I have chosen it. Also because the help Dan would receive can be tailored to this disorder to try and help him the best they can. This is confusing I know but I don't want to portray a disorder I only know through a psychology course badly as there are already a lot of stigmas about it. I hope this makes sense.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan finally has his Phil back... right?

Dan wasn't sure how long he had been staring at the sketch Henry had drawn pinned above his bed. They looked so alike, it was scary how Henry had drawn it from only Dan's description. The eyes, the curve of his lips, jut of his nose, all so close to being perfect that Dan could touch the paper and remember how Phil's skin felt.

 

Phil's skin didn't feel like that anymore. Phil wasn't his Phil anymore. They weren't the same temperature and Dan knew how Phil had felt as a reflex, muscle memory, barely thinking. All he knew was touching his skin wasn't the same. Things weren't the same anymore.

 

_____

 

"I'd remember those eyes anywhere," Phil spoke and Dan stared at him, trembling. Phil was... This was him. Except, broader, and with his glasses, and his hair was a bit shorter and pushed back with rainwater. Dan felt a hand rest on his shoulder and he caught Phil's eyes.

 

"You're back," Dan managed to choke out and Phil gave him a lopsided grin.

 

"Moved back a few months ago,"

 

"Why didn't you tell me?" Dan asked, his heart wrenching, tears he hoped look like raindrops threatening his cheeks, but Phil laughed.

 

"Honestly Dan it's been so long it wasn't my first thought," he said and Dan's stomach plummeted. Something wasn't right. "Are you cold?" Phil asked, noting how Dan was trembling. "Should we go and get a coffee and catch up? God, it's been years since I saw you, we used to be so small," Phil smiled fondly, his tongue licking a raindrop off his lips and Dan stared. Those looked the same. Dan knew he had kissed those lips.

 

"But as I said Dan," he murmured, his voice dropping to a softer tone. 'I'd remember those eyes anywhere, even if it's been... Oh god maths will never be my strong point..."

 

Dan was frozen as Phil furrowed his eyebrows, working out the maths in his head. Something wasn't quite right about Phil. His eyes had lost some sparkle, and his neck had a mole on it which Dan knew never used to be there. It hadn't been that long from when he'd last seen him, a year and a bit probably, so doing maths shouldn't be taking so long-

 

"About thirteen years, wow that really was ages ago. You, er, look really good."

 

This wasn't his Phil. This wasn't him.

 

'You haven't changed much though," Phil chuckled, continuing to chatter on. "You always were quiet. So are you okay to go and get coffee?"

 

Dan's brain finally registered reality as he looked at what wasn't the real Phil, just one apparently from his past.

 

He was starting to panic.

 

"I can't, I'm sorry, I said I was dropping off something for my friend," Dan lied. He noted the tremble in his voice and how he couldn't quite reach Phil’s eyes. He remembered how it used to feel to lie like that to Phil. Phil never fully believed him.

 

"That's a real shame," The fake Phil said, face drooping and Dan gave a small nod, hoping he could run as soon as possible. "But hey, have a business card, it has my phone number on it so you should text me to organise a coffee date," Phil said hopefully, voice edging on excitement as he passed Dan a card.

 

Dan let his gaze flick down to it momentarily, noting the beautiful picture on it, as well as Phil’s details. It was enough to shock him out of his panic a little.

 

"You're a photographer?" Dan asked softly and Phil grinned. His Phil would have been brilliant at photography, he had always seen the world so beautifully.

 

He felt that momentary calm slip through his fingers.

 

"Yeah, I'm also into graphic design. I'll tell you more about it another time but my bus is coming. It was really nice seeing you again Dan, please text me, I'd love to catch up. I've… I’ve missed you," Phil said, giving Dan a soft smile, a frown hidden behind it.

 

Dan watched him step onto the bus, card clutched into his hand, his umbrella handle in the other and he watched until Phil had left his sight.

 

Then he ran.

 

_____

 

Dan was still staring at the picture. This was his Phil. That was a different Phil. And Dan had no idea how he knew the different one.

 

Suddenly, he started to feel tears prick his eyes and he doubled over, kneeling and crushing his head into the bedsheets as he began to cry. When he saw him, for those few seconds, he thought it was his Phil. He was all set to kiss him and hug him until he noticed other people noticing Phil. Phil apologising to the woman he nearly knocked with the umbrella and her responding to him. That was what had made him freeze, because either Phil was real, or this wasn't him. And it wasn't. It wasn't him.

 

That hurt more than finding out Phil was 'imaginary'.

 

_____

 

'Headaches, med-shakes and red snakes'. That's what Henry had always said when Dan's head wouldn't stop pounding. Part of it was to do with his medication causing headaches and sometimes trembling, and the last bit was just to make Dan smile. Except Dan wasn't smiling, he was crying against Henry's shoulder as Henry patted his back and tried to soothe him.

 

"This isn't my favourite way you've greeted me during our friendship. I think I liked the time where you just randomly kissed me the most," Henry said, trying to coax a smile from Dan but he couldn't manage it. "Okay babe," Henry said, his voice becoming softer. "Let's move somewhere comfier because my doorway isn't very cosy," he suggested and Dan let him lead him through the house and onto the sofa.

 

"What happened?" Henry asked and Dan let out a loud sob, his breathing starting to get too laboured.

 

"I don't know," he whimpered, resting his head in his hands, squeezing his eyes closed tight.

 

"Okay, I know you're a grown ass man and you pretended you hated it last time but I'm turning you into a sushi roll." Henry told him and Dan didn't have it in his heart to protest. It was focused on other things.

 

Henry wrapped a blanket around Dan and secured it tightly, putting a woolly hat on his head and putting a hot water bottle against his stomach. As Henry carried out the process, Dan's crying became sniffs and the tears dried on his cheeks, Henry passing him a tissue to blow his nose.

 

"Right, hot little sushi roll, do you want to talk about what's wrong or should I put on a movie first?" Henry asked and Dan held up his hand showing two fingers. He didn't feel like he could talk just yet.

 

In true Henry style, Tangled was put on and Henry sat down close so Dan could snuggle against him. This routine had been formed around a year ago where Dan would turn up at Henry's house when he was back from uni crying and Henry would comfort him. It was a good system, and didn't happen too often anymore, but today had just brought it all back.

 

"I thought I saw Phil again," Dan finally explained almost half way into the film. Henry's head swivelled around to look at him quickly and Dan rubbed one of his eyes. "Only this Phil was real. As in people could see him, he interacted with other people, he knew me. Except he said it had been 13 years since I had last seen him. Something's wrong, it's not him.'

Henry twisted around so he could look at Dan more comfortably, squeezing his hand and looking cautious. "Maybe time passes differently in his world to catch up with now?" he suggested but Dan shook his head.

"No, he looked... Different. His features were slightly off and not in a way as if he's aged a few years,"

"Well if you're sure. Are you going to see him again?" Henry wondered, stroking over Dan's palm as if he wasn't concentrating fully.

"He gave me a business card with his number on and said to call him when I rejected going to coffee with him to set a date. I don't know if I will. I want to know how he knew me," Dan mumbled and Henry sighed.

"Dan, please don't take this the wrong way but you haven't been off your meds have you? Do you have the card with you? I just want to make sure this is real so you don't get hurt," Henry said and Dan nodded.

"In my pocket." He rummaged around and pulled it out, passing it to Henry who looked at it closely. "He said he'd remember my eye anywhere. I want to know why, even if it's not quite him," Dan said softly and Henry passed him his card back.

"It looks legit enough. I think you should think it over for a few days though. Make sure you're certain before you contact him, get your head on straight. I really don't want you getting hurt when you've done so well."

 

Dan didn’t respond. It had been a long time, and yes, he knew he was doing better, but well? Dan didn’t know if he had been doing well at all since Phil left. He wasn’t sure if he was getting better or just coping with how his life had turned out. Nothing felt real.

 

It made him want to know this Phil. It made him want to know what his life could have been. An easier life with just a best friend he’d known since childhood, that he could talk to in the open, who could meet his friends and Dan wouldn’t have to get screwed up over. A life that felt real. A life that truly existed.

 

Was it too late to start living his life over? It was all just a number on a business card.

 

“Dan, did I ever tell you I know some palmistry?” Henry asked him and Dan shook his head. “Well, as weird as this sounds, I look at your hands a lot and this here-” he paused, tracing his finger down the centre line of his palm. “This is a fate line. And this will sound confusing but you see those little branching lines going upwards? Well those are a positive mark. They mean that you have overcome shitty times through your own determination and that there is hope for you in your future as it is linked to your fate line. There's also a break in it, meaning things will change soon in your life. I know it's up to you but, I think you should go for it. I think it could help settle your past and help your future. I think it could make you happy.”

 

Dan looked at his palm and closed it, taking a deep breath.

 

“I'll think about it.”

 

_____

 

False smile. Take money. Make coffee.  Hand over cup. Repeat.  

 

Except, in spare moments, Dan would slip his hand into his pocket and fidget with phil's business card. It was roughing at the edges now, a couple of nail marks where he had dug his fingers into the edges when he thought to hard about it. A possibility in a pocket. It shouldn’t confuse him so much. At least his job helped to keep his mind off it. It was mindless, but it took just enough that his mind couldn’t cave into itself. Just a text, just a call. Three days ago. Coping again. One text. One.

 

It could change what he knew of his life. It could change what his life could be. It could just be a coffee, a talk and then the end. Anything.

 

One text?

 

“Tall cappuccino please,” A voice said, sending Dan back to reality, seeing Henry’s grin over the counter.

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear who said that, they must be too close to the floor for me to see,” Dan replied dryly and Henry scowled.

 

“I’ll get you fired,”

 

“Love you too. Tall cappuccino with chocolate sprinkles coming up,” He said, smiling tiredly and starting to make the drink. He finally took in how the cafe was quiet, the lunch rush having ended leaving a short period of calm to drift over; no one wanting orders, just sitting and drinking.

 

“Penny for your thoughts?” Henry asked and Dan put a lid on his coffee.

 

“It’s two-eighty for the drink, and a lot of time for my thoughts,” Dan replied, sighing as Henry passed him the money.

 

“You wanna talk about it? When does your shift end?” Henry asked and Dan shook his head.

 

“Henry, I would love to, but I honestly need to figure this out on my own. I’ll call you if I think I’m going to do anything stupid like put in an application to be a stripper,” Dan said and Henry flashed him a smile, tilting his head, looking Dan up and down.

 

“I’d pay you to take off your clothes to be honest,” He said, winking, and Dan laughed and rolled his eyes.

 

“Yeah everyone wants a schizophrenic stripper,”

 

“That could be your act,”

 

“Go on, get out. I’ll get you kicked out for sexual harassment,” Dan warned and Henry smiled, picking up his coffee.

 

“I’ll go look up potential strip clubs for you then. Text you later.”

 

Dan smiled as Henry walked off, his fingers going back to brushing the edges of the business card. It wasn’t like he’d have to tell the truth about his past.  

 

_____

 

Sometimes Dan would wake up and forget he had problems. He’d wake up and would forget he needed to take his meds until he was eating breakfast, glass in hand and it would ping right in the back of his mind. ‘Take your meds because you’re screwed up and you need to not be screwed up’. Chlorpromazine, 100mg, combats positive symptoms of schizophrenia and can sometimes work as an antidepressant, personal side effects are dry mouth, low sexual arousal and made Dan burn easily. That was meant to fix him up, get rid of any images of Phil he was meant to see and make him appear a normal member of society. He had to have liver tests, have ways to check his own blood pressure as it was prone to falling, having Henry, his dad and emergency services on speed dial in case he needed help. So far he hadn’t have to go to hospital and the doctors didn’t want to raise Dan’s dosage because they didn’t want to increase the risk of side effects and because they felt that Dan was doing ‘well’. People kept using that word for him. People who thought they knew him but honestly he still felt like he did a year ago, just without Phil and used to the feeling. It wasn’t great but at least he knew when his mind was playing up and he could avoid situations he needed to. He was coping, but he wasn’t well.

 

It made his dad and Henry feel better though. It gave them hope and along with a few more of Dan’s smiles (which would often be fake) that he was better. The thing is, Dan’s issue of time felt so warped he could barely remember how he was at his worst to know if he was better. He could recall the events, but not the emotions, the raw feelings and that was scary. It was like he could only have one strong emotion at a time, and happiness didn’t cancel out the loneliness or numb he felt. But knowing this made him scared.

 

Maybe being friends with Phil would be a bad idea. It would be another person to hide himself from, to keep secrets, to keep up an act Dan was so tired of keeping. Be someone Phil would think him to have become. At least when Phil last knew him Dan was quiet and clingy. He could still be that, he still was that in a way. He’d still cling to friends and he was good at being quiet when he needed to be. He might be able to get away with not explaining things to Phil, if things went well, that is. Most people ran at the word ‘schizophrenia’. If things went well, Dan would never want Phil to run as well.

 

If Dan decided to go through with this, Phil couldn’t know. No version of Phil could.

 

_____

 

Henry had to walk Dan to the coffee shop that he and Phil had decided to meet at. Well honestly low-key drag. Considering Henry was several inches smaller than him, he was a lot stronger than he looked. Dan didn’t know if he wanted to go anymore. He had texted Phil to ask when he wanted to meet up and Phil had replied so enthusiastically that Dan sort of just went with it. Now he was being dragged down the street.

 

“Dan please stop making yourself heavy and work with me here,” Henry pleaded and Dan shook his head.

 

“Henry I’m scared,” He replied quietly and Henry stopped him and gave him a comforting smile.

 

“I’m waiting with you until he turns up okay and then leaving if you look comfortable. Otherwise I’ll be like I just ran into you and intrude. It’s going to be okay. I got you. And if you really want you can pretend I’m your boyfriend to make him jealous or if he hits on you make you feel safer or-”

 

“This isn’t making me feel better-”

 

“Shut up you’re going to be fine,”

 

“Also he’s not going to hit on me,” Dan said, forcing himself not to get flustered at the thought. It wouldn’t be like before with his Phil, this would be different.

 

“Dan, my love, you do remember what he said about your eyes? I’m pretty sure he was hitting on you,” Henry said, raising his eyebrows and linking their arms again, tugging Dan on his way. At this however, Dan was now blushing.

 

“Hey, a guy can compliment another guy’s eyes without it being gay,” Dan defended and Henry laughed.

 

“Sure, tell that to the last two guys I slept with. And trust me, now they’re gay as fuck. You could always try and turn him,” Henry suggested and Dan quickly paled.

 

“No. I don’t want that,” He said quickly and Henry squeezed his arm gently.

 

“Yeah sorry, I didn’t think. Either way you can just add another gay friend to the list of many if so,” he said and Dan sighed.

 

“You’re like my only friend Henry,”

 

“Well that just shows the statistics are high for him to be straight. Also if he is gay I’m still your best friend okay? That is a permanent position.” Dan smiled in response, his stomach dropping as he saw the cafe they were meant to wait at. “You doing alright?” Henry asked, tone now gentle as he felt Dan had tightened his grip. Dan clenched his teeth and gave a weak nod. He could do this. It wasn’t Phil. It would answer his questions. He could act okay and nothing had to happen afterwards.

So why was he feeling a little excited?

 

As they got closer to the entrance Dan could see that Phil wasn’t waiting and he scratched at his palm as they stopped in front of the main window. Waiting was always terrible for his nerves and even though he had Henry with him, he really wanted to run right now.

 

“You’re not leaving,” Henry reminded him, grabbing his hand and Dan took a deep breath. “That’s it, you got it. This could really help you.”

 

To help himself, that was why Dan was here. For answers, to try and get over Phil, and reconnect with who he guessed was an old friend. Henry had told him he’d be around to come and pick him up if he needed to escape and be an excuse so Dan would be fine. He would be safe.

 

“You’re trembling,” Henry said softly, reaching a hand up and running his free hand through Dan’s hair before resting it on his forehead, rubbing a few circles along his hairline. “It’s going to be okay, I promise you. Use the finger gun signal if you want me to stay and message me if you need to leave, I’ll be around the corner protesting against Trident. My phone is on loud and vibrate so I won’t miss it,” Henry reminded him and Dan gave him a smile.

 

“I’m so glad you exist at the same time as me,” He told him and Henry grinned.

 

“And I’m glad you love me,” he replied.

 

It was almost perfect timing that Phil appeared out of the corner of Dan’s eye.

 

“Hey Dan.” He turned as he heard his voice, dropping Henry’s hand to see Phil smiling. Shoulders too broad, not tall enough, different glasses, hair windswept, nose slightly off. Not _his_ Phil, just Phil

 

“Hey,” Dan said, praying Phil or Henry noticed the catch in his tone.

 

“Do we have company?” Phil asked, smiling at Henry who was smiling, but Dan knew Henry was scouting Phil out, his eyebrow slightly raised. He looked over to Dan who shook his head slightly.

 

“No, I just walked Dan here because I’ve got some errands to run. I’m Henry by the way, nice to meet you, greet you and retreat from you. Bye Dan, don’t drink too much caffeine, bye.” Henry said and with that he was walking away.

 

Dan turned nervously to Phil. “You get used to him,” He managed to say and Phil chuckled.

 

“He seems great. Does he use that phrase a lot?”

 

“He’s actually been waiting for an opportunity to use it. I’m surprised he didn’t thank you for the situation.”

 

Phil laughed again, and Dan was surprised he felt so comfortable. He had been able to reply without having to think, and he was hoping it was just that his body remembered this Phil from when they were younger, not because his mind was deluding him.

 

“Should we go in?” Phil asked and Dan managed a small yet genuine smile.

 

“Yeah, let’s get no-too-much-caffeine.”

 

Phil held the door open for Dan and he felt his body tense up. He felt his mind race back to what Henry had said, to how his Phil used to do similar things. It couldn’t be like this. He clenched a fist as they walked to the queue and Dan peered at the board. All of the words showed ‘not yours’. This wasn’t his Phil.

 

“What are you thinking of having?” Phil asked and Dan forced a safe answer.

 

“Just a latte. Caffeine makes me shake a bit,” he explained, looking away from the words to Phil.

 

_Not his Phil._

 

“A man of my own tastes. I’m just partial to a shot of caramel,” Phil said and Dan decided to chuckle, and an idea hit him.

 

“I’m not one for sweets much anymore, I remember I’d give you mine sometimes,” he tested, knowing he could play it off if he needed to as Phil having had forgotten. It didn’t mean his fist wasn’t still clenched from anxiety.

 

“Oh yeah!” Phil said enthusiastically, and Dan breathed a sigh of relief and smiled. “My mum always got mad when she found out but you still did it anyway. You were a bad influence on me,” Phil teased and Dan scowled.

 

“I was not. You’re older anyway I couldn’t have influenced you.” Dan retorted, biting his tongue too late. His Phil had been older. This one might not be.

 

“Yeah, about that, what does it feel like not being able to drink in America?” Phil joked and Dan felt like that a God somewhere must be taking a lot of pity on him right now to have everything going his way so far.

 

He said a silent prayer before responding: “What’s it like having Donald Trump as a president?” Dan retorted and Phil laughed loudly.

 

“That’s why I’ll need to be able to drink if he gets elected. I’m there too much to be okay with him running things.”

 

Dan was about to ask Phil why he was there so often but the barista asked him for his order, making him turn away. At least it meant when they sat down Dan could ask about Phil’s new life. However, while they were waiting on Phil’s drink to be ready, it was fascinating watch the barista interact with Phil. Even though he was only asking basic questions such as wanting chocolate powder on top, but it was still so new seeing Phil being treated as real. Although Dan was constantly yelling at himself to remember how this wasn’t the Phil he knew, simply watching the most similar person to him physically being able to interact with Dan’s world made him ache. If he concentrated a little less he knew he’d see _his_ Phil, his Phil being real. Dan couldn’t handle that.

 

Then Phil was passed his drink and he smiled back at Dan, almost making him jump.

 

“You making sure I’m still here?” Phil teased and Dan’s gut lurched, trying to keep his face composed.

 

“Yeah, making sure the pen on your chin won’t get rubbed off,” he retorted. There was no pen mark, but Phil didn’t have to know, and he didn’t need to know his rudeness was a defence mechanism.

 

Phil quickly rubbed at his chin, blushing and Dan wished he could find it funny. It just couldn’t be, not when Dan was so aware that this was the fake him, the facade he was so tired of putting on to people he knew. It made them feel better, and sometimes Dan, he was just so tired that he couldn’t be his own sad standards without others worrying.

 

“Is it gone now?” Phil asked, a red blotch on his chin now to replace the imaginary stain.

 

“Yeah,” Dan replied, knowing his voice now sounded tired and he hoped the caffeine would help boost his mood too.

 

“Good. Where do you wanna sit? By the window?” Phil suggested and Dan nodded, letting Phil lead the way and sit down.

 

“So, you said you go to America a lot?” Dan asked, taking a long sip of his coffee. It was too hot, but Dan was used to burning his tongue a lot recently.

 

“Yeah. Sometimes work sends me out to take travel photos. It’s pretty great. Also my parents have moved out there so I get to see them at the same time which works out,”

 

“I guess they were tired of the rain,” Dan commented and Phil chuckled. “What do you do specifically? Like what’s your job title?”

 

“Would it be bad to say I don’t know the official title? I’m definitely a photographer at least,” Phil smiled at himself, taking a sip of coffee before continuing. “Pretty much I get paid to take tourist shots for advertising but then it can also be the public reacting to a certain advert. Like say getting a picture of Inside Out’s target audience of kids looking at an advert for it on a bus. It varies but it’s all from the same company. I think I could get changed to a different task soon though,” Phil told him, looking genuinely pleased that he was able to do all of this for his job.

 

“Sounds cool. So I take it you went to uni?”

 

“Yeah, combined media and photography degree. Perfect for what I’m doing.”  

 

Dan had noticed that when this Phil talked, his body language was different. This Phil used lots of hand gestures, something his Phil hadn’t done too often. He also let his posture widen out, back straight but not tucked in like Dan was used to. It was different, and weird, and Dan had been more focused on that than what Phil had been saying.

 

His hands looked very similar though.

 

“So did you go to uni? You’d be in your second year, right? Unless you took a gap year,” Phil asked curiously.

 

“I haven’t actually started yet. I took a gap year and then I had some… issues, so I’m going in September.” Dan was proud he had managed to say that.

 

“Ah cool, so what are you doing at the moment?” Phil said, actually seeming curious about Dan’s life, but not what the issues had been.

 

“I’m a barista.”

 

“Well at least a coffee date was a good idea then?” Phil said, trying to lighten up the mood whilst Dan pretended not to hear the word ‘date’. “Unless you’re really bored of coffee and you’re just being polite?” Phil asked, scratching the back of his neck nervously.

 

“No I like coffee,” Dan said, giving him a small smile.

 

“How about raisins?” Phil asked, a glint in his eyes.

 

“Er… not really?” Dan replied.

 

“How about another date then?” He asked, smiling at himself and Dan groaned, hoping it wasn’t a serious offer.

 

“That was terrible,” he decided to respond and Phil laughed.

 

“I saw an opportunity,” Phil explained.

 

“To be a huge flirt?” Dan quipped, his tone a little harsher than he had intended. Phil held his hands up in a fake surrender.

 

“It's not meant to harm you, sorry. I'm just a bit nervous…” Phil explained, his cheeks flushing lightly and dan wanted to laugh. He was the one who should be nervous.

 

“Why would you be nervous because of me?” Dan asked, a laugh at the end of his voice, but Phil went quiet.

 

“This will sound lame but, when I had to leave it screwed me up a bit. I was a loner for a while,I didn't want to have a friend who wasn't you. I looked you up on social media when we were older, but I was always too scared to message you.  And now meeting you feels a bit like fate. I don't want to screw it up and not see you again.”

 

This was why his Phil had left. Dan never having treated Phil's feelings seriously, even if he pretended he had. He hadn’t treated Phil well enough, he had been right to leave.

 

Dan didn't know too much about fate, but this did feel like something real. Phil's earnest eyes, the raw truth having just fallen off his lips. Dan didn't know about fate, but this felt like a second chance. Maybe Henry had been right. Maybe this would be the reason an indent on his hand was split. It was a silly idea and yet, it gave him comfort. Dan could change his life.

 

He took a deep breath.

 

“You’ll see me again. I promise.”

  
  



	2. Cheer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sleeping is hard, Dan changes where he lives and plants all have names.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a while but it's pretty long! I hope you like it!

One of the worst things about a breakup was not being able to sleep without the person beside you. Dan hated lying awake staring at the ceiling, a thousand thoughts swirling around his head. He hated how these thoughts were just repeats from a year ago, and how they’d appear every few weeks just to mess with him again. He hated how he still missed Phil. It was like some sick joke his mind was playing back on himself for becoming more stable, able to function without Phil, someone he had used as a crutch for years. 

 

Nights like this were the worst.

 

Dan had gone from sharing a bed with someone for 5 years to sleeping alone, and his bed still felt empty. He still grasped out at the sheets searching for Phil. It wasn’t too often, but it was enough to make his blood run cold like acid guilt was pumping through his body at how he’d ruined everything. It was times like this that Dan wanted  _ his _ Phil back and would pay any cost. He wanted to take extra medication to try and stop the feeling. He wanted to be able to sleep. He just wanted to feel something constantly, rather than all of his emotions fluctuating from self-loathing to pride.

 

Sometimes when Dan was trying to distract himself from these thoughts, he’d imagine the shadows on his ceiling morphing into people, creating a little shadow society in his head. The shapes would curl into faces and bodies flickering in and out of his vision, twisting into people. But then one would always change into Phil and it would make him gag.

 

This was why staying awake wasn’t good for him. Consciousness meant thoughts and Dan would always relate Phil to the darkness.

 

For about a year, Dan had avoided looking at stars. Something which most people wouldn’t think about, he realised, because most people don’t even recall looking. But Dan would be careful and only go out on cloudy nights. He didn’t know anyone else who scrunched their eyes shut when closing the curtains. 

 

Dan was probably the only one to hate the stars in the whole world. Henry used to talk about the stars and constellations and how the moon could technically be asexual or a lesbian if it was related back to Greek mythology. He hadn’t for a while since one day Dan coincidentally threw up during the conversation. Part of it had been that he was ill, but Henry seemed to hold off just to be sure.  

 

The night that he met Phil again was the first time he could look at the stars. He could look, and it was amazing, but he felt guilty. It didn't feel right looking at something that was  _ theirs  _ but not  _ his _ and thinking about the wrong  _ him _ . 

 

But this new him wasn’t bad. New Phil wasn’t bad. He was a nice person, and obviously cared for Dan if he had thought about him for a long while since he had moved away. It would be so easy to let his guard down if he didn’t look like the Phil he had fallen in love with. The more he stared the more he noticed slight differences, but then his eyes would start to blur from the intensity of his gaze and suddenly it would be his Phil sat across the table sipping coffee. Dan couldn’t keep dealing with that. It had almost made him consider getting an eye test. 

 

He still had his Phil’s pair of glasses. They lived on his bedside table and sometimes Dan would just hold them at night. He reached out for them now, sliding them onto his face and then staring around the room. Things didn’t really seem much different, maybe slightly sharper, but this sent a shock down Dan’s spine and he almost broke them he slammed them on the table so hard. 

 

He had thought that Phil had had pretty bad eyesight, but he almost couldn’t remember now. He didn’t want these glasses to be his own prescription. He also really didn’t want to forget these details about Phil.

 

He reached back onto the table and picked up his phone, wanting any form of distraction, but then threw it aside and shoved his head into his pillow. Dan had reached the point of no return a while ago and now it was going to be a long night instead.

 

Maybe Dan shouldn't have made that promise to Phil.

 

_____

 

“Well you look like shit,” Henry said as Dan mechanically started to crank out his usual order.

 

“I wasn’t here fast enough to get my own order. I didn’t sleep and I don’t even have caffeine in me. If I collapse can I sue anyone or would it just make my life harder?” Dan asked, the chocolate sprinkles missing Henry’s cup and Henry pulled a sympathetic face. 

 

“I don’t think it will help you if I’m honest. Why couldn’t you sleep?” Henry asked curiously and Dan let out a sigh.

 

“My brain wouldn’t shut up about how stupid I am,” Dan said, knowing it wasn’t a complete lie.

 

“You’re lovely. Should I come by for lunch? I have an afternoon shift,” Henry asked as he added sugar to his cup and stirring it in. 

 

“Yes please, then I can go home and nap,” Dan sighed dreamily, passing Henry a lid for his coffee and Henry smiled. 

 

“See you later sunshine,”

 

“Bye moonbeam,” Dan replied, a soft smile on his lips as Henry walked off. He wished he could have talked more, but Dan could see more people queueing up and the newbie on the same shift wasn’t going to help much. He muttered a quick plea to the sky before taking the next order and trying not to check the clock to find out how long he had left.

 

(Three hours and 27 minutes.)

 

_____

 

Dan was staring at the clock as his last minute ticked away, the rush of customers having finally subsided and it was so nearly time for him to leave until-

 

“Dan? This is the place you work?” 

 

Dan wanted to cry. “Oh hi Phil. Yeah, my shift is just about over so you’ll be the last person I serve. What do you want?”

 

Something Dan had noticed since Phil had left was that his acting was getting a lot better. Even though he was close to breaking down he could hide his shaking hands under the counter, stretch a smile on his face and blink away the tears forming in his eyes.

 

“Caramel latte to go please,” Phil smiled, and Dan wanted to squint at how sunny it was when he felt so grey. 

 

“What size?”

 

“Small please.” Dan got to work while Phil watched on cheerfully, Dan trying not to swear at the heavens for not just giving him one last customer to serve, but for it to be this new imposter-Phil. 

 

He finished making the drink and handed it to Phil who smiled. 

 

“And I’m free. See you later Phil,” Dan said, turning to leave but Phil spoke up.

 

“Are you doing anything now? I can wait for you.” Dan nearly ground his teeth.

 

“I’m meeting Henry for lunch near here so you don’t have to-”

 

“I’ll walk you there,” Phil cut in and Dan gave him a forced smile before finally leaving to go and grab his belongings.

 

He had spent most of the night thinking about his Phil and that Phil and just seeing the weird combination of them today was too much for Dan to cope with. He really did want to befriend this Phil to try and help him get over his Phil and because he was interesting, it was just going to be so difficult. His mind played too many tricks on him as it was, this could possibly make him worse again.

 

But he had Henry, he had ways of coping and he could go back to see Ricky whenever to discuss things. He was going to stick at this for as long as he could.

 

_____

 

Just as Phil had said, he was waiting downstairs when Dan returned, smiling at him broadly.

 

“You didn’t have to you know,” Dan mumbled, but he felt a bit more level headed after having a break to breathe.

 

“I wanted to. You look exhausted, honestly I just wanted to make sure someone was around in case you collapse,” he said and Dan hummed, feeling guilty his thoughts had been so mean.

 

“Couldn’t sleep and didn’t have time for caffeine. Not a good shift. After lunch, I’m napping for the rest of the afternoon,” Dan told him, offering him a small thankful smile.

 

“I can’t blame you. I need to go and talk to my manager today but I got here too early which is why I’m sort of killing time,”

 

“Isn’t life just fun when it’s disorganised?” Dan said sarcastically and Phil chuckled.

 

“Yup, the funnest. Tell my family I want to be cremated when I’ve been killed in half an hour,” Phil said dryly and Dan winced.

 

“Yikes. Did you do something bad or?”

 

“My manager is rarely happy with me so I feel like whenever he calls for me it’s going to be my last time going anywhere. This coffee has boosted my mood though, you make a good latte,” Phil told him and Dan internally yelled at himself not to enjoy the compliment.

 

“It’s probably the caffeine,” Dan deflected but Phil just rolled his eyes.

 

“Modesty is terrible. You should brag about your skills and then become rich and famous,” Phil told him and Dan laughed.

 

“Yeah, that’s definitely going to happen,” he said and he noticed Henry sitting at their usual meetup bench on his phone.

 

Sometimes Dan wondered if Henry had superpowers or heightened senses because whenever they were meant to meet Henry would always notice him at the most convenient time. (The other weird superpower he seemed to have was being able to unlock his phone at exactly 4:20. Unless that was just something all stoners could do.) This particular power had been proven once again as his head jerked around to see Dan, a smile on his face, and then it wobbled when he saw Phil as well. He must have been able to tell that Dan needed support because he jumped into action right away.

 

“Dan!” Henry yelled, putting his best acting smile on and walking over before hugging him tightly and kissing his cheek. “Hey babe, good shift?” 

 

“A killer. I’m dying,” Dan replied and Henry smiled, moving away but staying close.

 

“Nice to see you again Phil, you doing okay?” Henry asked and Phil nodded.

 

“Yeah I’m doing well for now. I have a meeting soon though so I should probably get on my way. Dan looks about ready to collapse though so I thought I’d escort him for you ,” Phil said, making a light joke, but Dan could see the fake on Henry’s smiling face. 

 

“As long as you don't escort him like I do,” Henry said sweetly but Dan squeezed his hand to stop him. He didn't want Phil to back off that much, and threatening might be a bit far.

 

“Bye Phil, good luck,” Dan cut in and Henry waved as Phil returned it, looking a little sheepishly at Henry before walking away and Henry leant up and pressed his hand to Dan's forehead.

 

“You look ready to die, and I’m not allowing that. My place is closer, want to have lunch here and then nap there? My shift isn’t going to be too long so we can hang out?” Henry asked, stabilizing Dan’s shaking hand and Dan smiled. 

 

“I’d like that. But Hen, no more threats,” Dan warned him and Henry pouted. “It was a clever one though,” Dan added, making Henry grin.

 

“Either way he won't be trying to get into your pants,” 

 

“Ah, and isn't that just every gay man's’ dream?”

 

_____

 

Henry left Dan after lunch with a kiss on the cheek and pressing his spare key into Dan’s hand, telling him to ‘keep it this time’ before going into his workplace. Dan was much happier for the fifteen minute bus ride rather than the near forty minute one back to his house. As soon as he got to Henry’s he took the key (now attached to his keychain) and unlocked the door, heading straight into Henry’s room. He pulled out the spare pyjamas he had in one of the drawers and changed quickly before closing the curtains and falling onto Henry’s bed, snuggling into the comfort and enjoying his peaceful drift into sleep. 

 

He remembered being woken up by a body pressing against his and he groaned and blinked his eyes open, seeing Henry curling into him and smiling at him.

 

“Evening. Good nap?” Henry asked and Dan shut his eyes again, letting out a small groan.

 

“Yeah. It was. Work okay?” Dan returned and Henry nodded.

 

“Yeah. I got some free samples, so you can have a really nice bath if you want one,”

 

“You’re too good to me,” Dan mumbled, pressing a kiss to his temple.

 

“It’s one of your favourites as well,” he added and Dan let out a groan.

 

“Why don’t I just live with you?” Dan mumbled and Henry stroked his hair back. 

 

“I have asked you before,” Henry reminded him and Dan sighed.

 

“Sorry I do want to. I’m just scared you’ll get frustrated having to keep an eye on me even more than you do. And we’d have to convince my dad I’m stable enough,”

 

“Your dad loves me, it will be fine. And I love being around you even when you’re at your worst. At least this way I can be here for you, and it’s closer to work and uni when you start to go, and then we can go together. I mean why do you think I got an apartment with a spare room and have spares of your pills here? You pretty much live here already.” He then laughed as the realisation washed over Dan’s face. “Do you want to think it over in the bath?” Henry asked, pushing Dan’s fringe out of his eyes and Dan nodded.

 

“Yeah, that sounds good.” Dan managed to pull himself from the sheets and stretched as Henry let out a yawn. 

 

“The bath bomb is in my backpack, candles are in the cabinet with a lighter and I would offer you a cocktail but I only have wine because I’m secretly a lesbian. But that’s in the fridge. I’m gonna have a nap now so please don’t wake the sleeping lion because I will bite you,” Henry mumbled before shoving his head in the pillow and Dan chuckled softly.

 

“I wouldn’t say making me nap with you is biting but whatever. Thanks Hen, you’re a babe,” Dan told him and Henry made a noncommittal groan.

 

“Shush. Sleeping.”

 

Dan creeped out of the room and began filling the tub, deciding against candles tonight but padded downstairs to try and find Henry’s bag and the bottle of wine. It made him chuckle at how much like a married couple they were, it was nice without the commitment and probably stronger than most married couples anyway. It suited them.

 

He poured himself a glass of wine before going upstairs where he shoved the bath bomb in the bath and shut the door, sliding out of his clothes and into the bath, letting out a happy sigh as he felt his body relax.

 

He should move in with Henry. He knew it wouldn’t always be like this, but otherwise Henry was someone Dan was comfortable around, and likewise for Henry. If they fought then it was never anything big, and the one time they had, half an hour later they were both apologising profusely and it was fine not long after. They would help each other and work together and live together but actually thrive instead of just living. It would be good. Dan wanted this. He could turn over a new leaf. This was a decision he should have gone for a long time ago really, he was just scared it would remind him of when Phil was around. Henry was nothing like Phil though, and he was better for him, so if Dan let that be an issue he would probably have to slap himself.

 

Dan would also start to remember that this new Phil had his own feelings. Sometimes whenever he looked back, he felt a stab in his stomach at the times he had wished Phil hadn’t been real because it would be easier for himself. He had been selfish and manipulated Phil in so many ways and he had never deserved it. Wishing Phil not to be real was wishing him dead. If he did this to the new Phil it would repeat everything that had happened and Dan would have killed two people. One only he knew, but one who had family and many people who cared about him. Neither was okay, but he seriously needed to not make the same mistakes again. 

 

Dan was going to be less selfish to Phil, to Henry, to try and start giving back when he could. He’d talk to his dad more, he’d maybe even try and talk to his mum. He’d sort out his life whilst trying to help the people he loved as well.

 

He slid back into the bath and closed his eyes, breathing in the gentle scents, letting his fingers drag through the water. 

 

It was all going to be okay.

 

_____

 

Dan was staring at his pruned up fingers as he wiggled his shoulders, feeling how much less tension was now residing in his back. He swooshed his body back in the water, deciding it was time to probably wash his hair and get out when he heard a knock on the door.

 

“Hey Dan you want some pizza, I’m ordering.” Time to start.

 

“Yeah, I’m paying though if you order,” He called back and heard Henry let out a little whoop.

 

“Does this mean I can order stuffed crust and feel less guilty?” He asked teasingly and Dan smiled to himself.

 

“Yeah as long as mine has cheesy bites,” He replied.

 

“Oh yes, you’re a babe. Want your usual?”

 

“Yes please. And you’re the babe,”

 

“I know.” Henry said and Dan heard his footsteps pad off. He chuckled and dunked his head in the water, grabbing the first shampoo he could find off Henry's bath stand. He lathered his hair and rinsed it off  in the water, closing his eyes to forget the countless times that he and Phil had done the same routine. The tattoo of his name was still ever present on his ribs. He used to cover it over with a plaster or foundation or anything he could, to try and make himself forget. However as time passed, he was able to look at the name and it would not harm him. At least not to the extreme. 

 

He rinsed off and stood up, grabbing his towel and drying up, replacing the pyjamas he was originally wearing. He walked through to the lounge and flopped down on the sofa beside Henry. 

 

“Your hair looks silly,” Henry told him, ruffling it into a mohawk. Dan batted his hand away, leaning on Henry’s shoulder and smiling. 

 

“I wanna live with you,” He said softly and he knew Henry was grinning.

 

“You sure? Even with my illegal tendencies?” He he asked and Dan chuckled.

 

“It’s just weed. It could be worse, so yes, definitely.” Henry beamed.

 

“Aww babe, I knew you wanted to take our relationship to the next level,” He simpered and Dan chuckled. “But seriously I’m so happy right now, I’m gonna grab the bottle and actually be classy and use a glass,” Henry said, kissing Dan’s head before jumping up and padding into the kitchen.

 

“You're such a wine Mom,” Dan called after him, teasing. But he was happy. Living with Henry was something he should have done a long time ago. He had let the feeling of Phil push him away for too long. Henry was worth so much more than petty jealousy from someone who was no longer around. This reality check was also reminding him how much he had wanted this for the past months ever since Henry had dropped out. For the past year or so really.

 

“So when are we going to tackle your dad?” Henry asked, placing two full glasses down on the coffee table.

 

“As soon as possible without it looking like I hate living with him,” Dan said, reaching over and taking a glass, curling his legs up and sipping.

 

“We’ll sort it. It will be fine. And I’m proud of you for really moving on.” Henry let out a quiet chuckle. “I used to think you compared me to him, even when he left. I used to think I wasn’t as good as him. It was especially hard at times.” He smiled sadly and Dan laced their fingers together.

 

“I’m not going to say that I never thought about how you were different from each other, but it was never in a way that compared you. You were never worth less than him to me, you could never be. Looking back half the time I realise my relationship with him was pretty terrible. I just wanted to make sure I was truly past that point before moving in with you because I never want to feel that way about you as you deserve more than that. You deserve so much more than shitty half emotions,” Dan told him honestly. “I can’t remember if I ever reached the point of wishing that it would be easier for you and him to switch places, but if I did I’m really sorry. Will you forgive me and my stupid thoughts?” He asked and Henry squeezed his hands.

 

“Of course. It’s not like I never wondered what would happen if you switched places with batman because who wouldn’t want a rich millionaire as a friend,” Henry said, joking, but Dan shook his head.

 

“Henry… you don’t have to joke about it. I feel completely differently about you to Phil and I have a better relationship with you than I did with him. And not because you were real and he wasn’t. Because you’re you, and you make me less of a shitty person. You kept me sane while he drove me insane and made me believe I needed him to live. I will never want to stop trying to pay you back for being so good to me when I was such an asshole, so I hate to say it, but you’re really stuck with me.” Dan said, holding Henry’s gaze. Henry smiled, tears welling up in his eyes and he leant forwards and kissed Dan gently on the lips for a few seconds, Dan blinking in surprise as Henry moved away.

 

“That’s why I fell in love with you, and also why it would never have worked with him there,” Henry said softly, wiping his eyes and sniffing, reaching for his wine glass.

 

“Wait what?” Dan interrupted, grabbing Henry’s hand back  and he laughed in return. 

 

“Jesus you’re blind,”

 

“You’re in love with me?” Dan asked, eyebrows nearly meeting his hairline and Henry poked his forehead. 

 

“Was. Don’t get bigheaded. I’m not now, that just reminded me of why I was,” Henry explained and Dan blinked.

 

“So I’ve just been stupid forever?” Dan asked and Henry chuckled.

 

“Yeah pretty much. You’ve always and maybe always will be in love with Phil though even if he was not the best for you, so I gave up a while ago. Don’t worry about it.” 

 

Dan let out a loud sigh and grabbed his and Henry’s glasses, passing Henry his and raised them. “A toast to Henry for putting up with my shit whilst being the best person in the world. Thanks to him for loving me and still being here. I wish I could be as strong as him. Also I wish my ass was as good as his,” Dan declared and Henry grinned, clinking their glasses together.

 

“I’ll drink to that,” he said and they both took long sips.

 

“So when we slept together you were-”

 

“Butt crazy yeah. But I stopped it after because I realised I- and no offence- had more worth than to keep lying to myself.” Dan stared at him with widened eyes. 

 

“Jesus christ. I wish I was half as strong as you,” Dan told him and Henry laughed.

 

“A lot is in this tiny body. Now, movie time. Your day has been shitty, and it’s time to fix it.”

 

_____

 

They were nearly at the end of the movie, their eyes drooping as they nearly fell asleep on the sofa when Dan’s phone vibrated. Henry made a whining noise from Dan’s shoulder as he checked it and he swallowed when he saw it was Phil. He opened the text, and bit his lip.

 

“Phil wants to meet up again, what do I say?” Dan asked Henry who hummed.

 

“Is he tall? Do you think he could help us move your stuff in?” He suggested and Dan chuckled.

 

“We have to ask my dad first you know,”

 

“Oh I texted him early asking ‘hypothetically’. He said it would be about time so I think you’re good,” Henry said and Dan laughed.

 

“And here I was going to tell him in person,” 

 

“You still can. I did say hypothetically.” Dan messed up Henry’s hair and looked at the message again.

 

“Are you sure about asking him to help me move? Are _ you _ okay with it? Won’t it be weird?”

 

“No it will be more casual whilst saying ‘hey I have a roommate so if you’re aiming to sleep with me it will be harder’,” Henry said and Dan rolled his eyes. 

 

“Fine. When are we both off work? I don’t have Saturday, do you?”

 

“Yeah but only the morning. So afternoon? See if that’s okay with him.”

 

**To Phil:**   
_ Yeah. I’m moving into Henry’s this saturday and he asked if you would be happy to help me move in as you’re tall and look strong? We’ll feed you _

 

**From Phil:**

_ He might be disappointed in the strong thing but yeah sounds fun! What time should I come over? _

 

**To Phil:**

_ Idk like 1? Henry is at work in the morning but I’ll probably be sleeping until lunch so _

 

**From Phil:**

_ Works for me! Text me the address and I’ll see you then! *\\(^o^)/* _

 

“Phil says it sounds fun. He’s gonna come around one.”

 

“Cool. Hey now we can test if gays are actually good at assembling furniture or not. Also we need to go to ikea to get you a bed frame,” He said and Dan laughed.

 

“We don’t even know if he’s gay though,”

 

“Oh I’ll find out,” Henry said deviously and Dan rolled his eyes. “And if he’s not he can be our control subject. Anyways can we go to bed now? I need my beauty sleep,”

 

“What beauty?”

 

“Tell Phil it’s cancelled because I killed you.” 

 

_____

 

Dan felt the darkness crawling up his arms as he moved forwards warily. He knew if he reached out his arms either side he’d feel walls, and could possibly find another way out, but his arms felt glued around his sides. He kept stumbling along, hoping he wouldn’t trip as he felt cobwebs tangle his hair and he felt his foot catch on something and he was on his knees. He looked around, hoping to see something and he blinked as a spotlight blinded him. He pulled at his arms and felt them come free and he managed to stand up, his eyes flittering around. 

 

“Dan?” He heard and he tried to look towards where he heard the voice.

 

“Where are you?” Dan asked and a different spotlight lit up in front of him. 

 

Phil stepped into the light.

 

“Dan,” Phil repeated and Dan’s heart plummeted. 

 

“Which one are you?” Dan asked warily and Phil’s face fell.

 

“The one that’s yours,” Phil replied and Dan bit his lip.

 

“The last one I thought was mine turned out not to be.” Dan voiced his insecurity and Phil bit his lip. “Tell me something you know that no one else knows,” 

 

Phil thought for a second before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. “When you went to your first party and came home drunk, before you fell asleep you told me you liked my glasses. You may not remember, but you did, and it stopped me getting contact lenses for about a year before I did.”

 

Dan felt his eyes well up as he stared at Phil. He knew he had said this, even if he was pretty out of it, and the confession after just reminded Dan that Phil gave up so much for him. 

 

“It’s you,” Dan whispered and stumbled towards him, knocking him back a little as he crushed himself against him, wiping his eyes on Phil’s shoulder. “I know this has to be a dream because you’re finally back with me, but I’m just so happy it’s you,” he mumbled and Phil squeezed his shoulders, pushing him away gently and smiling into his eyes.

 

“If only you were sure,” Phil said, his smile twisting into a sneer as Dan stared with confused eyes. Phil reached his hands up to his cheeks and started to drag his nails down them, skin peeling away under his claws and revealing bright red flesh. Dan felt bile rise in his throat and he turned and stumbled away, hearing laughter in his ears as after a few steps Phil appeared in another spotlight in front of him, this time ripping at his forehead.

 

“You were so sure,” Phil laughed, dropping a large section of bloody skin onto the ground, squashing it under his foot. 

 

“Stop it,” Dan choked out, doubling over as he retched, but Phil grabbed his chin and pulled it up to meet his eyes. 

 

“No. I don’t obey you.” These weren’t his Phil’s eyes, they were greyer, and as Dan’s focus was lost, he watched as Phil dragged a nail across his own throat and  _ yanked at the skin- _

 

Dan jolted up and ripped the duvet off, ignoring Henry’s protesting moans and running to the bathroom, throwing up heavily in the toilet. He felt burning tears stream down his face as he emptied the pizza he had eaten earlier, his head pounding from the wine. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to not remember how he’d felt this exact way the first time Phil disappeared and revealed physically that he wasn’t real. 

 

“Dan babe, are you okay?” He heard Henry’s voice and sobbed harder, leaning back from the toilet and resting his head against the stem of the sink.  

 

“No,” he wept and Henry grabbed the glass on the windowsill with water and passed it to Dan, sitting down on the floor beside him and rubbing his back gently, coaxing Dan to drink.

 

“What happened? Too much pizza and alcohol?” Henry asked and Dan shuddered.

 

“Nightmare. I’ll need alcohol to forget it,” Dan said bitterly, his hands shaking as he gripped the glass.

 

“Maybe not a good idea since you just threw up. Do you think you will again?” Henry asked and Dan took a deep breath, feeling his chest tense, but the nauseous feeling was gone.

 

“I don’t think so,” Dan said and Henry moved his fringe out of his face. 

 

“Okay well I’m going to get you back to bed, help you change your t-shirt and get a lukewarm cloth to get rid of the sweat. Sound manageable?” Henry asked and Dan nodded.

 

“Can you help me up?”

 

“Of course.”

 

Henry escorted Dan back to the bed where he sat him down and changed his clothes, disappearing for a minute and returning with a cloth and the glass. He cleaned Dan up before putting a towel and a bin on the floor next to Dan’s side of the bed. 

 

“Wake me if you need me in the night okay? Now snuggle down.” Henry prodded him gently and Dan slid back under the covers, lying on his side to face Henry who was mirroring him in the dark. 

 

“I love you, and thank you,” Dan said softly and Henry leant forwards and kissed his forehead.

 

“Anytime, roomie.”

 

____

 

Dan called in sick the next day, not feeling physically or emotionally stable enough to go to work and deal with people. Also potentially have to see Phil again now that he knew where Dan worked. It was irrational, but it still freaked him out. He wasn’t ready to see Phil just yet. 

 

His dream was making him nervous for saturday, and on friday night when he was packing everything up into boxes removing the portrait of  _ his _ Phil from the wall nearly made him heave again. He was even leaving the last space he had shared with Phil behind, and getting this new Phil to help him. It was making his head spin with guilt. This new Phil wasn’t a replacement, and it was a good thing that he was moving on, right? There was just some nagging part of him that if Phil could see him he’d be watching in heartbreak. Dan could picture the glassy eyes and trembling lip as his face flushed and he clenched his fists. Dan already wanted to burn that image from his mind. 

 

Living with Henry would be good and Phil would want that. The other Phil was just the problem, and yet Dan no longer knew the Phil he used to love, and he needed to stop letting that affect him. He needed to let himself move on and only hold his own Phil in memories, not delusions. 

 

It was still hard for him to sleep that night. His body was exhausted from work and packing and his mind was spinning and he still couldn’t drift off. He was scared to dream, scared for tomorrow, scared to see Phil in case the worst happened. If his dream were to repeat itself in any way Dan might freak out in front of Phil, and then there was no hiding himself away. Dan just r _ eally _ wanted to try and know this Phil, learn about their past together and what could have caused his whole ‘madness’. He wanted to find the kind of person he could have been if Phil had stayed and they’d grown up together. If he had known a physical Phil. Would they have stayed friends or drifted apart? Would Dan be any different? Would he have known Henry? It made Dan wonder if he’d have been better off in some aspects not knowing him up until now and only by freak chance. His whole world was just a big question mark when he thought about it too much, and because of that he stayed away from these thoughts. However, for once, these ones weren’t negative. They gave Dan soft smiles at how different things could have been, and how tomorrow he was moving in with his best friend, having been in hospital a year ago. Dan had done well in this life, and that was what mattered.

 

This time when Dan shut his eyes, he fell into a dreamless sleep.

 

_____

 

Dan hadn’t realised how hard it would be having to pack, load, unload, unpack and then rearrange when moving in. His dad had let him borrow his car and Dan spent a good hour loading it with all of his boxes of clothes, books, a flat-pack and even managing to fit a wardrobe in there. His dad had suggested he order a new mattress to go with his new bed-frame so if he ever stayed back at home he’d actually have somewhere to sleep. Dan had agreed and they had ordered a mattress to arrive on the Wednesday. Dan had explained he’d just share with Henry like always before then. 

 

When he had finally managed to drive to Henry’s- he meant, his flat, he was shocked to see Phil waiting outside, a potted plant in his arms. Dan took a breath and stepped out of the car, smiling at Phil as he locked it.

 

“Hey!” Phil called excitedly.

 

“You’re like half an hour early,” Dan responded and Phil shrugged. 

 

“I got you a plant as a welcome gift. Every house needs one I think,” Phil said and Dan genuinely smiled this time. 

 

“Do you wanna come up and see what we’re dealing with then?” Dan asked and Phil nodded.

 

Dan led him through the door and up the stairs, unlocking the flat with his key and walking in. He suddenly felt nerves surge in his stomach at the realisation that this was now officially part his.

 

“Whoa,” he murmured under his breath and he heard Phil chuckle.

 

“It dawning on you?” he asked and Dan nodded.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I felt the same way when I moved in, it was weird having a place that wasn’t my parents and was actually mine.” he said, smiling as he looked around. “Henry has a good style, I like it, though I think there might be too many pastels,”

 

“I wouldn’t say that while he’s around,” Dan warned him. “The wrath of a gay man is scary, especially one where all his anger is stored to the brim of his tiny form.” He then pulled a nervous face. “Please don’t tell him I called him tiny,” 

 

“I won’t,” Phil laughed, then looked at the different doors. “Which one is going to be your room so I can drop this plant down? I’m pretending it’s lighter than it is,” Phil said sheepishly and Dan grinned.

 

“Follow me.”

 

He walked through the door coming off the kitchen/lounge and opened the pretty much transparent curtains to let more light into the room. “Drop it wherever,” he said, turning around to see the plant already on the floor and Phil with his phone held up. “Hey what are you doing?” Dan asked and Phil lowered his phone guiltily.

 

“I was taking a picture. I’m sorry I should have asked, you just looked so good silhouetted in that light, look,” Phil replied hurriedly, holding his phone out to Dan which he took nervously. He looked at the photo and felt a breeze float over his mind. It was a beautiful photo, the colours composed to make it look black and white with only golden tones illuminating parts of the walls and the window where the light came from, the motion of the curtains rippling out from Dan’s form. It was stunning.

 

“It’s really good,” Dan swallowed, passing Phil back his phone without looking at him directly. 

 

“Thanks. A bit of a fluke though, unless fate decided it was just you I needed to photograph.”

 

Dan’s body curled in with the memory of loving his own Phil. The punch when he saw his own initials on his Phil’s ribs, the realisation of how he loved his Phil in return, of how scared he was, of how this feeling was meant to be gone forever. But at this moment it was crawling back through his insides, working it’s way towards the brain and the heart like ivy.

 

“I know I mainly just take photos of buses and stuff, but this sort of thing is was I really want to do. It’s just hard to make a living out of it,” Phil added quietly and Dan let out a deep breath and finally looked up to Phil.

 

“I hope you’re able to. I’ve only seen one piece and I can already tell you must have others this great,” Dan said sincerely, then forced out a joke. “Even though they don’t have me in them. Do you have instagram? I’ll follow you on it, these are perfect for them,” Dan asked and Phil blushed. 

 

“Yeah I do, I already have a few thousand followers,” he said and Dan’s jaw dropped open.

 

“Well shit. You’re low-key famous. You’d better follow me back,” Dan said, taking Phil’s phone and following himself.

 

“I will.” 

 

Phil let out a small laugh and slid his phone away into his pocket, turning his attention back to the plant. “What are you going to name it?” He asked, stroking one of the leaves and Dan was thankful for the change in atmosphere.

 

“What do you think it looks like?” Dan asked and Phil hummed.

 

“Well, the name of the plant means cheer in japanese- I think it’s called an ‘amadokoro’ or something like that,” he explained and Dan shrugged.

 

“Koro?” he suggested and Phil grinned.

 

“Yeah. Koro sounds good. You might want to check if it means anything though,” Phil explained and Dan nodded. “There was a country that had like a vegetable festival and tried to translate the name of it and google translate changed it to clitoris. More people turned up for that festival,” Phil told him and Dan laughed.

 

“Yeah I’ll check later. Should we start bringing boxes up?”

 

“Yeah let’s get to work!”

_____ 

 

They had only just managed to get all the boxes upstairs when Henry swung the door open.

 

“Honey I’m home!” He called and Dan poked his head around the doorframe of his new room. 

 

“Is this going to happen everyday?” Dan asked, but he was grinning.

 

“Says the guy who likes to call me pumpkin,” Henry retorted before noticing the boxes everywhere. “Aw you started the fun without me?” He pouted and Phil joined Dan looking out.

 

“Yeah, sorry. I got here super early so we thought we’d do the heavy lifting, that’s all though,” Phil explained.

 

“That’s fine, I just want to design Dan’s room. Also see who’s better at construction because we have to build a few things right?” He added and Dan nodded.

 

“Yeah, bedframe and wardrobe. We managed to heave my desk up,”

 

“Cool.”

 

“Wait, so if we have to build a bed frame where are you going to sleep? Because I don’t see a mattress unless you’ve planned things really well,” Phil asked curiously.

 

“No we only decided like a few days ago I was going to move in as it’s been a long time coming. And I normally share with Hen anyways so I’ll share with him again, as long as he doesn’t kick me out of bed  _ like before _ ,” Dan teased making Henry whine.

 

“That was one time!”

 

“Twice, you just didn’t wake up the second time,” Dan corrected and Henry shoved him. 

 

“I’ll make you sleep on your bed frame, it is  _ my _ bed,” 

 

“Rude,”

 

“Bite me.” Phil started laughing, cutting off their quarrel.

 

“You guys are like an old married couple. How long have you known each other?” Phil asked and Henry grinned at Dan.

 

“Like, eight years maybe?” Henry guessed.

 

“And oh how much I regret them,” Dan said dryly and Henry punched him in the arm. “Not really,”

 

“Anyway I put up with his whiney ass for this long and now I have realised I have to live with this fucker,” 

 

“Whiney? Oh, how?” Phil wondered, obviously finding amusement in their interactions but Dan quickly shot Henry a look to remind him that he couldn’t let Phil know about that large part of his life.

 

“Mostly when I steal the covers from him, he didn’t talk to me for a whole day because of it,” Henry lied easily and Dan inwardly thanked him whilst Phil chuckled. “Anyway if we want to get Dan actually moved in we should probably start.”

 

“Should we start by building the bed frame and wardrobe?” Phil suggested and Henry’s face lit up.

 

“I vote Dan does the bedframe and you do the wardrobe while I spectate,” Henry decided while Dan rolled his eyes and Phil looked curious.

 

“Er, why?” Phil asked and Dan sighed.

 

“Henry wants to see if gays are better at building things-”

 

“Technically it’s lesbians but umbrella terms etcetera,” Henry cut in and Phil looked guilty.

 

“Sorry to ruin that but I’m not straight,” he said and Henry sent a wide smile at Dan who felt his face heat up. He felt like this would be something his brain would bring up when it was being particularly mean.

 

“Yeah but I’m also demi so who really cares. Okay then, you build the bed frame with Dan and I’ll do the wardrobe, sound good?”

 

“Hen there is no point to this being a race you know,” Dan pointed out, sending him a glare but Henry just stretched his arms, rolling his neck as if he was about to take part in one.

 

“You just don’t want to be beaten,” Henry warned and Dan rolled his eyes and shook his head.

 

“I’m gonna grab a drink, you guys want one? Feel free to start the competition without me,” Dan said as he walked through to their kitchen. He grabbed a glass out of the cupboard and then leant heavily on the counter-top. He wished Henry would stop trying to play wingman. He wished Phil didn’t like guys. He wished Henry hadn’t made him have to work with Phil on building something he’d have to sleep on. 

 

It was stupid but he didn’t want another Phil around another one of his beds. Since he was little his bed had been  _ their _ bed, laid on, loved on, fought on. This one wouldn’t have had that. This one would have been Dan’s. Potentially Henry’s as well, but that didn’t make him want to cry at the fact that he had still lost his Phil.

 

Dan really should have fallen out of love by now. Especially with someone he couldn’t see and he knew now in retrospect wasn’t the best for him. That’s why he wanted something he could feel was clean. Even if it was just stupid symbolism Dan was placing on something insignificant, it mattered to him, and now he couldn’t change that without it causing a scene. 

 

He sighed as he poured himself water when he heard someone clear their throat behind him. He jumped, turned around and saw Phil standing there awkwardly.

 

“Sorry, I got worried because it doesn’t take that long to get a drink usually,” Phil said awkwardly and Dan gave him a tired smile.

 

“My brain started to say stupid stuff,” Dan explained and Phil smiled sympathetically and hummed.

 

“I know that feeling. Anyway, this is probably going to sound really stupid but when I first moved into the apartment I’m living in now I built my own bed frame, and it kind of meant something to me? Like, I don’t know, something I knew would be all mine, something fresh in this new place, well part of my life actually. Moving can be hard so it made me wonder if you were as crazy as I am and were feeling that too?” Phil wondered, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly. “Like, a bed is an intimate place and stuff, I’d get if you want to build it alone.”

 

Dan felt as if his body had let out a giant sigh, his shoulders sagging and his fingers loosened around his glass. He felt a smile rise onto his lips as his stomach curled with comfort.

 

“You hit the nail on the head,” Dan told him and Phil smiled, giving a small shrug. 

 

“I guess it takes a weirdo to know a weirdo,” he said bashfully and Dan chuckled. 

 

“You really haven’t changed.” 

 

Dan was surprised to hear those words come out of his mouth. For all this time he’d been treating Phil like a stranger he’d never known, but this Phil must have been the basis for his Phil. Even though Dan didn’t feel like he could hold proper memories of him and this particular Phil together, this felt familiar. The way Phil smiled felt familiar. The way he knew him was familiar, and yet this time it didn’t feel like Phil was in his head. It just felt like he knew, he understood because they were similar.

 

It felt good.

 

Phil was grinning back at Dan as he returned back to reality. He took the glass of water from Dan’s hand and spoke gently, walking back into Dan’s new room.

 

“Time can’t change all of us.”

 

Dan couldn’t stop his own smile as he grabbed himself a new glass.

 

_____

 

Dan did end up making up his bedframe by himself, and even though Henry and Phil helped him to move it into the right place in the room, the feeling Dan had of having created somewhere new just for himself was mirrored in Phil’s understanding smile.

 

Phil and Henry had managed to build the wardrobe, Phil being able to do some of the parts which were a little too high up for Henry to do easily and then they started to place the room together. 

 

As more of his personal items got unboxed and slotted into drawers or onto shelves, Dan started to feel like this was finally becoming his home. It was when Phil poured the leftover water into his new plant that he really felt that this was where he should be in his life. 

 

They all ate pizza while watching a film and then Phil explained how he had to be home  because he had work the next day. Dan thanked him a lot and Henry even gave him a quick hug. (Dan was secretly thrilled they got on really well, even if Henry had whined that they hadn’t truly found the answer at who was best at building furniture.) It was around midnight when Dan walked into his new room and his leg brushed some of Koro’s leaves. It honestly got him wondering what the name he had given his plant meant.

 

Unfortunately he couldn’t remember the full real name, only thinking that it had sounded japanese. In his best bet he typed ‘Koro’ which he at least knew was part of it into google translate and the answer that appeared felt completely right.

 

**頃** **(noun):** Time

 

One thing Dan definitely could share with this Phil was his time.

 

Dan walked over to his chest of drawers and brought out the framed sketch of his Phil that he had hurriedly shoved under a pile of socks to avoid awkward questions earlier. He grinned as he stroked the frame, and then propped it up against the wall and on the floor beside Koro.

 

Any version of Phil could freely have his time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I have no idea what I'm writing next time so sorry it will most likely take a while)


	3. Intimacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It only takes a look from a person to remind you you've had sex with their doppelganger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a while! But this one is like -80 words from 10k so hopefully that's worth it?

Living with Henry was a curious situation. Some days the apartment would be spotless, there would be literally no mess anywhere, and then the next day it would be so bad that moving around became an intricate dance. Some rooms would look like an apocalyptic aftermath (Henry’s) while others would be spotless (Dan’s) and would mean Henry was sharing Dan’s bed that night. Then other days it would switch. Sometimes there was a fort in the living room, sometimes there would be papers flung everywhere and even once, Dan came home to see a tiny kitten running around his feet (who was called Peanut and had lived with them- without the landlord knowing- for a few weeks). Those days could be so cosy, or could lead to small spats which ended in one or the other cleaning up.   
  
Other days, Dan needed it to be foggy, filled with smoke in the air and the fairy lights turned on, duvets on the ground and chuckling next to Henry as they passed a joint. They would crack open a window to let in a cool breeze, and Dan liked to watch the curtains billow.    
  
Today was one of those days.    
  
Henry passed him back the joint and he took a long drag, blowing the smoke above his head and smiling.   
  
“I love this,” Dan said and Henry let out a happy sigh.   
  
“Me too. Ah I’m going to sleep so well tonight,” he mumbled, letting out a yawn. “Hey, can I draw you?” He then asked and Dan stretched, before propping himself up on his elbows.   
  
“Yeah sure. I always love your stoned pictures, I love having a cape and abs,” Dan murmured and Henry grinned, pulling himself up and grabbing his sketchbook, flicking open to a random page and crossing his legs. “Hen can I lie down? I’m too lazy to move,”   
  
“Of course. Am I allowed to question you about things?”   
  
“Yeah, hit me,” Dan said, finishing the joint and stubbing it out.   
  
“Do you think I can get my dealer to sleep with me?” he asked and Dan laughed loudly.   
  
“He cute?” Dan asked and Henry nodded. “Yeah with your looks, of course,” he said and Henry looked pleased with the answer.   
  
“Okay, next, how do you think things are feeling with this new Phil? Any wiggles of romance?”    
  
Dan closed his eyes and huffed, thinking. “Not romance, just you know, intrigue. I want to know more about him. He’s a pretty cool guy,” Dan said and Henry smiled. Another good thing about being high was that questions like that weighed less on Dan’s mind.   
  
“Good. I like him too. Hey should we ask him to get high with us sometime, or do you think that won’t be his thing?” He wondered and Dan shrugged, thinking. It honestly sounded fun to Dan, then he could ask Phil more about his photography.   
  
“Should I text him and ask?”    
  
“Go for it.”   
  
**To Phil:** Whats ur opinion on wweed?   
  
**From Phil:** I smoke it errdayyyyyy   
**From Phil:** Not really, I did occasionally at uni. Why?   
  
**To Phil:** Henry was wondering if u wanted to join us an b weed buddiez   
  
**From Phil:** Like right now? I’m wearing batman pyjamas O.O   
  
**To Phil:** Noo just whenever u know?   
  
**From Phil:** Yeah I’d love to :)   
  
**To Phil:** Coool :)   
  
“He wants to be our bud-dy,” Dan said and Henry laughed.   
  
“Cool. You know, I’m really glad you’re being friends with him. It’s nice to see you texting someone who isn’t me,” Henry spoke up, flipping to the next page of the sketchbook whilst Dan reached his hand up, splaying his fingers and closing one eye to try and trap stars in between them. “Stay like that.”   
  
“Yeah,” Dan agreed, yawning again. “Man I need to get laid,” he said. Henry scoffed.

 

“Not with me matey,” he replied, causing Dan to laugh.  
  
“Nah, I was just thinking that if I did then like, what happens with the roommate thing if they come back here?   
  
“Well if you’re really enjoying yourself, you should be being loud enough that I don’t walk in on you,” Henry said and Dan snorted.  
  
“Yeah, good point. Maybe just text each other in advance if we know and if not, just face it when it happens,” He said as Henry hummed his agreement.  
  
“This way I can bring Keji back and you will understand what I mean by me saying I have the hottest drug dealer in the world,”  
  
“I feel a little like you’re embellishing,” Dan said skeptically and Henry gripped Dan’s leg.  
  
“He could punch me and I’d thank him, he’s that hot. Literally I always watch his ass when he walks away because he wears ripped jeans and it's thigh heaven. Literally give him to me on a stick,” Henry babbled and Dan laughed at him. Although Henry's romantic notions could be bluntly sexual, it was always warming to see him gush over someone.  
  
“Calm down babe, I trust you. But right now I’m falling asleep. Goodnight.” Dan said, curling up into his sheets and closing his eyes, Henry letting out a small whine.  
  
“I didn't finish the picture, but fine. I think you have stars for skin but what's new? I’m crashing here. Snuggle me, thinking about cute boys makes me feel lonely,” Henry said, dropping his sketchpad on the floor and flopping down beside him, trying to wiggle towards Dan who pushed him away.  
  
  
“Henryyyyy, the light is still on,” Dan complained and Henry let out a fake snore. Dan pushed him out the bed.  
  
“Fine you asshole.” Henry stumbled up, switched off the lights and closed the curtains, flopping back down half on top of Dan, making him let out an ‘oof’. He still hugged Henry close to him. He didn't think there could be a time that he wouldn't. Unless he betrayed him badly and did something like told the world about Phil. Or if he told Phil about Phil. Could Dan be arrested for his imagination? He could get put back in the hospital. He didn't want to relapse. Henry would never tell on purpose, but if Phil found out about how Dan had pervertedly created his own Phil, he didn't think he'd be able to live with himself.  
  
“Hey, Henry," he said quietly, trying to make out figures in the darkness. "What if I one day accidentally mention something to Phil about… other Phil?” Dan whispered and Henry squeezed him a little more tightly.  
  
“I don’t know,” he said as gently as possible.  
  
“There’s no way I can bullshit out of it. I’m scared,” he whispered.   
  
Dan had only realised recently that he didn’t really have any strong relationships beside his dad and Henry. The past Phil would have been the other person he considered close, but that relationship had been unhealthy and was now non existent. Having a relationship where he was considered normal to the other person was important to Dan, and now he had a chance and regaining a past one, he really didn’t want to ruin it. And with this Phil, well, it felt meaningful. Every time he faced Phil he was facing past pain, but now he got a rush of excitement and happiness from it rather than bleak sadness. He hadn't felt something like that since he was about 16. He wanted that in his life, selfish as it could be.  
  
To Dan, the fact he had schizophrenia was less of an issue if Phil found out, it was mainly how if he found out how Dan had idealised Phil so much he had created a version of him only Dan could see. That would definitely ruin the little he had gotten back. No one would be okay with knowing Dan had had sex with a similar person in his own mind based on the image of them. Even if they were open minded, it would be scary as fuck, and Dan wouldn’t blame Phil for literally running away from him. Dan would probably do the same. If it had been a miracle that Henry was okay with everything, there was a tiny percent chance that Phil would be too. But Dan was a glass half-empty person. Phil would never understand.   
  
Although Dan had only really seen Phil a short amount of time since they reconnected, he didn’t want it to fade out. He genuinely wanted to be friends with this Phil, to maybe even have a close friend that he hadn’t slept with. He didn’t want to ruin it if he could avoid it.   
  
“I think all you can do is try your best to keep it quiet,” Henry interrupted his thoughts. “And if it does go wrong then it’s your choice to run or explain. You don’t owe anyone an explanation,” Henry said comfortingly and Dan sighed.  
  
“Yeah. Thanks. Night Hen.”  
  
“I can also kick his ass if he’s mean.”  
  
“I think he already knows that.”  
  
“Good. And goodnight too, love.”  
  
_____  
  
“I have only started getting coffee out since I found out you worked here,” Phil said as Dan looked up, blinking before smiling. He had thought it was his Phil again.  
  
“Hey, and leave a tip then,” Dan teased.  
  
“You look refreshed. Good night?” Phil asked and Dan chuckled.   
  
“Yeah. I remember when I didn't use drugs to help me sleep and make me feel better. Ah, those were the days,” Dan hummed and Phil nodded.  
  
“Weren't they just,”  
  
“Anyway what can I get you?”  
  
“What do you normally have?” Phil asked curiously.   
  
“Honestly I get anything with whipped cream in the summer because I also get a discount,” Dan said and Phil peered at the drinks list.  
  
"Er then I'll have a medium frappe latte please," he decided and Dan smiled.   
  
"Coming right up," Dan said and his colleague took Phil's money whilst Dan made the drink, adding extra cream and drizzling caramel sauce everywhere before handing it to Phil.   
  
"Thank you, it look delicious! Oh I'm staying in here to edit some photos, if you want to sneak a peek at them?" Phil wondered and Dan smiled.  
  
"I'd love to, I'll pop over when I can," he said and Phil beamed at his words before walking over to a window seat and sitting down, bringing his laptop out.   
  
Dan gazed at him for a couple of seconds, smiling at how his Phil looked so nice in a natural setting before his stomach dropped and someone needed a new order. He barely focussed as he made it, his thoughts telling him to fix himself up as it wasn't his Phil anymore.   
  
This was just Phil, his new old friend. Nothing more. There was no love, no pain, not hazy make out sessions of morning talks. Just this new person he was getting to know. (The pang of guilt was still there though, for what he had done to his Phil, of mistaking this Phil, and how he missed him.)  
  
Dan wished this reality could be saved from his imagination.   
  
_____  
  
Throughout the rest of his shift Dan was either staring at Phil or desperately trying not to. His brain wouldn't stop churning out venomous thoughts, determined to help him ruin this relationship in some way, and it was churning. His stomach wouldn't stop moving as if it was turning to butter and his mind was now curds and whey. He was relieved when he was told to clean up the tables now the rush was done. Not having to focus on the stupidly complicated drinks he was making was a relief, even if it had helped to take his mind off of things.  
  
It only hit him as he methodically worked his way around the cafe that he realised he would have to stop by Phil's table, and therefore have to act as if he wasn't having yet another internal war.  
  
However, when Phil turned around and smiled at him, coaxing him over with a small wave, Dan felt his tension soften slightly. Phil could always do that.  
  
"Look at this, I hope you don't mind," Phil said and showed Dan a photo of himself he hadn't seen before on his laptop. It had been modified into black and white, showing Dan as he was handing a customer a drink, a forced smile on his face but the way Phil had captured it made it looked genuine.   
  
"Whoa, I didn't think I looked that convincingly happy while I worked. You're really good," Dan said awe-filled, making Phil blush.  
  
"Thank you. I also edited that other one of you," he said, bringing it up. Dan stared, partially at the photo which was even better than he remembered, and partially trying to ignore Phil in the corner of his right eye. Dan could see him licking the cream off one of his fingers. Images of his Phil flared up, his mouth closed over Dan's fingers, kissing each tip, licking languidly around them.  
  
Dan's face suddenly grew hot as he nearly choked on saliva. "It's beautiful," Dan managed to force out and Phil's smile was curious. Dan inwardly hit his panic button as it was obvious Phil knew Dan was being weird, but all Dan could do was say a quick 'I have to get back to work' before running.   
  
He ducked through a door, then down a corridor, past the newly washed cups and out into the alleyway. He leant against a wall, panting a little and then hit his head off it for good measure, hating himself, rubbing where a bruise would form. That wasn't his Phil, and he wanted to throw up.   
  
Being around this new Phil was good for Dan, and he knew it, his brain was just trying to destroy him for it. It was almost as if Phil had shrunk and was now micro managing his thought process, projecting the worst ones when he knew it would ruin Dan in punishment. Dan wouldn't blame Phil for punishing him, he just wished it wasn't in such painful ways. Even if he deserved it because he was basically a murderer, fucking hell.  
  
"I regret what I said I regret it," he mumbled through clenched teeth, hoping the tiny Phil in his head would stop this torture, but his mind was still reeling. "I'm sorry," Dan tried and nothing happened apart from Dan feeling his bottom lashes dampen.   
  
And now he was crying at work. Brilliant.   
  
Being around Phil was simultaneously the thing that could fix and destroy him, and Dan had no idea how to balance out which was right. Dan clenched his fist against the wall and straightened up.  
  
"Not today," he mumbled to himself and stood up properly, wiping his eyes. He wasn't going to let this get to him now. He was going to fake it until he could bake it back at home. Just like in Phil's picture.   
  
_____  
  
When Henry got home Dan was surrounded in a cloud of smoke, sitting on the sofa with his leg jiggling.  
  
"Bit early isn't it?' Henry said, dropping his bag and sitting down next to him.  
  
"Why am I such a fuck up Henry?" Dan said and he instantly felt guilt. Henry's body language changed within a second, tensing up and becoming ready for action instead of relaxed and slumped after a full day's work. Dan didn't want to constantly be unloading on Henry, but his emotions were boiling up too much for him to let this one simmer inside.  
  
"You're not-"  
  
"Phil came into work today and I thought he was my Phil. And he's not, he's just this new old Phil. Why can't my brain register that yet? And then he licked cream off his finger and I must be the biggest pervert ever because I pretty much ran away from him. I'm so fucked up Henry I hate this," Dan gabled and Henry took his joint off him and let it rest in the ashtray.   
  
"Okay, that must really suck but you're honestly being too hard on yourself. You have seen this new Phil what, like four times after thirteen years, whilst being in love with a very similar looking figure. Your brain isn't going to be able to separate them out that quickly, and sadly it's going to take time. Seeing someone who looks a lot like the man you were in love with doing something suggestive, if not on purpose will have the effect on you no matter what. You shouldn't feel horrible about that because you weren't even thinking of that Phil were you? It just reminded you of something similar. Like if I ever get a hickey on my thigh it reminds me of when you went down on me. It's just association, and it's not a sin," Henry said firmly and Dan let out a large sigh.  
  
"I just... thought I had progressed more," he said tiredly and Henry patted his knee.  
  
"You've progressed so much though. You told your brain it wasn't your Phil right? You challenged your thoughts which you couldn't do before. You haven't come full way yet and this isn't making it easier, but you're still progressing. You didn't let your brain go into overdrive and let you believe this was your Phil. Because let's be real, if you had you might have been fired for sexually harassing a customer," Henry explained to him and Dan let his head flop against Henry's shoulder.       
  
"You're right, as normal,"    
  
"I know. Maybe I should have done a psychology degree," Henry said thoughtfully and Dan snorted.  
  
"I'm not sure you would have been taken too seriously if you had worn your heels to lectures," he commented and Henry laughed.  
  
"Yeah good point. I'm too out there for psychology which is honestly saying something."   
  
They stayed silent for a bit, listening to each other's breathing, winding down and finally relaxing back into the sofa.  
  
"You need a haircut," Henry spoke up, ruffling Dan's hair.   
  
"Yeah yeah, I know, these waves need sorting," Dan gestured, sighing. Henry shrugged.  
  
"I like the waves, it's just getting a bit long over your ears. I can do it if you want, I won't charge you," he offered and Dan hummed in thought.  
  
"Do I want my head chopping off with scissors? Honestly, I'm not too opposed to it, sure," he said dryly and Henry shoved him lightly. Dan wasn't sure if it was for the poor timed joke or for teasing Henry.  
  
"I'll be careful. Remember I did my own hair and my mums and somehow that didn't go horrifically," he pointed out. Dan chuckled, thinking for a second before replying.  
  
"Yeah, okay. God, next I'm going to be letting you dye my hair or something,"   
  
"Maybe not, but I'll need you to help me with my roots again please. Hey, what do you think about me going a pastel blue colour?" Henry wondered and Dan peered at him.  
  
"I think it would look awesome. Should we do a hair day soon, we bleach your roots, you cut my hair then I help you dye it?" Dan suggested and Henry's eyes lit up.  
  
"Yeah! That actually sounds really fun," he said with more enthusiasm than Dan had expected, making him laugh.  
  
"Maybe you should be a hairdresser. Suggest that lush opens up a hair salon or something and start working there with cruelty free dyes and stuff," Dan said, not being too serious but Henry brightened as if it was Christmas.  
  
"I'm totally going to do that. Not sure about doing hair for a living but like, I've never really thought about it. Maybe I will," He said dreamily and Dan found a smile.  
  
"There we go, we might have found you what you want to do with your life,"   
  
"Thank fuck. I knew I dropped out of uni for some reason,"  
  
"Wait, it wasn't because you missed me so much?" Dan teased weakley and Henry scoffed.  
  
"Get out of your own ass and roll me one, I've had the worst day."  
  
_____  
  
Dan was in turn having an awful shift. The day had been wonderful, it was sunny and lovely and it was quite a quiet day, and then suddenly the rain hit. And it wasn’t a passing drizzle where customers would come in to get a drink to take out, sit for a few minutes and then leave when it passed. It was a downpour where people would rush in, dripping onto the floor, were rude and determined to stay for ages. Considering they would have plenty of time to wait out of the rain, the amount of people asking for Dan to make their drinks faster was simply a giant piss take. The final blow was that he was only an hour into his shift, and he had about four left. He managed to sneak off and message Phil and Henry complaining, to which he got two responses.  
  
 **From Henry:** Ha, sucker x  
  
 **From Phil:** Oh no! Good luck, try not to kill anyone!  
  
 **To Henry:** Fuck you   
  
**To Phil:** RIP me  
  
The rest of his shift was also pure torture, he had to mop the floor twice because of all the rainwater people were bringing in. About five minutes before his shift was finished, the rain was still going and Dan was ready to cry as he had no umbrella or jacket to keep him dry.   
  
He grabbed his bag and got himself a free coffee, giving a sympathetic look to the newbie taking his place and stared at the door, trying to psych himself up to go out in the rain when he felt his phone buzz. He pulled it out of his pocket and saw Phil on the caller ID and picked up.  
  
“Hey?” Dan asked, almost as a question.  
  
“Hey. Don’t leave yet. I’m like five minutes away and it’s apparently going to get worse so I have umbrellas and a spare jacket because you said you had nothing. So stay there, your knight in a shining waterproof is on his way.”  
  
The line cut off and Dan just stared at it, aware his cheeks were heating up immensely. He was going to let his honest thoughts surface this time; That was the gayest thing Phil could have possibly done. Not even in romance novels had Dan read about this. Actually, the only time he remembered reading something like this was in a gay manga, perfectly highlighting the fact that this was such a gay thing to do. If not, at least a little bit romantic. And even if it was a romantic seeming gesture meant as friendship, how on earth was Dan deserving of this treatment?   
  
God, Dan must be super lonely to be feeling this way. This Phil was obviously just scarily nice, especially considering he had been happy enough to help Dan move in, which wasn’t the most fun activity. Either way, Dan was just very shocked and confused that Phil was going out of his way to help him.  
  
Dan sat down at a table near the door and sipped his coffee, his fingers tapping against the wood as he waited. He watched the rain fall down the windows as heavy, fat tears and watched the people outside being tortured by the weather. The flurry of umbrellas being turned inside out juxtaposed by the brightness and garish designs on most of them made it seem like a theatre of cruelty, ready to blow all the people away with the wind.   
  
He kept staring though, transfixed at different people, someone in all black wearing only a hoodie, someone wearing bright yellow for some idiotic reason (Henry would call it romantic) and a man pulling at his umbrella that was desperately trying to fly to join its flock in the sky.   
  
This was why when the bell above the door signalled a new customer Dan didn't realise instantly.  
  
Phil pushed open the door with a large umbrella hanging off his arm as he pushed his hood down and shook out his fringe. He scanned the room quickly and grinned when he saw Dan and walked over to his table.  
  
“Hey,”   
  
“Your waterproof isn’t as shiny as I thought it would be, but seriously, thank you for saving me,” Dan said, standing up.  
  
“All in a day's work,” Phil replied, passing Dan the umbrella and pulling a hoodie out of his bag, waiting for Dan as he slid it on, trying not to breathe in as the material brushed his cheeks. “You good to go?”   
  
“Yeah, unless you want a drink? I’m buying,” Dan said, knowing Phil must have gone through a lot to get here, seeing how prepared he was. Phil shook his head.  
  
“Nah I’m good. I'll remember that for another time. Let’s just get you home for now.” Dan smiled at him and caught eyes with Linda, one of the baristas he was closer to. She wiggled her eyebrows and winked at him, mouthing 'nice' and motioning over at Phil while Dan shook his head furiously and blushed. He really didn't need that right now.  
  
"Dan are you okay?" Phil asked and Dan straightened up as if he had been shocked.  
  
"Yeah I'm all good, let's bounce," Dan said, watching Phil's obvious amusement to his out of date slang.  
  
They walked out and Dan opened up the umbrella, naturally moving closer to Phil to shield him from the rain as well. He was using a lot of strength to stop the wind from snatching it, but it was a strong umbrella, and he was handling it okay.  
  
"You don't have to," Phil told him but Dan shook his head.  
  
"You spoon of course I'm going to, it's your umbrella anyway," Dan said and Phil smiled, taking his hood down now he didn't particularly need it to stay dry. "It's quite nice walking next to someone tall actually, Henry always complains that I let it rain on him on purpose," Dan thought aloud and Phil smiled.  
  
"So, if you don't mind me asking, you and Henry are just friends, right?" He paused, as if asking for permission to continue, but when Dan gave him a little nod he continued. "Because when I first met him he was very- and not at all in a bad way, I just can't find the right word, but possessive? It just seemed like you were together," he explained. Dan smiled to himself.  
  
"No we're just friends who've known each other a long time. I mean, there's been some pretty gay things between us-" (Dan decided it was probably best not to mention how he'd been inside of Henry just yet) "but no, we're just friends. Henry just wants what's best for me," Dan said and Phil nodded.   
  
"Good, but can I ask what that escorting joke thing was before?" Phil asked and Dan realised he needed to come up with a quick lie.   
  
"I was in a... Let's just say a shitty relationship before which I'm not entirely over yet, so when Henry sees new, what he calls, 'Predators' he makes it seem like we're dating until he knows more about them. It's kind of weird I know, but we sort of have that unspoken protection rule. It's like when girls pretend to have boyfriends to stop men talking to them," Dan tried to explain, hoping his half-lie was convincing enough.  
  
"Okay yeah that's actually pretty handy," Phil agreed as Dan silently patted himself on the back.  
  
They walked for a few minutes in silence, listening to the rain bouncing off the umbrella and watching other people cowering from the weather.  
  
"Why does rain sound so good?" Phil wondered out loud and Dan felt a wave of affection whoosh over him. Sometimes he got those moments where he just felt adoration for people around them when they were just so openly themselves, especially when Dan found it hard for himself to be.   
  
"Probably because you're in it," Dan replied, a blissfully unaware smile on his face as Phil bumped his shoulder.  
  
"Why Daniel, it sounds as if you're flirting with me."  
  
It was as if the rain had turned into droplets of ice as one drop slid off the umbrella and down his shirt, contorting the muscles in his back. But then they were working their way up his arms, under his fingernails and under his skin into his bloodstream to join the different coloured cells and work their way to his heart. He could feel his movements start to fumble from the cold sick pulsing through his body and the umbrella started to let more raindrops fall on to them both.  
  
"Hey there, are you cold, you're shaking. Do you want me to take that?" Phil asked and Dan nodded, silently passing Phil the umbrella, chanting in his mind to not run not run not run. Fake something up, try and pretend you're normal. Pretend you're okay. You can deal with it later just now you need to not run.  
  
He pinned a forced smile on his face (small and weak but there) and shook out his body.  
  
"Yeah, raindrop went down my shirt, that's all," he lied and Phil sucked the air in through his teeth.  
  
"Man that's the worst. It just fucks up your muscles for ages. You did better than me though, my arm spasmed before and I hit the person I was with in the face. Let's just say it wasn't the best date and I haven't seen her since," Phil chatted on and Dan was thankful that either Phil found this a normal enough situation or that he was intuitive enough to not force Dan to explain what was going through his mind.  
  
Dan made himself laugh and Phil shrugged, continuing to explain how badly that date had been. Somehow, Dan managed to react at all the right points, but he wasn't able to pay enough attention to really know what Phil was saying. Everything around him was different, watching people struggle meant nothing, the colours meant nothing, the rain may as well have not been there. All it did was increase how thick the atmosphere Dan felt he was walking through.   
  
His arms were tired, his feet were dragging. Phil must have noticed something was wrong by now but Dan was trying his best, and he really hoped Phil was oblivious enough to not realise his change of state.  
  
It was honestly lucky that Phil finished the story when they were pretty close to Dan's apartment.  
  
"Either way she didn't press charges because I think she realised it really was just an accident and someone could be that clumsy," Phil finished up saying. Dan laughed without thinking and Phil probably smiled back. Dan patted his pockets to get his keys and then realised he didn't have them on him.  
  
"I am the stupidest human on earth," he muttered, taking out his phone and dialling Henry's number, praying for him to pick up.  
  
"Hey there stranger, how's the weather," he asked and Dan couldn't be bothered to play along.  
  
"Hen I forgot my keys this morning please open the door or I might start crying, work was horrible and need wine," he said. Immediately, he heard noises which sounded like Henry getting up from somewhere and walking before he heard a click in front of them and the door opened, revealing a sympathetic Henry.  
  
Dan hung up the call and shoved his phone in his pocket as he walked up to Henry and let his head bend forwards so it was resting on top of Henry's.  
  
"Mood drop," he mumbled and Henry gave his back a pat, smiling over at Phil.  
  
"Did you walk him back? You're an angel, do you want to come in?" He asked and Dan inwardly sighed, but he knew he could stay away and shower or something and Henry would keep Phil entertained.  
  
"Yes please," he said and they all bundled into the apartment, Henry pushing Dan gently towards the couch as he went to the fridge.  
  
"Do you want wine too Phil?" Henry asked and Phil gave him a warm smile.  
  
"Yes please," he said and Henry grabbed some mugs from the cupboard. "We're out of glasses right now so mugs it is," Henry explained to Phil before he asked while Dan snuggled into the hoodie he was wearing.  
  
Phil sat on the sofa next to Dan who inwardly whimpered. He really wished he wasn't one of the 50% of people who also had depression along with his schizophrenia. It just meant more things could go wrong. Not only could he be hallucinating, he could also want to be dead if he didn't take his meds- which reminded him, he had forgotten to take his meds this morning at home, and the spare ones he kept in his bag were a lower dosage. Well that just explained it all, didn't it. He was now a forgetful fuckup as well as a regular one.  
  
Henry passed him a mug which he held tightly and Henry squished in between him and Phil which was a comfort, but all Dan could do was lean into him. He wanted to be lazy and ask if Henry could get his old pills for him (even if he shouldn't really take another one although it would make up for his dosage) but he wasn't sure because Phil was here. He was a bit too scared to voice it as Phil might possibly hear him and then he would know. He wasn't ready to face all of that. He felt too vulnerable.  
  
"Dan, love, you're closing up. Soon you'll just be an empty hoodie," Henry said gently and Dan let his eyes look up.  
  
"Tired," he mumbled and Henry nodded, knowing what he really meant.  
  
"Er, this might be kind of rude of me but did you take your meds today, Dan? You're acting a bit differently from last time I saw you. I didn't mean to pry, I just kinda saw them on the counter when I used the bathroom when I was last here," Phil said awkwardly. Dan held his breath. Henry clearly felt it because he stood up and pulled Dan gently up with him.  
  
Dan was shaking and was feeling the room start to spin along with his thoughts.  
  
Too soon, too soon.   
  
Henry led him to his room where he sat Dan down on the bed and walked back through to the living room. Dan heard mumbles which could have lasted for hours as he tried to focus on moving his fingers, but he had frozen up. Move your fingers. Phil knew, he knew Dan was fucked up, he knew he was crazy and couldn't function without chemicals going through his body to make him normal. Phil was going to hate him, be scared around him and give up and that was it. This was the end of their friendship and now Phil would say mean things about him to Henry who would fight him and Dan wouldn't be able to stop them because he couldn't fucking move. Move. He was so stupid. None of this would have happened if he wasn't dumb and forgot to take his pills this morning and if he just wasn't fucked up in the first place. All of this was his own fault and he deserved to lose Phil. He had been too careless because things had been going well. Focus and move something. He should have known good things weren't permanent.   
  
Then the door clicked, and Henry walked back in with his bag and a glass of water.  
  
"Phil's sorry, he really didn't mean to pry and I explained to him that you don't like people finding out and Phil thinks you just have depression if that helps. He said the name of it sounded familiar because his brother was on antidepressants too. He's obviously wrong but he doesn't know fully," Henry said, sitting down on the bed beside Dan and letting Dan flop into him.  
  
Dan managed to let out a shaky breath, letting the information process a little. Henry wound his arm around Dan's shoulders and kissed the top of his head.  
  
"I got you, it's going to be okay. You know me, I can fix anything. Now first, let me get the pills from your bag so you're up to date. Then at least tonight won't be too bad. I'll also put some of your normal dose ones in there so these are a last last resort," Henry chatted, managing to lean down without making Dan uncomfortable and fish out the tablets from his bag and pass one to Dan.   
  
"I can't move to get the glass," Dan mumbled, his tongue dry and Henry understandingly removed his arm and picked it up for him.   
  
"Open," Henry said Henry and Dan opened his mouth and Henry placed the pill on his tongue and let the glass test against his lips, tilting it so Dan could sip from it easily. "There you go baby bird, eat your worms," he said and Dan swallowed, managing a small smile. "Do you want to sit for a bit or cuddle or anything else?" Henry asked. Dan's body felt too heavy to do anything.  
  
"To be better," he said and Henry nodded.  
  
"Do you think you need to go back to counselling?" Henry suggested and Dan bit his lip.  
  
"I don't know," he mumbled. He didn't know anything, apart from how to fuck things up.   
  
He knew his breathing was off. He was shaking as he sucked in each breath so they came out as shivers, his nails clutching at his thighs and his teeth sinking into his lip. All he could focus on was how he felt so wrong. He wasn't functioning normally and it was making him panic. His stomach was twisting with anxiety so much it made him feel ready to throw up and his eyesight was making everything seem unreal. He wasn't sure if he was experiencing delusions or not, but he couldn't steady himself or think or ask to find out.   
  
It didn't feel like a dream to Dan, and it never did when this happened. He felt how Phil did, looking in on something and not being fully there, only able to exist a limited amount. The only difference was that Dan didn't always feel like this, and he had forced Phil to.  
  
"Dan, love, you're shaking. You need to try and focus on me, okay?" Henry guided him, taking one of his palms gently and running his fingers over it, tracing along his head line, fate line, every little crevice on his fingerprints. Dan tried to make his eyes follow the movements but everything kept blurring.  
  
"Not working," Dan managed to say and Henry started to slowly draw shapes on to his palm, and as Dan stared more he noticed how they were actually letters. He knew Henry's handwriting off by heart, and seeing the loops of an 'm' and the curve of his e's was just as comforting as the fact Henry had spelt 'I'm here' onto his palm.  
  
"I'm here," Dan repeated and Henry gave him an encouraging smile, now spelling out the letters as he wrote.   
  
"S... A... F... E..." He spoke and Dan repeated the word back.   
  
Henry continued this a few more times, simple words that comforted Dan such as 'okay' and 'not alone'. When Henry had finished the final letter Dan lay back on the bed, holding onto Henry's hand who joined him and rested his head on Dan's chest.   
  
"You still have a heartbeat," Henry told him and Dan felt his lips twitch.   
  
"That's good," he said absently.  
  
"You also have blood in you," Henry added, gently swiping Dan's lip with the pad of his thumb, showing him the drop of red adorning his finger. "But that just shows that you're at least a high percentage human being," Henry added and Dan squeezed his hand.   
  
"Thanks," Dan murmured as Henry snuggled back into him.  
  
"You know it's gonna be fine," he stated, and Dan let out a sigh. Somewhere in the back of his brain he knew Henry was right, but for now the conscious part was telling him to wait a while before really thinking it over. "Phil was honestly worried about you, and he left to make you comfortable, not because he was running away. He cares about you," Henry said softly and Dan didn't reply, going back to biting his lip. "Trust me," Henry added, stressing the words and Dan couldn't help but believe him. Henry was probably the only one he could trust with anything, and even if Phil in general conflicted him, Dan could trust in what Henry was saying.  
  
"Okay," he breathed and Henry tapped his chest lightly.   
  
"Good."  
  
Dan felt tears start to slide down his cheeks. He didn't really know what brought them on but he just lay there, staring up at the ceiling and letting them slide down his temples and on to the pillow, letting his eyes close as he just let them drop. There was something Henry had said to him before, when he was still getting used to being alone, to being without Phil. Henry had told him that sometimes you just needed to let yourself lie back and cry because your body was reminding you of how much you've been through, and everyone has something to cry about. Dan's was Phil, but also how far he'd come, how much he'd grown as a person, how he'd overcome a lot of issues that were hard to control and he was still trying to fight them. But he'd never asked what Henry's was.  
  
"Hen, when you let your body cry, why does yours?" Dan asked and Henry looked up at him curiously, but then a wash of understanding seemed to phase over him.  
  
"I don't know," he said, lying back, and Dan knew he was trying to think. Dan didn't want to pressure him, Henry didn't have to think about these things just because he was.  
  
"You don't have to think about it," Dan said softly.  
  
"Good because I couldn't think of anything apart from how otters hold hands when they sleep," Henry replied and Dan managed a small laugh.   
  
"Is there anything else?" Dan joked.  
  
"I honestly don't want to think about how shit the world is right now so no, that is the only thing," Henry replied and Dan let his hand run through Henry's hair.  
  
"What colour are you thinking of going once I've done your roots?" He wondered.  
  
"What colour haven't I been yet?" Henry asked and Dan hummed.  
  
"Good point. Do more than one colour?"   
  
"I've been dark for a while so maybe pastel? Maybe purple though, give me a change from blue," Henry's said thoughtfully. "Maybe I should like pick a picture and then mimic the colours in it?" He wondered. "Or do shapes!"  
  
"Is that even possible?"  
  
"Anything is possible with a stencil," Henry said making Dan chuckle. "And then I can give you a haircut," Henry added and Dan ran a hand through his hair.  
  
"Sounds good, it's getting too long," Dan agreed.  
  
"Unless you want to start tying it back, then yeah, it is getting too long." Dan was quiet for a little bit before he spoke up.  
  
"Phil liked my hair long," he mumbled and Henry's face fell. "I didn't like it, but he did. I kept it long for a while because of that. How fucking stupid,” he said bitterly. Henry stayed quiet and let his hand tap against Dan’s forehead.  
  
“Let’s cut it now,” Henry suggested and Dan turned to look at him. “It might help,”  
  
Dan wriggled a little, lifting his hand and letting his fingers brush against the strands tickling his ears. “Yeah okay,” he decided and Henry gave him a big grin.  
  
“Up you get then,” Henry coaxed and Dan wiggled himself but couldn't quite move himself. Instead Henry helped manoeuvre him up, meaning Dan was able to give Henry a small smile on his way. Dan was led through to the bathroom where Henry looked around and thought for a while.  
  
"If you want me to wash your hair are you okay with stripping off a bit and just sitting in the tub?" Henry asked and Dan nodded.  
  
"As long as you use warm water," Dan told him and Henry nodded, rolling up his own jeans whilst turning the shower head on, letting the water run into the bath until it felt like a good temperature on his hand. Dan pulled off everything aside from his boxers and stepped into the bath, sitting with his back towards Henry, curling his legs into himself and listening to the running water.  
  
"Tilt your head back," Henry told him gently and Dan let his eyes close as he felt the spray run over his hair and down his back, soaking the band of his boxers. It felt good though, and the warmth was definitely helping him feel better, like he was human again. Henry gently moved Dan's head around so he could wet it in the perfect positions before he hung the shower head back up, letting it spray in a different direction whilst he grabbed the shampoo. He knelt up behind Dan who heard the click of the shampoo bottle being opened.  
  
"Sounds like you're opening lube," he murmured and Henry chuckled.  
  
"When am I not?" He asked and then started massaging the lather into Dan's hair, causing him to shut his eyes again. "Should I sound very hairdresser-y and ask you if the pressure is good?" Henry teased but Dan just let out a little contented hum and Henry smiled. The tension in Dan's body was slowly leaving, his shoulders dropping, jaw unclenching, all the subconscious stress he was feeling melting away from Henry's fingers.   
  
Then Henry stopped and started to stand up, grabbing the shower head and rinsing the suds away, making sure Dan didn't get any in his eyes. When all the product had left, Henry stood back up and placed the shower head back in its holder, and Dan was about to stand up and find a towel but Henry sat down beside him, letting Dan lean into his chest and wrap his arms around him.  
  
"Lots of things make me cry at night," he mumbled, and Dan let his arms lay over Henry's as a sign he was listening. "There's stuff like happy crying and sad crying, which do you want to hear first?"   
  
"Sad," Dan decided and Henry let his jaw rest lightly on Dan's shoulder, keeping him warm alongside the spray covering them.  
  
"Sometimes I cry because I can't help people. It makes me feel worthless and like I'm not quite good enough to make them the best they can be. Sometimes I cry over you- but less so now. I used to a lot, but then I realised I was still worth just as much without you loving me back. Now if I cry for sad reasons about you it's because I feel like I can't do enough for you. Like I got you into drugs, that's kind of a shitty thing to do as a friend, you know?" He asked, but Dan stayed quiet. He'd correct him later, he wanted to let Henry get this all out.  
  
"Tell me the happy things," he said softly and Henry let his forehead rest against Dan's shoulder blade for a second.  
  
"The happy stuff comes from the sad stuff. It's like when I look back and think about how I wasn't too confident, or how I didn't think I was worth much to anyone. I used to think I was the cliche person who could just disappear and no one would care. But now I think that I'd care if I disappeared, because I like where I am. Also at my confidence, like I wore my heels out the other day and I felt so good and I felt even better when I saw a guy maybe a few years younger than us staring at me, and smiling. I may not be like a celebrity but I could have inspired that guy to do something different and something he'd always wanted to do. I'm so glad I have this confidence because if anyone were to tell me I shouldn't be wearing heels now then I'd wear larger ones and kick them with them. Old me would have stopped. I'm really proud of myself. I'm pretty proud I've survived this long too."  
  
"I'm also happy that you're here and we're here together. We've both scared the shit out of each other at points and we're still here kicking it. We're stronger. Honestly I was crying the other night and looking at the stars on my ceiling and thinking about how proud I am of us. It also made me think of shitty metaphors and artsy crap but that also made me realise how happy I am right now, and how I hadn't properly happy cried for ages," Henry said and Dan felt a smile creep onto his own face.  
  
"What was the metaphor?"   
  
"It was kinda shit, but it was good at the time okay? It was that 'glow in the dark stars can shine anywhere as long as you remember to give them light'. I don't know it just made me happy that they had always had this objective view of my life and now I could see it from their point of view," Henry explained and Dan squeezed Henry's hands, craning his neck to smile at him.  
  
"You honestly don't understand how wonderful I think you are," he told him and Henry blushed a little, letting out a happy sigh and letting his head lull on Dan's shoulder. "Also you always help me, even if it's not as much as you want, it's definitely enough and sometimes more," he added and Henry placed a small kiss to the back of his neck.  
  
They stayed there for another few minutes until the water no long felt warm against them. Henry was the one to turn off the shower and stand up, leaving a towel draped over Dan's hair while drying off his own, now wet, hair and wring some of the water out of his clothes.  
  
"Well now you've been in the rain, even if it was artificial," Henry said and Dan felt his body chuckle, running the towel over his body as well. "I'm going to go change and find the scissors, I'll be back in a sec," he then said and left the bathroom and padded away into his own room.  
  
Dan trundled into his own and pulled an old t shirt and sweatpants from his drawer before changing his boxers and pulling them all on, welcoming the warmth. Henry walked back in with a stool and placed it in front of Dan's mirror, patting it so Dan would sit down.  
  
"What do you think about an undercut?" Henry asked and Dan looked at himself in the mirror. "I can use the clippers to make it really neat,"   
  
Dan thought about it, running a hand through his hair and staring at his face. Different. He wanted change. "Fuck it, do your worst," he decided and Henry grinned at him, looking a little surprised but also excited.  
  
"You don't get how long I've wanted you to have an undercut for," he called as he disappeared and then reappeared, clippers held proudly in his hand.  
  
"Really?"   
  
"Yeah, now you might actually let your hair be pushed back,"   
  
Dan rolled his eyes and Henry started to flick his hair around, using pins he sometimes used himself to move Dan's hair into sections so he'd know where to use the clippers.  
  
"Okay I'm going to start with a three so it won't be like, too short but it will be short enough I think," Henry said. Dan took in a breath and nodded, sitting up straighter.  
  
"Yeah, do it," he said, staring at himself in the mirror as Henry turned the clippers on and pressed them against his head. As Henry worked around Dan watched the hair litter his shoulders and fall by his feet, but he was mostly thinking of Phil. The old Phil has less control of him now, and it felt good to Dan, even if he felt something was missing. The new Phil was more of an issue now. Dan now felt nervous towards him. He was scared that Phil would guess that he wasn't just depressed, that he would find out about the other Phil, that he'd treat him differently and like he was helpless without anyone. Yet as more hair fell from his head the more he realised it didn't matter, at least not at this moment.  
  
Henry put the clippers down and ran his hand over the new stubble adorning his head. "You feel so fuzzy," he said and Dan reached up as well, smiling at the weird velvet touch of his hair.  
  
"I love it," he said and Henry smiled.  
  
"I'm glad, but you're not done yet, I've still got to trim the top- unless you want to dye it." Dan knew Henry was teasing him, but he ran his hand back through his hair and made eye contact with Henry in the middle.  
  
"Well that depends on what dye you have left over," he said and he grinned as he watched Henry's eyes grow wide with delight.  
  
"You're kidding right?"  
  
"Not this time. What have you got?" He asked and Henry let out a little shriek and almost fell over in his hurry to the bathroom. Dan laughed and followed after him to see Henry almost pulling everything out of the cabinet to try and find some hair dyes.  
  
"I have dark blue in my room but there's not much left but we could make it lighter? I also have pink and a bit or purple left and some bleach if you really want to take the risk and go brighter," he babbled and Dan chuckled as Henry pulled out a red colour with a huge grin on his face. "And red," he added.  
  
Dan chewed his lip as he thought, his mind crawling towards the idea of blue, because Phil had always liked blue, looked blue, been blue, but Dan was trying to stay away from that now. He didn't want to fall back to it.  
  
"Hey Dan, do you have a colour that's just your own?" Henry interrupted and Dan looked at him curiously. "Like a colour you don't associate with anyone else?" He wondered and Dan thought.  
  
His old Phil had been simply blue, so that was out of the question, this new Phil was red and oranges and new excitement, as well as fear and complications. Henry was purple and greens and oranges that illuminated everything. Which left him with-  
  
"Pink," he said softly and Henry nodded. "But lighter than you had it," he added and Henry smiled.  
  
"So you want to jump onto the pastel train with me? Babe this might take a while because bleach can take like an hour then the dye will be like around another. It might get kind of late," Henry told him. Dan just nodded.  
  
"I want to do this. Do you have work tomorrow morning because I don't want to stop you from sleeping,"   
  
"No I don't so it looks like we're doing this. Holy shit I thought I'd never see the day," Henry said excitedly and Dan just rolled his eyes.  
  
"So we should move to the bathroom, right? Wait are you crying?" He asked, noticing how Henry's eyes had glazed over and he was sniffing.  
  
"You're going to love how free you feel," he mumbled and Dan just stood up and ruffled his hair before walking towards the bathroom, Henry wiping his eyes on his sleeve behind him.  
  
They decided to only do the top of his head pink, leaving the shaved areas dark to still keep some of Dan’s personality there. The bleach tingled and itched in a way that almost hurt, but Henry was happy to keep running his gloved hand through it which almost soothed it enough to stop him complaining.  
  
Washing out the bleach was almost like Henry washing his hair earlier, except the water that came out was purple from what Henry said was the toner in it, and also how his hair was now a light yellow colour. Henry let Dan mix the colour he wanted, and it was so satisfying to see the conditioner slowly go from raspberry swirls to a light candy floss pink. Henry then mixed it a little darker and explained how it had to be two shades darker, but Dan was just happy to keep stirring. Waiting for it to develop was a whole different thing. While the bleach had been uncomfortable, the dye was cold and dripped down his neck every so often, making Dan shiver to the point of Henry managing to find a dark towel and making a turban on Dan's head with it to keep him warm.  
  
It was weird, but Dan had never found something so cold and slippy to be so exciting. He knew when he took off his towel and washed it out his hair would be pink, and Henry had already covered the mirror up so he would only be able to see it when it was dry and styled.   
  
He grinned as pink water fell over his shoulder and when he was ushered into his room and then made to cover his own eyes so Henry could actually style him, cutting the top as well to make his hair as healthy as possible. All the time Henry was whirring the hairdryer and straightening his waves, he was smiling under his palms, excited to see the finished product and who the new him looked like.  
  
"You ready?" Henry asked, having placed his hands on Dan's shoulders and Dan nodded. "Open your eyes whenever," he said softly and Dan waited a few seconds before peering out from his fingertips.  
  
"Holy shit," he murmured as he saw his new look. "I look so cool and different," he breathed and Henry grinned at him.   
  
"Do you-"  
  
"I love it, thank you so much," Dan gabled, still stuck staring at himself, tilting his chin to different angles to see how it varied all over.  
  
"Good. And it's only eleven, that means you'll get enough sleep," Henry reminded him and Dan shook his head.  
  
"I'm too excited now, I want to go clubbing or something,"  
  
"It's like a Tuesday, you're not allowed,  
  
"Okay yeah fair enough but holy shit I really love it. I really do feel free," Dan said and Henry laughed.  
  
"It's such a true cliche and I love it," Henry said, but Dan was grinning too much to reply. He was no one but himself now. Neither Phil could hold him down, and Henry had helped in his transformation. He wasn't stuck still, he was finally feeling able to show himself off to the world again, show it how far he'd come, and how now he was going to kick away the shit it was honestly sure to fling at him.   
  
He felt more like himself than he had for a long while.  
  
"I'm going to do great things." He told Henry, his back arching as he let his arms fall wide. "Just you fucking wait."  
  



	4. Progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friendship is a tricky thing when you keep breaking down in front of the person you want to hide from the most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this chapter is a lil shorter than the last one which is why it's appeared quicker but I hope y'all like it anyway!

**Phil:** Hey Dan, it's been a week and you haven't responded to my texts. I want to know that you're okay. Please talk to me. I only know you're alive because Henry told me. I kinda miss you, I don’t want to lose you again after all these years   
  
Dan sighed and rolled over on his bed, smothering his head in his pillow. That was at least the sixth one. Dan felt cruel. He felt wrong ignoring Phil he was just too scared to reply. What would he say anyway? ‘Hey Phil I really miss you too but I'm paranoid that you will find out I have a different disorder which highly involves you and I don't want you to run away’? That didn't sound much like it would work while protecting himself. Getting Henry to reply from his phone was an option but that really just felt unfair on Phil. Dan knew he shouldn't leave him hanging, waiting for a text that wasn't going to come.   
  
Unfortunately, it looked like that was what was going to happen. Dan’s fingers kept hovering over the keyboard, debating typing anything, even a simple ‘sorry, I'm alive’. However if he did that, it would mean Phil replying and the conversation continuing. The ‘sorry’ was enough to be more than a simple word for Dan. Sorry wasn't a light word. It was heavy with guilt, pain, fear. Everything negative that Dan was insecure about. Now was not a good time to use it. Avoiding a response was easier. Less hurtful- for Dan. For Phil it just meant that he'd know less, be outcast. Phil seemed to genuinely want to be friends with Dan, and Dan was watching himself throw it away.   
  
He went into his gallery and flicked through the photos until he found the one Phil had taken, letting his eyes close. He tried to let his body relax, phone held in his hand like a security blanket, his mind still weighing out the options he had.   
  
His phone suddenly buzzed and he jumped, his phone flying onto the floor. He scrambled over to it to see Phil's caller ID showing, a picture Phil had taken posing stupidly on the day he helped Dan move. He went to decline the call, then let his finger hover. He couldn’t keep doing this to Phil.   
  
“Hey,” he croaked, praying he hadn’t made a mistake.   
  
“Hi, Dan. It's er, good to hear from you. I was er... wondering if you wanted to come to my apartment and smoke?” He asked, tone obviously awkward and Dan winced at the thought of how he had caused this tension. Phil wanted to talk to him though. The weed was just an excuse, if a good one.   
  
“Er, yeah sure, text me your address, I'll come right over,” Dan said, voice strained, then ended the call, letting out a large breath.   
  
What the fuck had he just done? He swore this was what he had been aiming to avoid. He had just agreed to see Phil and now, not like in a few days when he could wrap his head around the whole concept and work out how he should be acting. No, Dan had actually said yes to right now as soon as Phil sent him his address! Unless he could hold off for a bit by having a shower? No, that would stress him out even more. The best thing he could do would be to simply throw on clothes, throw on shoes, grab a jacket and leave.   
  
Dan’s phone buzzed with a text from Phil with his address, and Dan punched it into google maps while he wriggled into his jeans, searching around hopefully for a mint or something which would be quicker than brushing his teeth.   
  
He finally put on his shoes (after finding some gum in his pocket), plugged his headphones in and left, throwing on a hoodie that had been closest to him and leaving. He turned on the loudest music he could find on his phone and walked as fast as possible, determined not to let himself think at all until he wouldn’t have a chance.   
  
Unfortunately, it was a good twenty minute walk to Phil’s without Dan knowing any buses he could take (although he worked it out when he was close enough) and then he was there, knocking on the door without even realising.   
  
Dan felt his stomach drop as the realisation kicked in at how he couldn’t run now he’d knocked. He pulled the hoodie sleeves over his hands and gripped them for some form of emotional support and wiggled around while he waited. He hoped Phil had heard, but if he hadn’t should he knock again? This was all too complicated and Dan was already getting into his own head now he’d removed his headphones.   
  
He heard clicking and the door opened, showing Dan a weary looking Phil in a messy apartment.   
  
“Hey, Dan, nice hair,” Phil greeted, a weak smile on his face. He was in his pyjamas (it was three in the afternoon) and stubble was creeping along his chin, his glasses on and crooked.   
  
“Phil, not to be rude but you look like shit. Are you okay?” Dan asked, hoping for a positive response.   
  
“Yeah, just… yeah. Oh you’re wearing my hoodie,” he said, obviously changing the situation and Dan would have challenged him on it if he hadn’t forgotten that that’s who the damn hoodie belonged to.   
  
“Oh yeah, sorry, I was bringing it to return it to you but I got cold,” Dan lied, and Phil raised his eyebrows.   
  
“That’s bullshit, but I guess it’s fine,” he said offhand, turning away and walking back into his apartment. Dan stared after him, mildly shocked, before he followed him in, closing the door behind him.   
  
“And bullshit on you being okay but I guess that’s fine too, although you’re obviously not,” Dan retorted and Phil rubbed his temples.   
  
“Yeah, you’re right. Sorry I’m grouchy, long day of working, long night of no sleep, that kind of shit,” Phil told him, slumping down onto the sofa. Dan chose a chair close to him, but not too close to Phil it could be intrusive.

  
“You’re mad at me as well, aren’t you?” Dan asked quietly, the guilt resurfacing in his stomach.   
  
“Yeah,” he sighed.   
  
“Well,” Dan said, leaning forwards a little. “You have pretty much every right to be. I shouldn’t have ignored you like that, I forgot-” Dan cut himself off. _‘I forgot you can’t take it’_ . Dan had almost forgotten that this wasn’t his Phil anymore.   
  
God he’d treated both Phils’ like shit,   
  
“I forgot,” he repeated, slumping down and talking at the floor. “How I’m really just a huge asshole to my two friends,” he muttered.   
  
“Eh, I’ve had worse,” Phil said, but the weak joke was humourless.   
  
“Phil, I’m really sorry. I panicked too much, I really don’t like people finding out I’m not normal,” Dan explained as simply as he could, and Phil looked up at him and gave him a small smile.   
  
“It’s okay, just don’t ignore me again. I’d rather have an asshole friend with at least the balls to confront me, even if you need a little time. Next time tell me first,” Phil told him and Dan smiled back. “And I’m sorry too. I promise I wasn’t intruding on purpose, they were just there and I recognised them,” He said and Dan walked over and joined him on the sofa.   
  
“I know, and then you were just trying to help. I’m just bad at, well, not getting inside my own head,” Dan slumped and Phil patted his knee. Dan felt his breathing pause at the contact and then release all at once, making him feel like one of the sofa cushions.   
  
“One day you’ll let me,”   
  
“Maybe.” That put a small smile on Dan’s lips at how Phil wanted to still be friends.   
  
“Anyway, I rolled while I waited for you, you still good for smoking?” Phil asked and Dan nodded. Phil’s demeanor what changed a little from when he had last seen him. He wasn’t sure if it was because Phil was having a bad day or if it was because Phil also pretended a lot like Dan did. He liked how blunt this Phil was though, it was definitely refreshing compared to how he used to get away with everything.   
  
“It’s sort of sweet how you didn’t start without me,” Dan said, looking around the apartment to see what it was like now he could pay attention. Some of the photos Dan assumed Phil must had taken had been framed, along with pretentiously acclaimed film posters, some superhero merchandise as well as the usual socks all over the radiator and messy papers everywhere which every flat seemed to harbour.   
  
“I didn’t because I felt we should argue, and I didn’t want to be in the mood to let you walk all over me,” Phil explained, lighting and taking a long drag.   
  
“Never let me do that, okay? Please make that like a basis of our friendship,” Dan said and Phil smiled at him.   
  
“Yeah okay, sure.” Phil took another drag and then passed it to Dan. Dan put it to his lips and breathed in the smoke deeply, his body relaxing with the familiarity.   
  
“You're really good at rolling,” Dan said, happy he didn't have to relight it again.   
  
“Thanks, I try my best,” Phil smiled. They stayed quiet for a few minutes as they passed the joint between them, and then Dan spoke up.   
  
‘Oh yeah, I was gonna ask, are the photos on the wall all yours?”   
  
“Yeah, they're the ones I'm most proud of,” he explained, then leant forwards and shuffled through his messy coffee table and pulled out a glossy photo of Dan, letting it rest on top. “I know this will probably make your head huge, but I've had trouble taking photos I actually like for a while. It kind of symbolises something new for me,”   
  
Dan stared at Phil for a few seconds, envying how Phil had just been so open about something important to himself. Dan wished he could feel less exposed to do that.   
  
“I got into photography at sixth form, which was a low time for me. Like I knew your pills because of my brother, but I was depressed too, I just never got pills for it. He got pills, I got counselling. Neither really helped both of us too much, I mean mine was crappy college counselling. But at least I had it. The best thing was when I left though, like uni was tough, but that was just crushing really. And now I'm mostly happy.” Phil gave a small laugh and covered his face with his arm, Dan noticing the flare of colour now in his cheeks. “Sorry, I'm just sort of telling you my life story,” Phil said and Dan was a bit speechless.   
  
“I… thanks for telling me that,” he settled on, trying to make it sound as sincere as possible. Then he nervously licked his lips and kept talking. “I don't really know when mine started. Maybe properly when I was fourteen, fifteen? Secondary started to set it off I guess. At least I met Henry though, he was a good part. Anyways, it kept getting worse, I've only been on my meds for about a year and a half of that though. It's been tough. I actually already went to uni, it just, went wrong, so did I and it ended in hospital…” Dan let his voice trail off, falling quiet and Phil's expression changed. Dan realised he'd gotten the wrong idea.   
  
“No, I-”   
  
“Dan,” Phil said firmly. “If you ever feel like that again you can come and speak to me about it, literally any time, alright?”   
  
Dan fidgeted in his seat, not knowing how to respond. He should correct him, but Phil's words had been so intense he didn't know how.   
  
“Phil…” Dan almost whispered, unsure of what was about to come out of his mouth. “I…” he tried again but he was cut off again.   
  
“Welp, I made this a lot sadder than I was meant to, sorry about that,” he laughed nervously, scratching the back of his neck. “Do you want a cup of tea?” Phil asked and Dan’s stomach churned.   
  
“No thanks.” This felt wrong. This felt like the stuff that should be talked about, had to be and not just dropped for a drink. If it felt like Phil was doing it because he wanted to stop the conversation he would have been fine with it, but it felt like it was all for Dan’s benefit, as usual.   
  
Not this time.   
  
Dan stood up and followed Phil into the kitchen, watching Phil’s back as he filled the kettle, trying to think of something to say or do to make this feel right.   
  
“Er… Phil,” Dan managed to speak up but Phil jumped violently, kettle water splashing everywhere.   
  
“Shit! Man you scared me, you changed your mind?” Phil asked and Dan shook his head, walking over to him. Phil kept fumbling around and Dan moved his arm, watching it hesitate before resting between Phil’s shoulder blades. Phil paused.   
  
“I’m here for you too. About anything. You can talk, if you wanna,” Dan said shakily, but Phil’s face lit up with something that resonated right in Dan’s chest. He wondered if Phil felt the same feeling he was.   
  
“Thank you,” Phil replied, and went back to making tea, a small smile now resting on his lips.   
  
Dan finally moved his hand away, looking at it as if it was covered in something magical, like shiny goo or fairy dust. In reality it was still his hand, just as normal as it had been before he let it rest on Phil, yet it felt different. It felt warmer.   
It was weird how intimate sharing a small amount of heat could be with someone important to you.   
  
That thought gently crashed into Dan’s mind as he realised that yeah, this new Phil was already important to him. That meant no backing out, no running away, he was stuck fast. He was happy with it. That was a new thing too. This Phil seemed to bring out a lot of good in Dan. Dan wanted to touch Phil like that again.   
  
They went back and flopped on the sofa together, Phil getting up netflix and putting on a cartoon version of Zoolander which turned out to actually be very funny (especially in their state). After a few minutes of watching and commenting on it Dan felt something put weight on his shoulder, and he shivered a little when he looked and saw Phil resting his head there, trusting him openly to keep him comfortable.   
  
Phil trusted him.   
  
Dan stared at the top of the head in his view, dark roots and messy strands where they were fluffed up from the contact, and Dan wondered if he had the guts to rest his own head on Phil’s. Would it seem too romantic or too intimate? Or would Phil feel comforted by it like he would.   
  
Dan bent his neck to gingerly let his head fall on top of Phil’s, but this was already hurting his neck, and he had realised how stupid he was being about this. He took in a breath and let his body shuffle so Phil’s body leant more against him and he could lean back, each supporting the other’s weight more comfortably.   
  
Phil didn’t push him away and just went with it, seeming perfectly happy with how Dan had arranged them. Dan felt a small smile creep onto his lips as he drew his attention back to the tv.

He was glad he answered that call.  
  
_____   
  
Dan felt a lot more comfortable to hang out at Phil’s place now. He’d discovered that Phil was almost as messy as Henry could be and always had a supply of good alcohol, whether it be beer, cider or Phil’s favourite, vodka. He said he liked the burn, but Dan knew he just liked it because he could do a Russian accent whenever he talked about it. The best thing though was Phil’s balcony. Dan hadn’t even known it existed for around three weeks of frequenting Phil’s flat because it led out through Phil’s room. Naturally it’s a bit weird to go into someone’s room without knowing them too well (Phil’s case with Dan’s room was different however as he had helped to create it) so Dan had never really thought about it, although he could actually see it when walking below. He only found out when Phil suddenly jumped up, saying he needed to water his plants.   
  
“What plants?” Dan asked and Phil turned from where he was walking at the window, where a ray of evening sun hit the side of his face, making him glow.   
  
“I have a secret garden,” he smiled, and beckoned Dan with his hand, walking into the room Dan had always assumed to be Phil’s room. It turned out it was, with messy sheets and clothes all over the floor, but Phil was pulling back a long curtain over a window, which he opened and then Dan was honestly a little confused. “Ready to jump out a window?” Phil asked, sliding his leg out and sitting on the ledge.   
  
“What? Why?” Dan asked, a little worried that Phil was actually about to hurl himself out of the window.   
  
“It’s a balcony, dummy,” he said and hopped out. Dan moved closer and then grinned, seeing Phil a little way down so just his shoulders and head was in view surrounded by plants. Dan followed after him, letting out a little oomph as he didn’t bend his knees quite enough but he was enthralled by this little secret.   
  
“It’s gorgeous,” Dan said, staring, telling the utmost trust. There were trailing plants hanging off the side in little pots and troughs full of what looked like herbs. Hanging baskets were trailing flowers and a little orange tree sat to one side. Otherwise there was just flowers everywhere, only leaving a narrow-ish walkway to the centre, when Phil had sat, sticking his legs through the bars, neck twisted as he smiled at Dan. The sun was hitting him again, casting across his cheeks, his chest, making him squint happily at Dan which made him look like he was creating the light himself.   
  
“Come join me,” he said and Dan moved like a puppet towards him, copying his position beside him and staring out at the city.   
  
“Holy shit.” Was what Dan’s brain decided was the right response to this situation.   
  
“It’s my own little Eden, except with oranges and no moral dilemmas,” Phil told him. Dan just kept staring. “I’ve always loved plants and growing things. At my old apartment, all I had was a few plants that I kept on my windowsill, but here, I can really make them bloom,” Phil explained and Dan turned to him, smiling.   
  
“It’s amazing. What is everything?” he asked and Phil’s eyes lit up.   
  
“Well I’ve got herbs like mint, rosemary and thyme, that kind of stuff in that trough over there, then that little orange tree there which are nearly ripe. Er, that’s lavender in that pot, there’s also geraniums and pansies because they’re quite easy to grow. I can’t even remember half the things that are in the hanging baskets, but there is definitely ivy. I wish I had a real garden though, I’d love to grow properly big fruit trees, but that’s more of a future dream you know?” Phil rambled, and Dan couldn’t say he had been listening properly. He had been too focused on how Phil’s face moved, how his lips were constantly turned upwards, how he was still squinting from the sun but it showed off the freckles on his nose and how it crinkled a little when he was excited. Watching Phil talk was like watching the garden growing.

  
“It would be amazing to fit more out here, but I like sitting too,” Phil added, looking out dreamily.   
  
“Must be a nice thinking spot,” Dan commented and Phil gave a small nod.   
  
“Yeah, my own little hideaway. It’s not as impressive when there aren’t seasonal flowers, but with a blanket it’s just as cosy,” Phil said and Dan smiled.   
  
“I bet you must love showing this off to people,” he said, looking back out, but he noticed Phil start to fidget beside him.   
  
“Well actually I er, keep this quite private. I mean the landlord forgot to tell me about it when I first moved in, so he doesn’t really care about it for me to let him know about it. And then I don’t really have many other people who would like it so much, not like you.”   
  
That hit Dan like a branch to the face. Phil had wanted to show Dan something he found important enough to not tell other people. This was real, and Phil was looking away from him on purpose and Dan’s mind was going into hyperdrive.   
  
“Dude, that was so gay,” suddenly came out of his mouth, and then both of them were laughing. Dan wished he had the nerve to take a picture of Phil looking so happy.   
  
“Yeah, I guess it was,” Phil grinned at him, slinging his arm around Dan’s shoulder, who leant into the touch automatically. They hadn’t actually hugged yet, but this kind of thing was becoming more normal to Dan, and didn’t make him stress so much. “Oh hey, I was going to ask you this a while ago but I was worried you might find it weird. Remember that photo I took of you? People really liked it and I actually got comments asking who you were. I was wondering if you’d model for me sometime? Only if you’re comfortable with that?” Phil asked and Dan’s brows furrowed.   
  
“Wait, they want to see more pictures of me? Why?” Dan asked and Phil laughed, rolling his eyes.   
  
“Because you’re gorgeous you idiot. And Instragram loves gorgeous idiots, especially with pink hair,” Phil added, ruffling it, a new habit Dan wouldn’t grow tired of. Dan pretended to pout and fix it up but he was just doing that as an excuse. People wanted to see more of his face in Phil’s style? Shit, he’d never expected that to happen but… maybe he should do it-   
  
“Wait you said I was gorgeous?” Dan asked and Phil went a little pink.   
  
“Well yeah,” he said and Dan heard the shyness in his voice.   
  
“Wow this really is the gay balcony,” Dan muttered and Phil laughed again.   
  
“You can think about it if you want, I’m not gonna pressure you. Just tell me at some point,” Phil told him and Dan nibbled his lip.   
  
“What kind of modelling would it be? Like what would it be like,” Dan asked.   
  
“Mostly me making you stand in casual poses in nice lighting, nothing fancy,” Phil reassured him. “Actually, wait, I’ll show you. Stand up and lean against here,” he instructed and Dan hauled himself up, letting himself lean awkwardly on the balcony.   
  
“Like this?” Dan asked and Phil shook his head.   
  
“Honestly you look constipated, try and relax a little,” Phil suggested and Dan tensed up even more. “Okay, try this: Look out and tell me the thing you can see furthest away,” Phil asked and Dan squinted as he looked, leaning a little bit further over the bars.   
  
“A building that looks like a buttplug,” He said and he heard Phil laughing, and he turned to see him trying to take a photo, but his hands were moving too much.   
  
“Yeah, okay, now try the sky, see any dick shaped clouds?” he asked and Dan changed his position to look up more comfortably at the dusty pink.   
  
“Hey they match my hair. But er… oh a dolphin. Or a whale. Either way it’s changing now,” Dan said, turning back to Phil who was smiling at him.   
  
“Well look at that, the boy’s a natural,” he said, showing his phone to Dan with a picture on it.   
  
The pictures gave Dan the same sensation of cool air flushing over him as it had the first time. It made his body relax, his mind yearning to be that boy in the photo, the one who looked so pure and happy where he was. Well, the second part was true. Dan didn't think he'd ever want to be anywhere but this balcony.   
  
“You really are gorgeous, I'm not lying to you, I just want you to see it,” Phil told him softly and Dan looked up at him. He didn’t know what happened in his mind but suddenly he was hugging him firmly. He heard Phil’s breath catch in shock and then Phil tense up for a second before winding his arms around Dan's waist, relaxing his weight into him.   
  
Dan forgot how much safer he felt being hugged, the familiarity, how warm it was. He'd almost forgotten how it felt to be hugged like this, how Phil hugged him and he smiled.   
  
“You make me see it,” Dan mumbled, before letting go.   
  
But this Phil had never hugged him before.   
  
The panic dropped through his body as he stared at Phil, his body tensing because this wasn't his Phil and he'd just confused them again and oh fuck could he really keep this up when this kept happening?   
  
Phil was staring back at him, the smile slipping off his face too and Dan knew he knew.   
  
"Dan what's wrong?"   
  
Dan shook his head and turned, staggering a little and swaying against the balcony, his mind spinning as he looked down. Cars were zooming past below him and he wondered if it would just be quicker to push himself over and see what happened. No more panics, not more bad thoughts, just him alone with the concrete.

No, it wasn’t time for that, not in front of Phil. He glanced up to see Phil about to reach out for him, console him, help him and Dan couldn’t handle being close to him at all. His mind would lie to him, he’d hear his Phil’s voice, he’d think that it was him. Dan couldn’t let that happen.

He bolted, Phil’s fingers brushing his arm as he ran to the window, trying to haul himself through and scraping his leg as he did so. He scrambled inside after kicking himself up the wall and stumbled, tripping over things and he rushed through Phil's apartment and into his bathroom, feeling bile rise in his throat.  
  
"Dan!" He heard being called after him and Dan was just quick enough to shut and lock the door before he slumped down on the floor crying. "Dan, man, what's wrong? Do you need me to get help or anything?" Phil called to him through the door. Dan couldn't stop the tears gushing from his eyes, the snot dribbling or his breaths hitching to reply. He scrubbed at himself with toilet roll while he wailed, hitting his head off the bath a few times for being so fucking stupid.   
  
_"Dan, love, it's okay, I'm still here,"_ Dan heard as he pulled at his hair, his body trembling even more as he scratched at his scalp.   
  
"Phil, Phil I'm so sorry about everything I'm so sorry I'm sorry," he gabled as he sucked in air too fast, hating himself for hiding away from his Phil behind the door.   
  
"What are you apologising for? I don't understand. Please come out and talk to me or let me in, please Dan," Phil stressed, his tone different and Dan stared at the lock on the door, half willing it to open.   
  
If it opened, on the other side would either be his Phil or the new Phil, and Dan was terrified he wouldn't know the difference.   
  
"I can't," he choked out.   
  
"I will fucking break down my own door. Dan please, I'm not leaving you alone like this, I'll stay outside if you want but please just try and breathe; you're safe here," Phil told him and Dan shut his eyes.   
  
Safe, just like he felt minutes ago. The hug hadn't been with his Phil, it had been with this new Phil and it felt different. This Phil didn't cling, he patted Dan's back, it lasted only a few seconds. Dan's mind was just fucking him over again. This Phil outside was real and scared for him and wanted him to be okay. Dan couldn't hide away in here forever, even if he really wanted to.   
  
He looked up, trying to focus on anything he could. There was a smear on the mirror, a couple of toothbrushes, face wash, a contact lense case and moisturiser. Phil needed a lot more stuff than Dan did. However the distraction had worked, and Dan managed to shakily lean forwards up on his knees and undo the lock, falling back and letting his head rest against his knees.   
  
He heard the door open and a body sit down beside him, barely touching him but enough to let him know he was there.   
  
"Thank you for letting me in." Phil said, then stayed quiet.   
  
They stayed still, Dan letting his body calm down, trembling only every so often as he focused on his breathing. When he seemed to be breathing normally enough he raised his head, wincing at the light.   
  
"Water?" Phil asked, Dan replying with a small nod. Phil grabbed him a glass and while Dan sipped sat back beside him.   
  
"Did you call me 'love'?" Dan asked in a small voice and Phil looked confused.   
  
"I called you man?" He replied in as much as a question. Dan closed his eyes, his teeth clenched as he realised he'd been hearing things again.   
  
"I must have heard wrong," he muttered.   
  
"I'll never call you either if you want me to, in case?" Phil suggested and Dan wanted to weep with how well Phil understood.   
  
"Thank you,"   
  
"Do you want a different term of endearment, like bro because it sounds different?" Phil wondered and Dan snorted a small laugh.   
  
"Bro,"   
  
"Bro." Dan sniggered again.   
  
"Okay something different? Do you want cute or bro-ish or even something regional like duck?" Phil suggested and Dan shrugged. "Sweetheart? Doll face? Homie? Your middle name? Does your middle name comfort you or weird you out by the way, because Michael weirds me the heck out," Phil asked and Dan was feeling a little better now to think.   
  
"Any of those are good, just, never love, please," Dan stressed, hoping Phil wouldn't ask questions. "And James is mine, and it makes me cringe for some reason," he added and Phil nodded.   
  
"Okay then pumpkin, do you want to move somewhere comfier?" Dan gave a small nod. “Oh wait you’re bleeding,” Phil pointed out the sticky dark patch through a new tear in his jeans.

“Shit,” Dan mumbled, hands trembling as he rolled his jeans up around his shin. A decent sized gash was already red with some of the dried blood and Dan sighed at it. 

“Can I clean it up for you?” Phil asked and Dan closed his eyes and gave a small nod. He heard Phil moving around and then felt his presence as he sat in front of Dan, making him open his eyes.

“I couldn’t find antiseptic but I have boiled water and a cloth and that seemed to work okay in the olden times,” Phil told him and gently dabbed at the cut while Dan watched silently. “It’s gonna be okay I can tell you that. You scrambled pretty hard though, sorry if I did something wrong,”

Dan was a little ashamed all he felt he could do was shake his head, but it seemed enough so satisfy Phil’s worry. Phil finished up quickly and tossed the cloth in the sink, putting a bandage on his knee and rolling his jeans back down.

“Now it’s time to go somewhere less tiled. Do you need help up?”

Using another nod as a response, Phil stood up and gently rested a hand under Dan's elbow, waiting to see Dan's reactions and then taking his other wrist, helping to pull him up.   
  
"How's physical contact feeling right know?" Phil asked and Dan quickly shook his head. "That's fine, do you wanna sit on the sofa or have a nap in my bed? I promise the sheets are clean,"     
  
"A nap sounds good," Dan said and Phil stayed near as they shuffled into his room. Phil instantly grabbed some pyjamas for Dan who stared at him, then looked down.   
  
"I'm sorry about that," he murmured and Phil shook his head, gently touching his hand to make Dan look up.   
  
"You never have to be," Phil said firmly, looking into Dan's eyes before he smiled. "Have a good nap sweetheart," he added and left the room, leaving Dan to collapse onto the bed and almost instantly pass out, the pyjamas staying held in his arms.   
  
_____   
  
"Dan are you really okay hanging around with Phil this much?" Henry asked him later that night and Dan sighed.   
  
"I think it's worth it Hen. He's a really nice guy, I just, my brain, ah I don't know. But, he helped me through this one, you know. He didn't run, I don't think he'd let me bail now." Dan stayed quiet for a moment. "I don't want to bail."   
  
Henry was quiet and Dan felt nerves creeping into his stomach, before Henry squeezed his hand. "I'm glad. But does this mean I can only call you ‘babe'?" Dan let out a small laugh.

  
“Like it wouldn't affect me the same if you called me ‘love’ so you can but try not to around Phil," Dan said and Henry nodded.   
  
"Got it. Did Phil not ask then?"   
  
"No, he only asked what I was comfortable with and if I wanted to talk about it. He understood when I just wanted to leave and go home after rather than talk about anything," Dan told Henry who smiled. Dan hadn't mentioned how he'd curled up asleep in this new Phil’s scent, hugging a pile of pyjamas that he was meant to be wearing. He also didn't tell him that he had pretended he was hugging this new Phil when he fell asleep.   
  
"He's a good guy,"   
  
"Yeah he is. I just wish he looked different." Henry frowned at him.

“But then your Phil would have looked different, and still the same as this Phil. It wouldn't change anything, unless you're mad about him being attractive, because even I wouldn't say no to that dick if I didn't know him,”

“Hey,” Dan objected but Henry raised his eyebrows at him.

“This one isn't yours remember,” he said and Dan felt ashamed. “Like I'm not gonna go for him but people will. People do. So unless you want a romantic relationship with this Phil where you won't be confusing him for your old one, well, you're screwed buddy,” Henry pointed out and Dan sighed.

“I don't want romantic but my brain won't turn off the idea,” he pouted and Henry gave him a look.

“Have you jacked off while thinking about him?” He asked and Dan nearly jumping out of his skin, blushing.

“No! Of course not,” he spluttered, startled by the obscenity.

“Then you're fine. But sex comes before romance for you with Phil, so don't let it happen, okay?”

Dan felt his heart sink at the truth. Dan started their actual relationship part with angry sex when he should have just told him how he had felt before. He had never properly told Phil at all.

“Fucking Amelie,” he muttered. “She deserved better than what happened,”

“Yeah she did, but she's happy back in France now, and she's got someone butcher than you,”

‘How do you know that?”

“You know Facebook exists right?”

“Oh shit you still have her on it?” Dan asked, letting out a small groan as he pulled himself up.

“Yeah, and I went through and it looks like you breaking her heart was really good for her,” Henry told him and Dan’s brows furrowed. “Not in the way that she'd thank you for it but you can see it if you know the circumstances,” Henry explained. Dan shrugged and flopped back down.

“I'm still mad at Phil for doing that,” Dan said, then fell silent. “I mean, I mean that I did that, not Phil.” Dan stopped himself from talking more, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. It was his fault, he had wanted Phil in that moment and then just wanted to be mad at him. He had wanted that twisted fantasy and then forced it to happen, hurting both him and Phil, however much Dan could call that just Phil’s emotions alone. Fuck this was still confusing to get his head around.

“Dan, babe, you doing okay?”

“My head is going through honesty hour and trying to work out which bits of my life was me or was the Phil-me,” Dan replied, laughing nervously. 

“Do you wanna hold my hand? It's okay to think about it you know,” Henry said and Dan blindly reached out for Henry’s hand, finding it and squeezing it.

“Yeah, it's just very yikes,” Dan said and Henry started humming. “Now is not the time for Steven Universe,”

“Literally the perfect time for this song. Now be ready, take a deep breath and here comes a thought,”

“I fucking hate you,” Dan mumbled and he felt Henry kiss his hand.

“You can talk out loud you know,”

Dan took a deep breath.

“Was I in love with someone who was just a version of my personality I didn't know? Or someone I wanted to love me because I knew I'd be loved well because I could control it? Or someone I wanted to be like? Someone I could push around who'd value me? Was Phil actually a new type of being and I've literally fucked him over hugely but I'm the only one who knows about them? I just want to know. I really want to know. Because I don't know what it's like properly to not have all these thoughts running around. It would really help but I just will never know and it fills me with such dread that I've really screwed not only myself but Phil who was real. And then I still don't know if he is or was! I'm just fucking, confused as shit.” Dan let out a loud groan and Henry propped himself up to look at Dan properly.

“Fuck man, I'm no counsellor but that's some shit you're dealing with. But you can't be mad at your feelings forever, because then you're just gonna be miserable forever,”

“Hen, I can't just get over this,”

“I didn't mean get over it, just slowly accept you probably won't know and don't have a good way to find out which sucks, but you might be able to get through life a bit more easily?” Henry suggested and Dan hummed.

“You're probably right but like, right now I can't. Maybe in the future though. Right now I… miss him,”

Losing Phil had been like losing the equivalent of a family member. Phil had been in the majority of his life, as many hours possible spent together, even when they weren't conscious. Phil's company had been a staple part of Dan’s routine, a personal timetable for Dan would have included talking to Phil, sleeping with Phil (in both senses) and now Phil barely existed on it. He was just an extra, a footnote. Dan had loved Phil as hard as someone could to the point of moral issues. Fuck, toxicity. What they had had wasn’t great, but it didn’t mean Dan didn’t miss it. Hell, if he could have even just another fight with Phil, he’d take it.

Apparently he liked hurting Phil.

The most Dan had learnt from his relationship with Phil was that he was a huge asshole and he needed to not treat anyone like that ever again. It was just a shame that Dan kept realising he still treated people like this after he had repeated the mistake. Like realising he should have replied to Phil sooner because he was being unfair. Loading _everything_ on Henry. Whining over stupid things. He could still barely believe he broke down in front of Phil and then just napped and left. Now Phil had no idea what was wrong with him apart from how he can’t handle the pet name ‘love’ and broke down for no obvious reason. Phil probably thought he was the cause. It was Dan’s fault, not his. He should actually do something about it this time.

He tugged his phone out of his pocket and began typing, only to delete it.

“You texting him?” Henry asked, shuffling to look at his phone.

“Nah, I’m searching for porn,” Dan replied and Henry raised his eyes when he saw the blank screen.

“You haven’t written much there. What are you aiming to say?”

“I just kinda want him to know he wasn’t the reason I freaked out but I don’t want to say it like that in case he didn’t think that anyway,” Dan tried to explain. Henry took the phone off him.

**To Phil:** Hey, sorry about earlier. I’d love to be your model as long as I don’t have to get naked x

“Aaand sent,” Henry said, passing it back to Dan, who's jaw dropped.

“Why did you add a kiss?” Dan nearly yelled.

“Shit! Oh fuck, sorry, I do it naturally!”

“Well fuck, now he’s gonna think I’m sucking up to him because I’m a weirdo or he’s gonna think I’m flirting or I just send kisses normally! Henry I’m screwed!”

“It’s just a kiss Dan, he probably won’t care or even send one back, calm down,” Henry tried but Dan yelped as his phone buzzed, nearly dropping it.

**From Phil:** Yay! Thanks you’re doing me a solid. Is it k if I post the pic from earlier? I’m glad you’re feeling better x

“He sent a kiss back! Now what?” Dan asked, raking a hand through his hair before shaking Henry.

“Don’t add one when you say he can post the picture. Dan, did you not get this out of your system with Amelie?”

“This barely happened, she kissed me in real life instead!” Dan flapped and Henry couldn’t stop himself from laughing.

“Dan you’re acting like you’re a teenager still. Although it’s cute, calm down, because I will kill you for it,” he told him and Dan sucked in a deep breath before letting his body sag his fluster away.

“Okay I'm good.”

**To Phil:** yeah post it, i wanna see if modelling suits me or just your garden

Dan paused before clicking send, his fingers still hovering over the keyboard.

**To Phil** : and thank you for showing me your secret balcony, I'd love to see it again x

 

Dan didn't let himself hesitate this time before clicking send.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah that was kinda low key filler but er let's just say I have plans for next chapter that might make u guys a lil angry at me bc shit will probably start to hit the fan aha whoops


	5. Selfishness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan sometimes forgot there were more than two people in his life. People such as his counsellor, his work colleagues and his mum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took a while but it's 13.8k!!! i hope you forgive me for the wait. also if the formatting is weird also sorry

Dan spun around as he arched backwards over his bed, letting his leg kick out before he spun again, twisting down to the floor, his eyes closed. When Phil had said to go to his apartment to model because apparently the lighting was good by his windows, Dan had discovered the best way for him to loosen up was to dance. So if that meant looking like a fool in front of Phil for a bit then it was worth it, because the outcome would be amazing. At least that’s what Dan kept telling himself as he moved around the room. It felt good though, elongating his body and feeling elegant for once, even if he probably looked like an idiot. It gave him a warm feeling in his chest, like he was more than a person and a being who could create shapes to please the world.

 

He stopped for breath after a while, sitting down on Phil’s bed and only then did he realise that Phil’s camera had been held up, and he had been taking photos.

 

“Oh my god delete them right now,” Dan said, hauling himself up and over to Phil who shook his head and backed away.

 

“No! They’re really good, I didn’t know you could dance!” he said in awe, Dan still trying to reach the camera.

 

“I can’t, now delete them!” Dan pleaded and then paused as he saw the look Phil was giving him. It was almost like his pupils had become stars and his irises flashed over.

 

“Have a look first, please,” Phil asked. He passed him the camera and Dan flicked through the photos, his mouth a still line while his mind was blowing up. He looked like a real dancer, contemporary, as if he was flying around the room in different poses, his arms becoming wings. He looked like the freedom he’d wanted to feel.

 

“Do I really look like that?” he whispered and Phil nodded, gently taking the camera from his hands. 

 

“Yeah, you do. Please let me keep them, we don’t have to post them. I just don’t want to lose these,” Phil begged and Dan nodded.

 

“You can do anything you want with them, I just didn’t realise I didn’t look like an idiot,” he said, then went over to turn the music off, hoping to cool off his pink cheeks.

 

“You looked like you were having fun too. Did you dance when you were younger?” Phil asked, sitting on his bed, Dan joining him.

 

“No,”

 

“Well it’s not too late to start, you move like water,” Phil said, his voice sounding almost hazy as he flipped through the photos slowly, eyes stuck on them.

 

“I don’t know, but maybe I should have a look for classes.” Dan said non-seriously but Phil looked up and nodded hurriedly.

 

“Please do.” he then grinned at him goofily. “You’re seriously the best model I’ve ever had, and I had a good one at uni,” he said honestly and Dan felt some pride bloom in his chest.

 

“This means I can say that I’m not just a pretty face now,” Dan grinned and Phil shook his head, smiling.

 

“You could say that anyway you numpty.” His voice was full of affection and Dan rubbed the back of his neck, giving Phil an awkward smile in return.

 

“Thanks. Does this mean no more modelling today?” Dan wondered and Phil shrugged.

 

“Well I still want to go out into the city and see if I can find anything new. You can come along if you want but you don’t need to be the subject of the photos,” He asked and Dan was all ready to say yes when he remembered he was being called in for an extra shift.

 

“I can’t, I’ve got work soon but I can go into town with you if you want,” Dan told him and Phil smiled and nodded.

 

“Yeah, sounds radical,”

 

“Phil what the fuck,”

 

“Okay so that is one piece of slang that can’t come back without notice.” Dan snorted. “Anyways do you gotta leave now or are you good to be irresponsible and smoke with me?” He asked and Dan rolled his eyes.

 

“You can smoke but you always roll pretty strong ones so I’m good for today,” Dan told him and Phil shrugged.

 

“I wish I cared like you did. I'll smoke on the balcony then so you don't smell of it, let's go,” Phil said, grabbing his tin and walking into his room, Dan following after.

 

“How sweet of you to think of me, but you don't have to,” Dan replied sarcastically.

 

“I always think of you,” Phil said gently, sending Dan a smile before sliding out the window. Dan felt his stomach tense in happiness and jumped out after him, plopping down next to Phil with his legs tucked up. 

 

Phil was struggling with the lighter against the wind and Dan chuckled, taking it off him.

 

“Thanks,” Phil mumbled, cupping the roll up and leaning closer to Dan who lit it with ease. 

 

“You can ask for help more often by the way,” Dan told him, letting his head lie on his knee. Phil just made a noncommittal noise in return. “Or you could not and struggle with lighters forever,” 

 

“Hey I don't usually but I cut my finger when cleaning up a glass I dropped so it kinda hurts,” he said defensively and Dan laughed.

 

“You clutz. But you can still ask for help anyways.” Phil took a long drag and exhaled the smoke so it billowed around his face. 

 

“You're right. Not gonna lie it's pretty annoying,” 

 

“Uncalled for,” Dan murmured and Phil stayed silent. Dan closed his eyes while he let the breeze and smell drift around him, trying not to notice the small dent in his mood.

 

“Ya know, the first time I saw you again, I forgot it was raining. All I saw was you, remembering me, and shit, I don’t know… guilt, sort of. Like happiness, just, also guilt because I could have messaged you sooner. Should have. Thirteen years though, people change, I’d spent more time praying that you would remember me then actually finding out that you did. You looked a bit sick at first, when you asked why I hadn’t contacted you and that punched me in the gut. I don’t know if I played it off well but I really hated myself in that moment. Like what had I done to make you look that way, had I really meant that much to you? Because you meant that much to me, you still do.”

 

“Shit Phil you’re not even high yet,” Dan mumbled and Phil just laughed it off.

 

“I know this sounds stupid because we were kids, this was ages ago, I just knew I was happiest when I was with you. A lot of the time it’s still the same. Obviously you’re not the only cause of my happiness, I’m just grateful that you’re part of it. So thanks for being here when I’m grumpy, you probably didn’t need to know all that.”

 

A smile replaced the frown on Dan’s face as he watched Phil, seeing a slight flush on his cheeks as he determinedly looked away. They didn’t speak, but Phil eventually looked over, realising the message had been received. Phil then reached over and briefly let his hand touch Dan’s, looking nervous but making Dan’s heartbeat move to his ears. Phil was smiling brighter now and held his hand up, pinkie stuck out. 

 

“Promise me,” Phil told him but Dan tilted his head a little.

 

“Promise you what?”

 

“I’m not sure, just make something up in your head when we link,” Phil said. Dan let out a laugh, and hooked his finger with Phil’s. “You got something to promise?” Phil asked and Dan thought for a second, before nodding, his expression becoming more serious.

 

‘I promise I won’t fall in love with this one.’ Dan said to himself, watching as Phil’s face scrunched in a similar way. 

 

“Okay, break,” he said, letting his hand drop. 

 

“That was more like a wish,” Dan said without processing his words.  A quick flash of his old Phil washed over this Phil’s face and Dan’s stomach clenched.

 

“Eh, I never really believed in wishes anyway. I mean I’m guessing you do, lots of your tattoos are wish themed,” he babbled. Dan swallowed hard.

 

“Yeah, I have some memories from them. I’d thought one of them had come true at one point.” Dan knew he needed to stop talking, but it was just coming out. This felt like things he’d needed to get off his chest for a while, exactly where his tattoos were. A dandelion and Phil’s initials, how obvious could he be.

 

“What wish?” Phil wondered and Dan forced a smile, praying the uneasy feeling would leave him.

 

“I can’t tell you in case they still come true,” Dan told him and Phil rolled his eyes.

 

“You and your wishes. Will I ever know?”

 

“I’ll tell you if they happen.”

 

Dan felt guilt as they never would come true. If they did then Dan would be locked up, but it didn’t stop a small part of him from hoping. Maybe he didn’t even need those old wishes anymore. He had this Phil instead.

 

Phil stubbed out his joint and gestured for Dan to go inside first. After Phil scrambled back inside after him he shut the window and closed the curtain, turning to his bed and putting a few clothes away.

 

“I’m just gonna grab my camera and then we can go, sound good? It’s not too early is it? It’s just the bus doesn’t come too frequently,” Phil explained and Dan smiled.

 

“Yeah sure, is it okay if I change in the bathroom, gotta love those polo tops,” Dan said and Phil nodded.

 

“Go ahead, see you in a sec.”

 

Dan changed in the bathroom, a nervous pull hurting his chest as he checked his reflection in the mirror. He had made that promise to himself and he was going to stick to it. No matter how nice Phil was, no matter how much of his soul he shared with Dan it would stay platonic. Strictly. Even if it was exhausting. 

 

On the bright side, a direct hit of Phil nostalgia had happened and Dan hadn’t freaked out and hidden which was a definite good sign. He was getting more used to this situation. He’d based his Phil off this one anyway, it wasn’t too surprising there were things in common. It would be weird for them to be polar opposites. 

 

He ran a hand through his hair and looked at the moisturiser out on the sink. Thinking now how he had blown up at Phil, he had been stupid. It’s a natural curiosity to look at what other people own, especially when it’s out in the open. Dan peered at it and dabbed a tiny bit on his fingers, rubbing it into his skin. It smelt like rose and when Dan touched his skin he liked how soft it felt. 

 

He left the bathroom wondering if he should buy some of his own, maybe it would mean Phil would have to do less editing for his photos. He saw Phil fidgeting with his shoes when he came out and saw him look up and smile, camera hung around his neck.

 

“You ready now?” he asked and Dan nodded.

 

“Yeah, ready for a lucky five hours,” Dan replied. 

 

“Oh shit my keys, hold up,” Phil said quickly, patting his jean pockets and then walking over to the kitchen. 

 

“I stole some of your moisturiser by the way,” Dan called over as he opened the door. 

 

He nearly stepped onto a woman. She had a key held up, dark and striking features and was looking at him with confusion, then past him into the apartment, a softer expression appearing when she saw Phil. Then Dan realised. That hadn’t been Phil’s moisturiser.

 

“Phil, who’s this?” She called, Dan awkwardly stepping aside as she walked in.

 

“Oh it’s Dan. You two can finally meet,” Phil said happily, walking over to the woman and putting his arm around her shoulder. 

 

“Oh, the Dan who’s your new model?” She asked and he nodded. 

 

“Yeah! Dan this is Megan, or I sometimes call her Li when she’s in a good mood,” Phil explained and Megan smiled.

 

“My name is actually Megan Li but I hate Megan so call me Meg,” she said and Dan managed a smile.

 

“Nice to meet you,” Dan choked out. Phil suddenly looked so much more content now she was here. It nearly made Dan feel blameworthy that he couldn’t do the same thing.

 

“Anyways Li we gotta get going, Dan has work,”

 

“Okay, take some good photos too babe. Show me when you get back, I’ll make dinner,” she said, patting the side of her face with her finger and smiling at him.

 

Phil kissed her cheek and beamed at her, “Thanks, you’re the best cook out of the two of us,” he said and she swatted at him, Phil flinching away in time and then giving her a teasing smile.

 

“Off you go. Nice meeting you Dan,” she said, her voice turning a little dry, but Dan wondered if he was imagining it.

 

“You too, see you around,” he replied and he and Phil walked out of the apartment. For some reason it was silent while they walked out of the apartment block, Phil having a happy mask on his face, but was deliberately not looking at Dan. 

 

It was only when they reached outside of the apartment block that Dan spoke up, “I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.”

 

Phil finally looked at him, smiling awkwardly, “Yeah, we’ve been dating a while. I’m surprised I didn’t mention her,” he said, looking away again. 

 

‘Lair’ Dan’s voice hissed.

 

“How did you meet?” Dan asked, willing himself to make this conversation normal, to not fly into another state over things he wasn’t meant to be feeling. Things he’d told himself not to feel.

 

“I met her at uni in my last year. I saw her across campus and thought she was beautiful, and then a week later I found courage and asked her to be my model. She was so flattered that she agreed and then she worked with me for all of the year. Some of the photos hanging in my flat are of her, you might recognise her in them now. Anyway one evening she told me she liked me, and I stupidly have this rule where I don’t date my models. It’s kind of stupid, but it makes me feel like I’m using my relationship for media, making something public when it should be private. Of course I think my models are beautiful, I just don’t want the world to see something I’m honoured to see in that way.”

 

Phil looked back over at Dan, a catch in his voice. Dan wondered if it was in apology, or was a way of searching for acceptance that his reason was valid. Dan nodded as he stared at him, hoping it would comfort Phil. Even if Dan knew this was Phil’s way of telling Dan he was just a figure of fantasy, nothing that could provide romantic love. Just a friend, just a model, just that.  _ Beautiful. _ Except that word felt sour to Dan. 

 

Phil was slowing down his story now, his eyes glazing over a little as he kept talking, pulling at the sleeves of his hoodie. “So I told her I couldn’t and she was fine with it. That was quite a low point for me really, but she helped me quite a lot, she was a really good friend. I lost touch with her when the project I needed her for was done, and then uni was over and I moved back here. Then about a month after I’d settled here she messaged me asking me on a date. And now I’m here with her,” he said, smiling over at Dan. “I had reached a point where I didn’t really feel like I had anyone. I never thought someone could love me the way she does.” Phil’s voice went quiet. “She made me into me again.”

 

‘ _ I’d love you like that _ ’ whispered a small voice in Dan’s head which he instantly shook off. He hated the tendrils of jealously forming around his heart, squeezing at the arteries, starving him. 

 

“That’s really sweet,” he said instead and Phil’s smile warmed his cooling blood.

 

“Yeah. It feels storybook like, especially with me as the hopeless artist,” he joked, but then his expression sullied. “I’ve never had someone like you to tell that to.”

 

Dan bit his lip as Phil again stared away, Dan trying to spot his feelings in the side of Phil’s eyes but failing. “Like me?” Dan asked, determined to hurt himself further with Phil’s emotions.

 

“Someone I trust,” Phil replied stoically. Dan would have usually bumped Phil’s arm, but it felt wrong to touch him at this moment, when he was quiet and reserved. It felt wrong to show his own feelings back. How messed up was that?

 

“Thanks.” Dan said instead, and that was the end of that conversation. 

 

It was then changed (by Phil) to cameras and how Phil took photos and then he showed Dan how to work his camera as they sat on the bus. Dan tried to activate his mind into what Phil was saying, but couldn’t force himself and ended up just closing his eyes and letting his head lol on Phil’s shoulder. There was a new awkwardness, a new intake of breath that Phil gave which hadn’t been there before, but Dan didn’t care. He only cared when he opened his eyes and saw a new close up of Dan looking asleep on Phil’s screen. 

 

Dan was suddenly boiling with anger at how Phil didn’t consider this action intimate enough for love, but instead of acting he closed his eyes again and hoped Phil’s camera wouldn’t see the damp patch of skin under his lashes. 

 

If that photo wasn’t intimate then Dan was nothing compared to what Phil had with her.

 

Phil walked Dan to his work, hugging him goodbye and giving him a much more cheerful smile, but Dan felt sick and wanted to be nowhere near coffee, and was debating just running away somewhere and hiding. Instead he went in, clocked in, put on his apron and made himself an espresso, hoping it would make him throw up so he could be sent away. 

 

_____

 

It didn’t, his shift started and Dan felt himself thinking back to two years ago, back to his Phil. He couldn’t remember if it hurt the same way with that Phil as it did with this one, but he was pretty sure he was slowly killing himself to be thinking of either of them. Dan had told himself not to feel anything for this new Phil, and honestly Dan was reaching the point where all he saw were two different people who just happen to look the same. Right now he felt stronger about one than the other.

 

Part of him almost hated this new Phil. He was so open about his feelings towards Dan and it made Dan want to run because they were starting to affect his state, his wellbeing, his sanity. Part of Dan’s mind was striving to make Phil need him, to aim to suffice to his needs. This time Dan had realised, as he knew there was more for him in life than to be seen as beautiful to Phil. However he hated himself for feeling worthless to him, because he didn’t need Phil’s validation but he craved it. He was like a rag doll, being tossed around, hoping someone would catch him and pick him up again. That Phil would pick him up again. But Phil had someone else to support instead.

 

Dan was selfish. He wanted to be the closest to Phil, to care about him the most, to impact his life the most. He knew this thought track was destructive and that it had already destroyed his past, and yet here he was letting it weaken him now. He was feeble this second, thinking about how angry he was that Megan had done what Dan wished he could do. Not because this Phil had made him better and Dan wanted to pay back his kindness, but because he wanted Phil to look at him like that. 

 

Dan felt like he’d taken twenty strides backwards and was now sitting in the mud, staring at how this mess hand ended up on his hands. It had been months that he’d spent with this Phil, how had he not seen the signs. No one has two fucking toothbrushes to themselves.

 

“Dan, earth to Dan.” Dan looked around and felt almost as if his body had been sucked down onto the ground, plungers on his feet as he looked at his colleague. “I know toothbrush oral hygiene is important but now you need to make me a caramel latte, okay?” 

 

Dan felt his face heat up at the fact he’d been murmuring out loud but got back to work, forcing his mind to concentrate on his surroundings, on the drinks he was making, at the noise of the customers. He did this as methodically as possible, trying not to feel, until suddenly his stomach churned and he rushed out from the counter and to the bathroom, throwing up in the toilet. 

 

All while Dan was nearly crying on the bathroom floor the only positive thing he could think of was how he was sweating the moisturiser off his face.

 

Dan didn't want to be a part of this anymore.

 

_____

 

Dan had told Henry everything and Henry was glaring at him, his eyes closed and breathing methodical. 

 

“Dan I swear to god-”

 

“I know but it's not my fault! It's not like I wanted to-”

 

Henry slammed his hand against the wall, letting out a large slapping noise which made Dan fall quiet. “Yes you did. Some part of you loves the drama from it, loves making you unload all these feelings onto me and then expecting me to help. I'm sorry but fuck this. I'm not helping you anymore. Yeah, you're in love with Phil and he has a girlfriend, hard shit. It happens!”

 

Henry let out a long sigh and looked up at Dan through the parts of his hair that had flopped down in his anger. “Do you not get that I resent Phil a little? Because when I loved you he was why you didn't give me the time of day. And now again, he's back and the same fucking thing has happened again. I'm not in love with you, but it still hurts. Feelings don't just go away forever. But then I feel like I should laugh that at least I got out of the shit show that's loving you.”

 

He stabbed his finger against Dan's chest, making him back up against the wall. “Because you just don't care. Your love is just tainted and poisoned.” There was a tremble in Henry's voice, one Dan was hoping meant Henry didn't mean all this, but Dan had never seen the blistering look in his eyes. He was terrified. 

 

“I'm fucking glad Phil left because you when you were broken was the most caring I ever saw you. I'm glad you killed him.”

 

Dan snapped and pushed him hard away from him. “Take that back you piece of shit.” Dan snarled. “You’re fucking jealous, you second hand piece of ass,” 

 

Henry flew at him, tackling him straight to the floor and landing a punch on his jaw. Animal viciousness was all over his face as Dan struggled to push him off, Henry clawing at his arms as Dan landed a jab in his gut to throw him off. As Henry doubled over Dan slapped him over the head and pushed him to the floor, holding him down.

 

“I didn't kill him I didn't! You're just fucking with my head!” Dan yelled and Henry struggled. 

 

“You've been messing with mine too for years. All your shit is just karma. I don't know why I ever loved a crazy lunatic. You should be fucking locked up, you pervert.” Henry spat, and when Dan loosened his grip for a second in a shocked response Henry kicked his stomach. Dan hit him in the eye. Henry pulled his hair. 

 

“I just fucking wanted to be cared about as much as you do about Phil, but you're obsessed with him. I hope you never have him.”

 

“I do care about you, you asshole, I care about you more than anyone!’ 

 

_ “Fucking show it then.”  _

 

Dan flinched awake and his eyes darted around his room, trying to get his bearings. He could hear rain on his window and he was in his own room, but Henry was beside him. He was curled up asleep, hair unruly and drooling, hand loosely around Dan's arm. 

 

Dan had told Henry that Phil had a girlfriend and Henry had consoled him and his confusing emotions all evening. Dan barely knew how Henry felt about anything, and yet Henry was the most important person in Dan's life. He'd never met anyone like him, he was so different that it felt like he was on the wrong planet. Henry was inspiring to Dan and he constantly wished he could be as much as a good person. For some stupid reason however, Dan could never tell him this. No wonder his dream Henry was so bitter.

 

Dan sighed and rubbed a hand over his face, grimacing at the cold sweat on his face before he gently removed Henry's hand from his arm and replaced the empty space with his own body. He gently lay a hand over Henry’s waist and whispered as softly as he could to try and wake him. 

 

“Henry, Henry. Supreme angel? The real love of my life,” Dan tried and finally Henry mumbled.

 

“What y’want,” he groaned and Dan buried his face in his shoulder. 

 

“You are the most important person in the world to me. I'd literally give up anyone for you, old Phil as well, seriously anyone. Please don't think I love you any less than him ever. You're my number one.” Dan told him and a sleepy smile crept onto Henry's face, his eyes fluttering closed again.

 

“Geez you woke me up to tell me that? What kind of friend are you?” He teased and Dan kissed his ear. “Gross.”

 

“A very gay one, bro.” 

 

“Hmmm, hey if I went down on you as a friend would it be a brojob?” Henry mumbled.

 

Dan laughed and squeezed him a little, “yeah I think it would be. What kind of dream were you having?”

 

“A better one than yours I guess. What happened in yours?”

 

“A staged looking fist fight, I gave you a black eye and you punched me and we both said mean shit.” Dan fell quiet for a second, fidgeting with his toes. “Hen, if you ever want me to shut up about anything because you feel bad from it you'd better say. Like, you said in the dream 'feelings don't just go away’ so if I make u feel bad talking about boys- well Phil, then please say.”

 

Henry let out a small sigh and wiggled a little, eyes open again and blinking against the dark. “You almost ruined it by mentioning him, but I'll let you off because you meant well. Sometimes I just need quiet because negative thoughts can come up. But I know now that I'm number one so it will be okay.”

 

“You're literally perfect spooning size why would I want anyone else?”

 

“Nice save buddy, can I go back to sleep now?” 

 

“Yeah, sorry I woke you.” 

 

Dan knew it had been worth the break in sleep for that. 

 

______

 

Dan could feel it coming back. The twisting in his stomach, the tightness in his chest, the fact he couldn't remember some of the basic things in his life. He tried to tell himself that it was Phil, that Phil was messing him up again because he was unsure of his feelings towards him, that he was still doing well, but he was running out of lies to tell himself. 

 

It was coming back and he knew it and it was scaring him. Raw in the back of his mind, thoughts he believed to be locked away were slowly creeping back into his mind, tugging at memories and tearing into daydreams. It was slow and creeping. It was rushing in and it was keeping Dan tense and uncertain. He kept thinking clothes on his floor at a glance was the cat he and Henry had given away, seeing shadows as something moving closer. His mind kept playing tricks on him, but he wasn’t sure if this was just a normal thing for people. Henry had once thought a rock was a dog, maybe it was normal. He didn’t want to bring it up and worry him.

 

The worst part was how he was actually noticing his mood was a bit lower. Now it was getting to late autumn and the days were shorter, the dark seemed to slink closer to Dan and going home after a late shift didn’t feel as okay anymore. He wanted to deny it, but he knew his signs. He knew the slight loss of memory, the lack of words in his mind, the lack of sleep he was getting. Dan knew at some point it would raise its head and reach out for Dan, and Dan was so uncertain of himself and his feelings that he was nervous he’d let it take him. Or if he’d even noticed.

 

In the two weeks that Dan had found out about Megan the number of times he’d see Phil a week had dropped from five to three, and now one. Phil hadn’t asked him to model again, hadn’t texted him as much and Dan felt like it was his fault for the friendship suffering. He needed to sort this out but whenever he thought about how he felt a sickness washed over him and he’d need to lie in bed and distract himself. 

 

He should have asked sooner. He should have thought sooner. He should have realised sooner that he was getting a crush on Phil, and that doing so would physically crush him, inside and out. He knew he had to make a decision and sort himself so he was in a better position to deal with everything but it was too much to think of alone. Making Henry go through this was cruel and Dan didn’t really have anyone else. He hadn’t been to counselling with Ricky for ages because he’d been doing better and didn’t need it but now maybe he should go back? Ricky might understand if he explained how he based his personal Phil from the Phil now and how it was confusing him. He might really help him, or just let him talk his heart out.

 

Dan knew it was better to catch anything before it really spiralled, but he didn’t want to be monitored again when he was finally enjoying his independence. He didn’t want to have to move back in with his dad, even though that was the least of his problems. 

 

Dan pulled out his phone and scrolled through his messages and brought up his thread with Henry. He was only in the other room, but Dan didn’t want Henry quizzing him too much, he didn’t want to suffocate under more stresses.

 

**To Henry:** Do you think Ricky would let me not be locked up if I explained the whole ‘new phil’ shit with him? 

 

**From Henry:** He seems cool enough to give u more time, and you’ve been doing pretty well so far so I think it would be fine?? Might help u as well? 

 

**To Henry:** I’m gonna text and ask if he’s free some time soon to chat

 

**From Henry:** go for it  <3

 

Dan went through his contacts, clicking Ricky’s name like he’d brushed off dust and sending a message asking if he could get an appointment soon to talk over some things that had ‘been on his mind’. He wasn’t being too truthful about how he was actually a walking embodiment of stress, but he didn’t want Ricky to get worried just yet. He’d let that come in Ricky’s own time.

 

He was surprised to get an instant text back considering it was late in the night.

 

**From Ricky:** I’m pretty busy for the next few weeks with the seasonal depression kicking in for lots of people but if you’d be up for coming in early I could do tomorrow at say 8am? We could go and get coffee somewhere if that’s more comfortable?

 

**To Ricky:** Thank you, i’ll see you tomorrow at your office and bring coffee so we’re not zombies. Do you still like it black or have you given into sugar?

 

**From Ricky:** Sugar can stay away from me. Here’s the address in case you forget your way. See you tomorrow. 

 

Dan smiled a little and set an alarm on his phone for early in the morning. He had work a couple of hours after the session but that’s what the coffee was for.

 

“Did you get a response?” he heard Henry call from his room and Dan let out a little snort.

 

“Going in early tomorrow, I’ll try not to wake you up,” he replied, standing up and stretching, flicking on the light beside his bed and turning the main one out. “Goodnight,” he then added as he stripped off and crawled back into bed.

 

“Night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite,” Henry sang back.

 

“Fuck the bedbugs, I got other shit to do,” Dan mumbled and closed his eyes. A little weight was off his shoulders.

 

_____    

 

“Have you got my coffee?” Ricky asked as soon as Dan walked through the door.

 

“Shouldn’t you be saying something like ‘lovely to see you’?” Dan teased  Ricky glared.

 

“Give me the fucking coffee or I will kick you out. I didn’t sleep. You know I care about your wellbeing a lot, but I will kill you.” 

 

Dan quickly handed him the coffee and sat down, tucking his legs up in the chair and breathing in the dusty smell. He had been in this office so often he didn’t feel awkward being there which he guessed was nice, but the smell still wasn’t great. With the added drink smell, it was a bit like he was at work.

 

“Is it bad that being here feels normal still? Even after these months away?” Dan asked randomly and Ricky frowned, sipping his drink, wincing at the heat. 

 

“I mean it's a place you know well which is almost sad in itself, but do you see it as a positive place?” Ricky asked and Dan shrugged.

 

“Yeah to be honest,”

 

“Then I would say it isn't bad if it helps you.” Dan smiled at him. “So on the topic of you being here, why are you? What did you need to talk about?”

 

Dan's mouth dried as he noticed Ricky's subtle shift into work mode. It was now he realised he wasn't sure how to explain.

 

“I met a guy who I used to know when I was little. Be best friends with, about three or four months ago. He... looks like Phil.” Dan didn’t let himself pause to look at Ricky’s reaction. “I've gotten pretty close to him even if I’ve had some pretty intense freak outs to do with it. I get that I based my old Phil on this one, even if they are now very different, but I'm constantly scared I'm making it all up. Like there is this new Phil, and yet I'm still controlling him to act in certain ways, to look in certain ways. I'm scared it's not real. Henry has met him, he is real this time I promise. I think I just need to talk to you about it because even if I made a stupid mistake befriending him, you might know how to help,”

 

Ricky took a long sip of his drink, reaching and pulling his notepad out. He wrote something and turned it to show Dan. It was a huge exclamation mark.

 

“Jesus. Like it’s unprofessional of me to be shocked but Jesus Christ, why didn’t you come to me sooner? Well I mean I get why but wow. I mean well done for handling this alone but seriously, Jesus Christ,” Ricky gabled and Dan sighed.

 

“That’s my life for you.”

 

Ricky ripped off the page and held his pen against the new one, “so first off there’s this new Phil you used to know in real life?” He asked, waiting for Dan’s nod before writing it down.

 

“Yeah, he said he moved away when I was like seven or something, which is where I probably got my Phil from,” Dan explained while Ricky scribbled everything down. 

 

“How did you find this out? Did he tell you?” 

 

“Yeah, when I first saw him again,” His tone fell softer. “I thought he was my Phil.”

 

Ricky didn’t do loving sympathy so there was no pause for Dan to over-think in before the next question. “So what happened during that first meeting? How did you know he wasn’t the Phil you had created?”

 

“Because he said stuff that didn’t make sense like moving back a few months ago and the time thing. And the more I looked he looked different, like the physical features were similar but not the same,” 

 

“And you met up with him again?”

 

“I freaked out the first time I saw him and denied his offer of coffee but he gave me a business card and told me to text him so we could meet up. It was Henry that really got me to do it.”

 

“Henry’s your best friend right?”

 

“Yeah and now roommate.” Dan frowned. “Sorry I should have mentioned that sooner, but it’s been really good for me,” he added.

 

“That’s fine, I take it your dad was fine with it?”

 

“Yeah, he knows if anyone’s gonna look after me it’s Henry.”

 

Ricky took a few extra moments to finish writing, having another sip of coffee before continuing his questions. “So you agreed to meet him again and have been since. You said you’d gotten pretty close?” 

 

Dan’s stomach churned as he thought about it, “yeah, but it hasn’t been easy. I’m constantly worried that I’m still making it up when I actually have proof this Phil is real.”

 

Ricky’s pen scraped again, “did you say something about controlling him?”

 

Dan bit his lip, thinking of the best way to describe it, “with my Phil it was all me, wasn’t it? I was choosing what he did without realising and I get scared I’m doing it to this Phil too. Like he’s a person who likes physical contact and sometimes I think my brain is tricking me that it’s the old Phil, or that this Phil is doing it because I want him to, not because that’s just his own free will. Fuck this is confusing to explain,” Dan sighed, ruffling his hair. It had really grown out, him needing to get a haircut and Henry to redo the pink. His roots were huge and if he was modelling for Phil he needed it to stay good. 

 

And there he was thinking of what Phil thought of him again.

 

“Well I know it would be great to control minds and stuff but Dan you can’t do that. Many people will display the same characteristics your Phil did, it’s just that this new guy looks a lot the same and he was the basis of your Phil’s design. It doesn’t mean you’re controlling him,” Ricky pointed out and Dan nodded, sighing yet again.

 

“It’s just…” That he’d been hearing things again? That even though he could differentiate this Phil, he might be developing romantic feelings for him as well? “It’s just messing up my head a bit. I’ve had quite a few panic attacks where something he’s done has been so similar,”

 

“Can you give me an example?” Ricky asked, not catching the pause. It helped change subjects in Dan’s mind and focus on one.

 

“He hugged me and it felt the same. But then part way through my panic attack I realised it didn’t and I’d just made it up because I’d wanted it to be my Phil. And then I felt awful thinking that this Phil was just a bad replacement for my Phil when I know he’s not in the slightest.”

 

“So there’s a lot of guilt there?”

 

“So much,” he mumbled. “It’s a lot to wrap my head around.” 

 

Ricky hummed in agreement, “I take it he doesn’t know about your condition,”

 

“Fuck am I ever telling him.” 

 

“Honestly I couldn’t blame you. Being honest is important but I think that might be just a tad too honest.” 

 

They fell silent, sipping at drinks while they thought. Dan’s brain was split into racing and being frozen solid. These sessions were great for venting but they sometimes brought up things Dan didn’t really want to remind himself of.

 

“He found my pills.” Dan quietly added and Ricky looked up. “He thought they were antidepressants, so he thinks I’m depressed and he has been in the past so we’ve been sort of supporting each other through it. Like we’ll smoke or drink together and it helps, I just feel bad that I’m lying,”

 

“Well,” Ricky said, scribbling it down. “You do also have depression Dan, your meds help with that part of your brain as well as the dopamine side. You’re not lying to him, you’re just not telling him that you also have a different condition, which is your choice and your business.” 

 

Dan let out a sigh, staring at his feet. Ricky often tried not to use the ‘S’ word, Dan was never quite sure why. Honestly he wasn’t comfortable with it himself, and it made him wonder if that was the same reason Ricky didn’t use it. Maybe Ricky thought it was something else and wasn’t telling him. Maybe Dan was just being paranoid again.

 

“Dan,” Ricky finally said. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, and Phil isn’t going to be doing anything he doesn’t want to do. I get it must be hard to separate these two people in your mind but if the other Phil has gone and not returned then the main thing I think you need to try is remembering that this Phil his own person. His feelings, actions, thoughts are all his own. You can influence them sure, but you’re not controlling him. Try and place that thought in the front of your mind next time you see him.” 

 

Dan thought for a second, “okay. I’ll try.”

 

“And that’s why you’re here, to learn things to try and help yourself.” Ricky smiled at him and Dan found one to give back. The rest of the session was less eventful, mostly going over Dan’s new living arrangements and how his medication was working. He felt lighter than when he came in however. They made an appointment for a later time in a few weeks, Ricky asking him to bring more drinks and Dan declining since it would be in the afternoon.

 

Dan left, his stomach having uncurled and his posture slackened, a more positive outlook on the situation, even if they’d only tackled a small part of the problem. The last thing he expected was to see was Phil walking down the street towards him. 

 

Dan didn’t have time to run back inside, instead standing still as he stared. Shock appeared on Phil’s face as well when he noticed Dan, and then the place he'd just walked out of. 

 

“Oh Dan, hey,” he said with faked enthusiasm and Dan almost wanted to run back inside and lock himself in Ricky's room for the rest of the day.

 

“Hey. Why on earth are you here?” Dan asked, wincing at how he'd came off rude, seeing the tone hit Phil’s already weak expression. They were standing a lot further away than they ever had, an obvious tension lurking, but one that neither could place a reason to.

 

“It’s easily to walk this way to get to the train station. I take it you were-”

 

“Yeah,” Dan quickly cut him off. Saying out loud that he was getting help again was a little too much for this early morning.

 

“Did- did it help?” Phil's voice had gotten quieter and he was scratching at his leg a little too much for Dan not to notice.

 

Phil looked kind of different, smaller somehow, definitely more tired. It clicked in Dan's mind that he shouldn't be harsh in this moment, shouldn't talk to Phil about the things bothering him. Phil already looked ready to crack. He needed to help instead.

 

“Hey, stop that,” Dan said gently, stepping closer and moving Phil's arm himself. “And yeah. I've known my counsellor for a while. Are you maybe thinking of getting referred?” Dan wondered, trying to keep his voice soft.

 

“I don't know, I never did the whole counselling thing,” he said nervously.

 

Dan tried to give him a warm smile while he talked, “it's really helped me, it wouldn't hurt to give it a go?”

 

Phil shifted around and didn't look back at Dan. Dan wasn't sure if Phil physically couldn't make himself or if he'd said the wrong thing. Then the silence was getting too long and Dan was trying to think of something to say to make this easier, find an excuse to leave. Phil got there before him.

 

“You haven't come over this week, the plants are dying when it's not time and I don't understand.” Phil suddenly rushed and Dan bit his lip, swallowing hard. Here was that guilt again.

 

“I'll walk you to the station,” Dan responded, gently tugging at Phil's arm to get him walking again. It was partially due to Dan being worried about leaving Phil alone, but also to give him time to decide what to tell him. In truth he wasn't really sure, it was a little that he felt uncomfortable acting the way they did while now knowing Phil had a significant other. Even if Phil didn't think so, Dan felt their friendship was intimate and that felt wrong on some level. He could try and tell Phil that, but it seemed too real. Dan wasn't ready to face that.

  
  
“Your plants are dying?” He heard himself say and Phil gave a bare nod.   


  
“They should still be okay but they're wilting and nothing is working.” Dan stayed quiet, not  knowing how to react. He watched Phil curl his arms around himself at they walked slowly, his head pointing down. “I think it's because you haven't been there.”   


  
“Phil-”   


  
“Why have you not come over?” This time it was a plead, his words broken and catching on his intake of breath.    


  
“I felt like I'd get in the way, now I knew you had someone special. I wouldn't want to ruin something like that,” Dan said without thinking and Phil looked up at him, pained.   


  
“Why would you feel like that?”   


  
Dan felt his nerves starting to pull through into his mind and he tried to steady his breaths. “Because I'm not as special to you. I'm just a model.” Dan then started as Phil clutched his shoulder and finally looked at his face.   


  
“You're my best friend Dan.”   


  
They had stopped walking now, the quiet early street softly blaring in the background as Dan's ears rang. “I know Henry is yours and that's fine but you're mine. I don't have other friends, I- you mean so much to me and you thought you'd be in the way?”     


  
Dan didn't know how to react, his whole body having frozen up from the second Phil had touched him. 'Best friend' echoed in his head like a heartbeat and filled his body with scalding water.    


  
“Yeah,” Dan replied meekly. He'd thought Phil had only just liked him casually but Dan had forgotten that this was the guy who looked for him after so many years hoping to reconnect.    


  
“You're a fucking idiot, _ sweetheart _ .”    


  
Dan liked the way he said that word. His voice softened and he dropped the 'h', a hint of northern seeping through from his uni days. It fitted his voice and it fitted him saying it to Dan. It made him smile.

  
"The stupidest," Dan agreed and a smile came back onto Phil's face as well. His posture had straightened up again and he patted Dan's shoulder and took a step forward, sighing fondly, "only you could make me miss my train, Dan howell."   


  
"What! Can we run for it? Where are you going? Come on let's go I'm sure we can catch it-"   


  
"Dan calm down, I can get the next one, I'm not going far,"   


  
"Oh," Dan said, dropping Phil's wrist that he'd apparently been holding to tug him along. "Phil you scared me, train tickets are expensive for some places," Dan chastised, both starting up a comfortable pace to match the atmosphere around them.   


  
"If it had been expensive I would have ducked right out and away from that conversation. Though we could have 'ran for it' as you said, someone who hates physical activity," he teased.   


  
Dan shoved him, Phil teetering on the pavement and Dan tensed his muscles in order to pull him back to safety. However Phil found his centre of gravity and moved back closer to Dan again without falling and potentially causing Dan to become a murderer.   


  
"Hey I'm fully intending to take up dance classes soon,"   


  
"Looked around for any?"   


  
"Well not yet."   


  
"Oh yeah?" 

"Fuck off," Dan grumbled but Phil was naturally right. He was going to though, one day. "Where are you going anyway?" 

  
"To the airport," Phil said and then laughed at Dan's troubled look. "Don't worry, I'm not about to jump on a plain and leave forever, I think the one small bag shows that," he chuckled, patting his camera case. "No, it's for work. Showing advertising companies how people see their ads and stuff," 

"Oh cool. So you're playing spy?" 

  
"Yeah. You can come with if you want."   


  
Dan frowned, "would love to but can't, I got work in a few hours. But if I'm free next time I'd love to, your work is so interesting. Mine is just a filler because I don't even know what field I want to work in," Dan sighed and Phil shrugged   


  
"Well you've got plenty of time to figure it out, so don't stress over it constantly. Instead take those dance classes and look around for other shit,"    


  
Phil had pretty much changed person in less than five minutes. From the trembling boy to the righteous adult with barely any transition. It was amazing to see just how comfortable Phil was with Dan and naturally it made him feel over the moon. However Dan would be lying if he said there was nothing that worried him about it. Because either Phil was a really good actor and still hiding or he was being too erratic for a normal person. Dan hadn't really met anyone like this Phil before, so it could just be bad judgement but then it could also be something his head was creating.    


  
Aside from looks (as the more time spent with this Phil the more different he looked) Dan wasn't able to tell if he was real unless there were specific factors from the outside world affecting him. There had been no people around to acknowledge this Phil during the switch and it made Dan a little nervous now he’d noticed it.    


  
He tried to shake it off. It could have just been the run of the mill breakdown mood swing which everyone got. Dan hadn't changed anyone's actions in his head for a long time now.    


  
"What are you thinking about," Phil asked, the general curiosity rather than the probing type where it wouldn't matter how seriously Dan answered the question.   


  
He smiled a little bit and looked down at their feet moving across the pavement, "how my mental health has gotten a lot better." He was only being semi-truthful but it made Phil beam as if he'd finally seen a real miracle.   


  
"I’m so happy it has.” Then he fell quiet. Dan realised he was probably thinking about his own. A lot of the conversations they had included something like this, a small reminder of how they both weren’t quite normal. It stung a little each time, but at least they both understood each other. Well Phil probably thought he did, Dan was just a big liar who didn’t understand anything.   
  


They were reaching the station now, the street they were walking along becoming busier and they had to keep ducking past people, making it harder for them to talk. Honestly it was more comfortable this way. They’d reached an awkward point in their conversation and at least the exasperated smiles they could give each other was more entertaining than a weird silence.    
  
As soon as they walked through the entrance swarms of people were fighting against them to leave. Dan felt himself be pushed back by a group of men in suits and was forced back by the current. In his struggle to move away from the group, he’d lost sight of Phil. Then some asshole who had gone as soon as they came whacked a heavy duffle bag into Dan’s stomach, causing him to buckle and double over, getting further tossed around by the oncoming swarm. Dan would have been lying if he said he wasn’t terrified. Once when he was younger a similar thing had happened and he remembered his dad picking him up and carrying him out, letting him cry all over his shoulder. He wasn’t small enough for that now.

 

“Dan! I got you,” He heard and he looked up, seeing Phil who grabbed his wrist and started to drag him along behind him. The crowd got less thick and Phil’s grip slackened, his hand falling into Dan’s but still holding tight. Dan sucked in a deep breath and stared at Phil’s reddened face. Was he  _ blushing _ ?

 

Dan’s mind hit hyperdrive at the thought Phil would blush over him and then not let go of his hand. It was a nice hand though, maybe a little larger than Dan’s and soft, only calloused on his fingertips. Why was Dan thinking that, that was creepy, he needed to stop that. And let go of Phil’s hand. The crowd was scarce enough that he didn’t need it to guide him, it just felt comfortable instead. Which wasn’t a good thing and which Dan couldn’t seem to get through his head. 

 

They slowed to a halt when they reached the departure boards, Phil searching for one of the trains. He was still holding Dan’s hand tightly.

 

“Er Phil, can I have my hand back?” Dan spoke up, praying his voice hadn’t wavered and Phil looked down at Dan’s hand and his own joining them.

 

“Sorry” He spluttered, letting go. His face was beet red and Dan felt his ears burn.  _ Phil hadn’t even noticed. _

 

“Practice for if you have a kid you need to drag around?” Dan asked, not wanting to bring in the guilt factor of Meg.

 

Phil laughed awkwardly, looking down at the ground, “ha, yeah, I highly doubt that’s ever gonna happen.”

  
Dan’s eyebrow quirked but he didn’t comment, knowing the conversation would go sour and that it wasn’t worth it. “Your train?” he asked and Phil looked back up. 

 

“Comes in five minutes so I should grab a ticket and go to the platform. Come over soon?” Phil asked hopefully and Dan nodded.

 

“Yeah, I think I might. Bye, have fun running.” Dan told him and Phil quickly dragged him into a hug.

 

“You don’t have time!” Dan squawked and Phil just laughed. 

 

“Always time for a hug! Later!”

 

Dan watched Phil dash off before turning to leave, his pace quickening as he heard an announcement of a train coming in from London.

 

Phil seemed to have some odd mottos. And was just generally a bit weird. Dan wondered if Meg knew that Phil didn't want any kids, or maybe she was part of it? But then Dan didn't think Phil would be against adoption. Maybe Phil didn't think he'd always be with Meg. Maybe he liked holding Dan's hand too.   
  
Leaving the train station felt weird and not because it was now raining outside, forcing Dan to quickly flick his hood up and zip up his jacket. It was that in the short minutes he was there he'd held the hand of a man in a relationship, found out he didn't think a family was in his future and then was told there was always time for a hug. A hug with Dan.   
  
Dan stuffed his hands in his pockets as he trudged to his bus stop, clenching them into fists to try and distract himself from the feeling of forgetting something. Something he missed.    
  
Phil was doing something dangerous, and not in the adrenaline junkie way. He was messing with feelings, and Dan was starting to get scared that he'd be the one burned by them. 

 

Not being able to trust himself was really making this a lot harder than it could be.   
  
_____   
  
If anyone were ever to ask what Dan did in his spare time he'd probably just shrug and say go on the Internet. He would even say he'd hang out with his roommate. What he then wouldn't say however, was that he did stupid shit with said roommate. Today was a perfect example in the fact that he and Henry were having a body roll competition: whoever could body roll around the designated route in the apartment slowest had to pay for the take out.   
  
They had also had two shots of vodka each.    
  


“This is one of the stupider ones, what happened to rock paper scissors?” Dan complained and Henry rolled his eyes at him, leaving the starting line (a jacket on the floor) and grabbing the bottle, pouring another two shots. 

 

“We’re doing another one so you get happier,” Henry said, passing a glass. 

 

Dan took it, rolling his eyes, “Fine, let’s go.” They downed the shots and went back to equal positions, Dan’s eyes widening and letting out a small whoop. “Wow I felt that one hit me. So around the kitchen, around the sofa, your room then my room and back here?”

 

“Yeah, you ready? Three, two, one, go!”

 

They both attempted to rush forwards, wiggling their bodies and ending up doing some weird step with one leg forward and the other back. It wasn’t as quick as they thought it would be, and they both staggered quite a bit. They were both surprisingly good at body rolling however, but Henry was slowly pulling ahead. So Dan tripped him.

 

“No fair!” Henry cried, regaining balance and taking a few free steps to catch up, trying to pull Dan back.

 

“You get paid more!” Dan replied, finishing his lap around the sofa and heading towards Henry’s room, Henry’s hands desperately pulling at the back of his shirt.

 

“Doesn’t mean you get to cheat!”  

 

Dan was in and out of Henry’s room quickly, pretty much running now. He heard an indignant yell from Henry behind him who started running too. Dan darted into his room then crashed into Henry as he turned around, them both falling on the floor laughing. 

 

“Get off me!” Henry half yelled, half laughed as he pushed at Dan who was lying helplessly on top of him, rolling a little while he laughed, finding the situation hilarious. Henry wriggled out from under him, racing to the finish line, tripping in the progress and sliding across it back into the kitchen. 

 

Dan hadn’t bothered to move, still crumpled on the floor as Henry cheered, “Yes sucker! Karma for cheating. Thank fuck they didn’t get here part way through that,” 

 

Dan looked up at him from the floor, still letting out weak giggles and made grabbing gestures towards Henry who grinned and came over, helping him stumble up onto his feet. He didn’t really mind having to pay.

 

“Body rolling is hard,” Dan mumbled and Henry practiced one.

 

“I don’t think so,”

 

“You dance in more clubs than me though,” Dan pointed out and Henry rolled his eyes. 

 

“Come on then, show me.” Dan did a small wiggle and Henry let out a low whistle in response. “The boy’s got hips. I mean, I already knew that because you definitely knew how to use them but still, I’d tap that,” Henry winked.

 

“Nooo,” Dan whined, pushing him away a little. “You know I get sexually flus-frustrated when I’m drunk,” 

 

“Yes Dan I really do know, you have given me a drunken lap dance,” Henry reminded him, his cheeks a little pink at the memory. 

 

“Oh shit, yeah I did do that,” Dan giggled. “Whoa that last one really hit me, I’m gonna sofa.” Dan wavered across and flopped down, whining as the doorbell went off. “Henry can you pay, like, get the money from my wallet?” he pleaded, pulling his best puppy face. 

 

“Yeah yeah, on it.” 

 

Henry paid for the pizza and then flopped next to Dan, putting on an episode of The Simpsons while they ate, pouring some of the vodka into the coke that came with the deal. Dan loved these Friday nights, they were always so cosy and stupid.

 

“So like why is Homer technically larger than Barney when by like physical looks he’s not, it’s-” Henry cut off his rambling when the doorbell rang again. They both looked at each other and then at the door.

 

“I swear the pizza already came,” Henry said, standing up and going to answer the door. For the second time this week, unexpectedly it was Phil who Dan saw standing there.

 

“Hey,” He smiled at Henry who looked confused.

 

“Hey, what are you doing here?” 

 

Phil also looked confused, “Dan texted me and said I should join you?” 

 

“Oh shit yeah,” Dan realised, laughing. “I forgot. Do you want some vodka?” He asked and Phil shook his head. 

 

“Nah, I gotta get home later,” he said and Henry shrugged.

 

“You can always stay over,”

 

“Nah it’s fine,” Phil said, slipping off his shoes and coat and joining them. “So what are we doing and is this spare pizza?”

 

“Help yourself. Hey should we play Just Dance?” Henry asked.

 

“Yes I love that,” Dan grinned and Henry started to set it up before Phil could say anything,

 

“Heads up, I suck at dancing,” Phil told them and Henry laughed.

 

“I’m not great and Dan can, he just chooses to be sexual with this game. He loves the Beyonce- Shakira song, he might make you do it with him,” Henry warned and Phil laughed.

 

“I’d better get ready then.”

 

_____

 

Dan was laughing when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, checking the caller to see it was his dad. He went to the edge of the kitchen to answer it away from Phil and Henry’s noises and thumping.

 

“Hi dad,” he chirped.

 

“Er, yeah hi,” his dad responded, his voice deep and defeated.

 

“What’s wrong, why are you calling?” Dan asked, his happy mood pausing as he felt nerves slip into his stomach.

 

“I… I don’t know how to say this. Dan, it’s about your mum. She was in an accident, she was driving drunk apparently, had an addiction. She’s… she died a few hours ago.” 

 

White noise roared into Dan’s ears, he couldn’t hear anything else his dad was saying and the phone slipped out of his hand and onto the floor. He thought someone might have asked if he was okay but he just felt nothing. He wasn’t crying, he was just standing and doing nothing, looking at a cupboard door which meant nothing.

 

A hand sat on his shoulder and he vaguely turned to see Phil mouthing something at him, Henry now on the phone, his hand over his mouth as he glanced over at Dan and hung up. He watched as Henry stepped over to him and gently cupped his face, mouthing more things Dan couldn’t quite hear until, “Dan love, I’ve got you.”

 

The ringing stopped as he stared at Henry, his face crumpling slightly. “She died?” he whispered and Henry nodded. “Shit. And apparently she’d been an alcoholic.

 

Dan hadn’t seen her for years, hadn’t heard from her at all but whenever he thought of her he thought she would have been okay. Had a better family, better house, a better child. But she had been addicted and now she wasn’t even that. She was just gone. Gone while he and Henry were doing shots.

 

His stomach lurched and he ran over to the sink, feeling the bile rise and all the pizza and alcohol he had consumed come back up. Henry was by him in an instant, clutching his shoulder and whispering comforts in his ear. Tears were now flowing down Dan’s cheeks from the acid pain in his throat as he spat a few times into the sink.

 

“Dan love, let’s get you to the toilet okay?” Henry said, starting to guide him away.

 

“I’ll clean up and get him some water,” Phil told Henry quietly who smiled in thanks. 

 

Dan was sat down gently next to the toilet, going to throw up again as soon as he got there, but having already emptied his stomach’s contents. He heaved again, nothing more coming and letting his back fall against the sink, wiping his eyes roughly.

 

Phil walked in and silently passed him a glass of water, sitting down in the doorway. 

 

“I wasn’t even close to her, I haven’t seen her in years,” Dan choked out, as if trying to give a reason to his reaction.

 

“Love, you’re not over-reacting,” Henry reassured him and Dan hung his head, sipping at the water. It cooled his burning throat and his voice stopped rasping as he continued to sip.

 

“But she was my mum. I thought… she’d be somewhere better, a family… not… this.” Dan looked up to see the understanding cross Phil’s face of the situation. Dan hadn’t told him that his parents had split up ages ago, he’d barely told him anything about the past parts of his life. “I need a distraction.” 

 

“Do you wanna go and sit down somewhere comfier? I can call and talk to your dad about it for you,” Henry suggested and Dan nodded.

 

Henry helped him up and sat him down on the couch, putting a blanket around him before kissing his forehead and moving to his room. Phil sat down close beside him and Dan let his head fall onto his shoulder.

 

“I’m sorry,” Phil said softly and Dan sighed, sniffing hard. “Should I put on the TV?” Dan nodded and Phil switched it on, turning the volume up on some cooking show to cover over the muffles from Henry’s room.

 

Dan's stomach hadn't completely settled yet, a nervous feeling left while he thought about Phil leaving here later. He'd have to get home in a dark and he was the sort of person to not waste money on a taxi. He was wearing dark clothes. What if… someone like his mum hit him with a car. What if he just wasn't seen? It was irrational, he was being irrational, but-

 

“Dan are you okay? You're shivering.” Phil had noticed something was wrong. 

 

“Stay over tonight,  _ please _ ,” he whispered and Phil moved his arm around him.

 

“Yeah, okay I will.” He said, so easily, the words slipping off his tongue while he held Dan closer. Phil really did care about him a lot. It had been months of infrequent meetings and yet he was fine to comfort Dan with barely any information on the situation. 

 

“You're too good,” Dan spoke up gingerly, half wondering if voicing his thoughts was a good idea.

 

Phil let out a small laugh, “do you want me to dramatically tell you that I won't stay over?” 

 

“No, I-” Dan chewed his lip, unsure of how to phrase it. “You're too good to  _ me _ ,” he managed and Phil looked down at him with sadness in his eyes. He somehow looked years older, as if a kid had told their granddad about a bad dream they'd had.

 

“I care about you, you deserve goodness” Phil responded, honestly.

 

“But you're always doing shit for me,” Dan tried to argue but Phil shook his head.

 

“Dan, that's because, and I hate to say this, your life keeps getting shitter than mine so you have less chances to do the same,” he told him with a sad laugh and Dan found some humour in it.

 

“Yeah, you're right about that.”

 

“Even if they weren't I'd try my best,” Phil added softly, looking away from Dan and at the water on the coffee table. 

 

Dan's heart clenched and he let his eyes close. “I'll try and do the same for you.”

 

Phil gave him the most gentle smile Dan had seen yet and he was too stunned to return it. Instead he closed his eyes and turned his face into Phil's shirt.

 

Padded footsteps came from behind him and Dan looked up to see Henry, tear stains half rubbed from his eyes and a droop in his shoulders. Phil muted the programme.

 

“Your dad was crying,” he said as he flopped onto the chair, quickly assessing the situation. Dan gave him a tired look before Henry could raise his eyebrows at the positioning. “Do you… do you want to know more?” He asked tentatively.

 

Dan nodded on instinct and Phil glanced down as if checking that was really what he wanted. “Yeah, tell me.”

 

“What your dad told me was that she had been under the influence of alcohol while driving home. She crashed when turning a corner into a lamppost to avoid a person in the road. They were the one to call an ambulance. Your dad was told by her boyfriend, I'm guessing he'll be organising a funeral later on. He didn’t know she was addicted. She went quickly,” Henry explained, trying not to let his own emotions show through.

 

Dan wondered if he should have waited, should have found out from his dad himself because right now he just couldn't feel anything for it. It felt like just more facts for a person he didn't know, except he knew these were meant to impact him emotionally. It just wasn't there anymore.

 

“Thank you for finding out for me,” Dan whispered and Henry nodded, sipping some of the water. “Is my dad doing okay?”

 

“Aside from the crying I think so. He'll want to hear from you soon but I explained that you were processing it a bit negatively, so he left it alone.” 

 

Dan's dad was really good at giving him the space he needed. He'd always seemed to get Dan's mental health was a really impacting part of his life and how it limited him unlike some parents. He would always check if Dan was okay and understood when even Dan wasn't sure what was going on inside his head. Dan admired him for being open with emotions as well, especially towards him. Maybe it was part of the reason he felt a little starved of it away from home. 

 

“You look exhausted, you should go to bed. Phil, I hate to sound like a babysitter but you should probably go home or call a taxi or something soon as it's pretty dark out.” Dan felt his hand instinctively clench around Phil's arm.

 

“I'm camping on the sofa tonight,” he said and Henry nodded, understanding or deciding not to fight it.

 

“Cool, but Dan, you really should get some sleep,” 

 

“Not yet. I'll just lie there. You should though, you have an early shift tomorrow,” Dan reminded him.

 

“I can stay up,” Henry protested but Dan shook his head.

 

“Hen your eyes are closing, please get some sleep. You've seen me worse and I'm still here, get some sleep I'll be fine, just slightly more sad,” Dan coaxed him and Henry sighed.

 

“You win me over so easily,” he said, standing up and walking across to Dan, kissing his forehead.

 

Dan managed a small smile, “Love you.”

 

“Love you too,” he responded. He turned to Phil, “I'm not going to kiss your forehead because I don't think we're there yet but I hope you sleep okay, make sure Dan grabs you a pillow and stuff. Goodnight,” he rambled before wobbling into his room and shutting the door. 

 

“He suddenly looks so much older,” Phil mused. Dan understood how weird it was seeing the change for the first time, but Henry was one of the most grown up adults he knew. 

 

“He cares about people too much for it to be healthy,” Dan mumbled. 

 

They went back to quietly watching TV, hearing snores coming from Henry's room confirming that he was asleep and making Phil laugh. Dan's body was relaxing and his mind switching off from everything that had happened, focusing on the comfort Phil was providing and the fact his loved ones were safe.  

 

He slowly started drifting off against Phil's shoulder until Phil had to jiggle him awake.

 

“Dan I think you need to go to bed. Before you zonk out though can you grab me some stuff please?” Phil asked and Dan looked down.

 

He knew it would be selfish asking, he knew Phil loved his girlfriend but Dan really didn't want to be sleeping alone, and didn't want to lose his grip on Phil right now. Fuck it, Phil could always say no.

 

“You don't have to if you don't want to, but you could share my bed if you want to? Your back will hurt less and-” ‘And I won't be alone with my thoughts’.

 

“Happily,” Phil replied and Dan felt his heart lift. “Come on then, sleepyhead.”

 

They went into Dan's room, him throwing some spare pyjamas at Phil while changing (looking away) and crawling into bed, switching off the light as soon as Phil was in beside him, having laid his glasses on the windowsill.

 

“I can hardly see you at all now,” Phil mumbled and Dan chuckled.

 

“You really are a bit blind,”

 

“No shit, I don't wear the glasses for the aesthetic,” Phil snorted.

 

“I don't think anyone would mind.” Dan blushed at realising his words. Phil didn’t seem to notice, looking down at the pillows instead.

 

“Hey, this is nosy, but remember when you asked me not to ever call you, well I won't say it but Henry kept calling you it earlier. Why is it different for me, you reacted so badly before, am I the problem?” 

 

Dan was lost at how to answer. Although Phil couldn't see Dan well, Dan could see the nervous look on Phil's face, almost guilty in case he had brought something up Dan really couldn't face. Dan didn't want to lie to that look, or really come up with a lie for it. 

 

Phil wouldn't run.

 

“It is but through no fault of your own. I used to be in love with this guy who always used that as my pet name. Henry has been using it for years so it's normal for him to say it but there are some bad memories from when the guy said it. He kind of looked a bit like you too. That's why I wouldn't be able to handle you calling me 'love’. I'd panic like before,” Dan explained tiredly. Phil seemed happy enough with the explanation, even if it had drained Dan.

 

“So when you freaked out before was something I did a bit of a reminder?” He asked.

 

“Yeah,” Dan said, knowing Phil wouldn't see a proper nod. “I'm getting over it though, just slowly. I- I'm sorry I didn't explain before.”

 

“I get you needed time.”

 

“You get too much,” Dan mumbled and Phil laughed quietly. 

 

“It's from experience,” he paused. “But also because I don't want to lose you through my own fault when last time I didn't have a choice.”

 

Dan clenched his jaw and shuffled a little closer to him, “you won't,” 

 

“I really don't know how to explain that I feel like I need to know you,” Phil whispered, his eyes having closed. Dan looked over the shadowed features, the crinkle in his brow and frown on his lips. “I feel like it could get me in trouble, but I'm not going to stop. When I met you again I felt like you'd get me, like I hadn't seen you for years but I felt like you'd get the numbness I've felt and still feel, and then I found your meds and you did. You do. It makes me feel less alone but confused how I guessed so accurately that you feel the same. I know this probably sounds weird as fuck but like I feel tied to you, and less alone now you're around. I don’t get it.”

 

“If it gets you in trouble you then leave because I'm good at that. Fuck knows the toil I've had on Henry,” Dan warned him but Phil shook his head.

 

“No, I mean… I can't say it out loud in words,” Phil sighed in frustration. “None of this makes sense but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I want to find out why you mean so much to me,” 

 

“I'm too tired to tell if that was rude or not,” Dan mumbled, trying not to focus on Phil's meaningful words.

 

“No I didn't mean because you're not special, you must know I think you are by now. I mean there's something more, I can feel it,” Phil stressed and Dan curled up a little tighter. He didn't want to think how this Phil and his old Phil could be linked, he didn't want his mind to fill with all of this. He wanted to feel gentle and soft and fall asleep safe. This conversation wasn't going that way.

 

“Sorry, I kind of unloaded on you there,” Phil laughed nervously. “You just bring out a lot of repressed stuff in me I guess,”

 

“You're welcome,” Dan mumbled and Phil laughed again, but it sounded happy. Dan suddenly felt fingertips brush against his forehead and he tensed up, almost sniffing with a surprised breath. The fingers stayed and Dan slowly opened his eyes, seeing Phil looking right back at Dan’s face, a warmth in his eyes.

 

“Are you going to keep your hair pink or go a different colour?” Phil asked and Dan looked up to try and see his hair in the dark, only seeing Phil's hand there. It wasn't moving away. It just kept stroking through the strands and Dan wasn't sure if he was comfortable or not. 

 

“I don't know. Some colours kind of remind me of bad memories,” Dan mumbled.    

 

“What colours?” 

 

_ ‘The one Phil's eyes were at the moment.’ _

 

“Some shades of blue, like grey ones,” Dan murmured, not looking back at Phil. He blinked and seemed to realise what Dan meant, moving his hand away from Dan, shutting his eyes.

 

“I can’t not look at you forever,” he mumbled, and Dan felt awful. He didn’t know how to lie to Phil at this point.

 

“Only in some lights,” Dan tried and Phil gave a weak chuckle. 

 

“Do you know you still use the same tone to lie as when you were younger?” He said and Dan bit his lip, feeling his cheeks flush. How did Phil remember so much when Dan knew nothing? “You do, and it’s okay because at least I’ll know, and that you’re only doing it to try and make me feel better,” Phil let out a small laugh, moving his hand back to Dan’s hair who was staring back at him with stars in his eyes. 

 

“My little Dan. I hoped when we met you’d be in the same year as me, because well, within about ten minutes I knew we’d be best friends. But then I couldn’t spend every day in school with you, and then we weren’t on the same break times and then I had to leave the city.” Phil was stroking over Dan’s face now, cupping his cheeks, tracing his cupid’s bow, his eyebrows, the creases around his eyes. “And now you’re back, and you lie the same way, and it makes me happy,” he laughed. “I don’t get why it makes me happy. Maybe it’s because it’s you,” Phil wondered.

 

“You’re not even drunk,” Dan voiced, almost in disbelief, emotions pouring over his mind. Phil just smiled back at him.

 

“I don’t have to be to tell you what you mean to me.”

 

“Goodnight,” Dan said quickly, turning over and he heard Phil chuckle softly.

 

“Goodnight Dan.” 

 

He was shocked to feel something press against the back of his head and he screwed his eyes shut at the thought it could have been Phil’s mouth. This asshole was playing him, his comfort was too much, too personal and Dan just couldn’t work out why. Dan couldn’t give Phil anything he needed, couldn’t care for him like someone normal would because there would always be fear in the back of his mind. It made no sense for Phil to do this to him.

 

Then Dan finally understood; Phil was cruel.

 

_____

 

Dan woke up around six in the morning when it was still dark outside. An annoying bird who had seen the sun too early had chirped slightly too loudly and let Dan pull himself from sleep. Yet another thing had stirred him: Phil's arm was resting on his chest.    


  
Dan rolled carefully so he could see Phil, realising how he'd drifted to Dan's side of the bed, his head in the dip between the pillows. Dan faced away again, holding his breath to see if Phil's arm would fall naturally but it remained stuck.    


  
Dan tensed as he heard Phil let out a muffled groan and shift closer, his forehead against the back of Dan's neck. He was probably used to having Megan there, to hugging her, to warming her up when it was too cold out of the sheets. But at this moment Dan didn’t care. He let his eyes fall shut and took a deep breath. Consequences were still a few sweet hours away. It would be this night only that he’d let himself be selfish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it wouldn't be my writing if i wasn't an asshole to Dan i'm very sorry


	6. Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah feelings. If only they stayed consistent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wellll... okay yeah im sorry i disappeared for a while. Just gonna explain it quickly and say it was new work, mental health and forgetting about this chapter. Don't hate me, this chapter had been pretty much done for ages, just needed editing and bits added but i suck so yeah. Anyways i hope u like this chapter and don't like want to kill me a lil bit. Dan's fickle, ya know.

“It’s been a month Dan, how have you been doing?”

 

Dan fidgeted with his fingers, picking at his cuticles and listening to the tiny scratching noise it made. The clock's ticking was loud and obnoxious, forcing Dan to feel the time going by. He was here to get help, but he wasn't sure how. To answer how his personal state of well-being was, 'not good’ would be the answer. He knew he'd been slipping backwards again, hiding away, forgetting days and meals and people. He'd seen Phil a few times, and then had to stay away. He'd told Phil he needed space to get over his mum’s death, but something about being near Phil was bugging him. 

 

In all honesty, he’d forgotten most of the month.

 

A few days after that night he'd gone over to Phil's, determined to keep going with his life, not letting it halt when the pain was rather small. 

 

_ “They’re doing better,” Phil told him as he stroked along some of the mint leaves. “Like I know you just got here, but I can feel it. I bet tomorrow they'll be perked up!” _

 

It had been a good day Dan had thought, but as soon as he had gotten home he slumped. Something was wrong, and this time it wasn't as easy to pinpoint as romantic feelings.

 

It had hit him that Phil had known his mother when they were little. She'd known he existed when Dan hadn't and it made him wonder if she knew Dan had fixated a character off of him. His dad hadn't, he could confirm that but he could no longer ask his mum. It made it feel weird being around Phil, and that's when he called for some space. He at least semi-honestly explained to Phil that he didn't know quite why either, they'd still texted, but Phil had been worried. It was different to meeting in person. This way felt colder. 

 

“Have you seen Phil recently? Has anything happened with him?” Dan didn't speak again. “So I take it you haven't seen him. Dan, do you think of your mother a lot? Please try a vocal answer this time.”

 

'Yes,” Dan said quietly.

 

“Why? And not because she’s dead. You have told me in the past you barely knew her. So why do you think this has affected you so much?”

 

Dan breathed out a sigh and stared at the ground, “I thought she'd be okay, be how I remembered her.”

 

“And she's not which is what is getting to you the most,” Ricky prompted. 

 

“I thought she'd have a different family, you know? In my mind that sounded about right.”

 

“Did you perhaps ever think of her having another son? Not a daughter?” Ricky asked and Dan licked his lips and nodded.

 

“Yeah,”

 

“One without your disorders?” 

 

Dan closed his eyes, “yeah.”

 

“Dan… you’re not your disorders, remember?” Ricky reminded him and Dan sighed, looking back up at him.

 

“I know, but she left because of them,”

 

“I thought she left because her and your dad weren’t in love anymore,” Ricky prompted and Dan 

fell quiet again.

 

“When she left I wasn’t doing well. I will have been part of the reason, or she’d have stayed in contact. You can’t really argue otherwise,”

 

Ricky put down his paper and leant a little forward towards Dan, “what I’m hearing is that she wasn’t capable, making her the problem,” Ricky said and Dan puffed out his cheeks.

 

“Doesn’t stop me being the problem.”

 

The memory of the first time Phil disappeared flashed into his head. How he’d called out for help, for Phil. He’d heard his mother’s footsteps and then heard her leave him sobbing in the bathroom when he needed her support. 

 

“But you were sixteen and she was a grown woman with life experience. She should have been able to cope or at least try. Your dad did,” Ricky told him and Dan curled into himself. “If she had had another son and the same thing had happened in her state she wouldn’t have stayed either. You’re not the one at fault and by no choice of your own. I understand why you’re sad but you were never the problem.”

 

Dan wasn’t sure if he was meant to feel better from these words. It didn’t stop his mum being dead and it hadn’t stopped her leaving, it just sounded idealistic. It sounded nice though that it wasn’t all his fault, which was what his brain had been yelling at him for weeks.

 

“Dan, you know I tell you the truth a lot. Like even if it’s unprofessional I won’t hesitate to say things like ‘your mind’s messed up’ because it’s true and you agree. You’re still listening to me now because part of you knows why I’m saying what I am,” Ricky said, looking at him earnestly and Dan gave him a small smile.

 

“That’s why I keep coming back. I wouldn’t be here for sugarcoating,” Dan agreed and Ricky returned his grin.

 

“So you trust me when I say it’s not all your fault?”

 

“I guess,” Dan said but Ricky was still smiling as he leant back in his chair.

 

“I’ll take it. So, the next thing I wanted to ask you about was Phil. How’s that going, you avoided it earlier.”

 

Dan felt his brain shut down, “Not today,” he muttered. “We just solved a heavy topic, I don’t think I can talk about that stuff right now,” Dan decided and Ricky nodded.

 

“Okay that’s fine. Can I just check that you’re not in any dangerous situations concerning him?” 

 

“No, I’m not.” Aside from avoiding him because his feelings towards him were too confusing since waking up that morning.

 

_ Dan was gently woken up to Phil’s voice calling his name, a soft whisper as he blinked his eyes open. Phil was lying with his face parallel, smiling at him and pushing the hair away from his eyes.  _

 

_ Dan blinked a few more times, placing this Phil in his mind. It felt bizarre that he could now instantly tell the difference between the two Phils’. Even when he'd woken up for years like this by the other Phil, this felt different, felt like a first time experience.  _

 

_ “Hi,” Phil said, a content look on his face. “You have a very comfortable bed,” he told him and Dan hummed, taking in Phil’s morning look of bed hair, stubble and dry lips. He wasn't wearing his glasses yet which was probably why he was so close, but the distance wasn't new. Phil had been pressed against him for half the night. _

 

_ “You're very warm by the way, like a giant hot water bottle,” Phil babbled, Dan staying quiet. There was a happiness cast in this moment and Dan knew would break to pieces if he spoke. This was still his moment of selfishness, and he wanted to let it stay for a little longer.  _

 

_ “Hey, did you know,” Phil paused, his fingers trailing along Dan”s cheek. “That I haven't slept that well in a long while?” He said softly and Dan felt his stomach twist.  _

 

**_Cruel_ ** _.  _

 

_ “You hug in your sleep you know. I'm not sure how you don't smother Megan.” The words were harsh, seeing the sting on Phil’s face as he moved his hand away, letting out a fake laugh, saying something else Dan didn't pay attention to. Phil wasn't allowed to keep doing this while he had a girlfriend, Dan wouldn't be the one to ruin a relationship for one that would have lies spread throughout it constantly. It wasn't fair or right on anyone part of it.  _

 

_ Dan's attention was drawn back to Phil when he heard a nervous laugh and he started to sit up, leaving Phil lying there.  _

 

_ “Coffee?” Dan asked and Phil nodded, his expression lacking. _

 

_ “Yeah, thanks.” _

 

_ Dan left the room and went to their coffee machine (Dan's taste had grown past instant coffee having gotten used to good stuff) and grabbed some mugs, putting one sugar in his and three in Phil's before adding coffee and milk to both. A note was left on the counter from Henry, reminding Dan he was alone with Phil. _

 

**_I hope you feel okay, text me when you wake up and if you need anything. I'll cook tonight, please get these ingredients x_ **

 

_ There was a list underneath and Dan grabbed the mugs, walking back to his room where Phil was sitting up, glasses now on. Dan passed him the coffee before setting his own down, grabbing his phone to text Henry. _

 

_ “You make the best coffee,” Phil mumbled, looking groggier than when Dan had last seen him. _

 

_ “It's literally my job,” Dan told him, a small smile on Phil's lips. _

 

_ “Well you're good at it.” _

 

_ They stayed quiet, Dan thinking of last night and assuming Phil would be thinking about how to ask him about last night. _

 

_ “Dan-” _

 

_ “I'm okay now,” he'd cut in. “But I need to see my dad today,” he then added, feeling guilty that wasn't an earlier thought. _

 

_ “Of course _ . _ Kick me out whenever, but I'm here if you need me.” _

 

_ Dan wondered if Phil would comment on how he shouldn’t have been holding him as if they were a couple during the night. He wondered if Phil had woken up in the middle of the night and consciously hugged him or if he just forgot it was Dan. Or his subconscious had actually made him want to lie like that. It made Dan started to think of Phil’s reaction if he were to just walk up to him and sit on his lap. He could laugh or get flustered of kick Dan off. He could not question it because that seemed plausible as something confusing towards Dan’s feelings towards him. Dan wasn’t sure why all this had come into his head from just being offered Phil’s presence. He guessed it was just another worry that wouldn’t leave his head. _

 

_ “Dan, do you have work today? Do you need to call in and take time off?” Phil broke into his thought spiral. Shit, he’d forgotten he was meant to have a shift later. _

 

_ “I need to call in, thanks for reminding me,” he said. _

 

_ “I'll give you some space and use your bathroom to change,” Phil told him, leaving the room. _

 

_ Dan slumped down on the edge of the bed, scrolling through his contacts but before he dialed something peeked out from behind his plant, something black and shiny Dan was sure hadn’t been there before. He left his phone on his bed and picked it up, realising it was the sketch of his old Phil.  _

 

_ Dan let his fingers wistfully trace over the lines, the freckles on the cheeks, curve of the nose, crinkles around the eyes. New Phil still looked a lot like this, even though Dan had kept trying to convince himself they looked nothing alike. Maybe if he’d never lost his old Phil this new Phil would still be here. Things might be the same except without all the therapy and hospital stuff. Dan would be crazier, but maybe it would have been worth it to keep Phil. Even now thinking these thoughts, Dan realised he still missed having Phil as part of himself. He’d have comfort and warmth and wouldn’t be alone needing to make a call because Phil would be helping him. It wasn’t the same dynamic asking new Phil.  _

 

_ He gently put the picture frame down in it’s place, his mood darker. He felt empty as he sat down and called his work, explaining the situation, ironically thinking how this mood drop about his ex lover was giving him the tone of conviction to his boss about his mum.  _

 

_ Dan said something about taking a few days off and his boss understanding before he hung up and pressed his palms into his eyes. He really couldn’t stand how his emotions fluctuate so easily from extreme to extreme. Dan wasn’t really sure which were his own emotions anymore and not ones that came with his disorder and that was something that really freaked him out. _

 

_ He heard a soft knock at the door and looked up as it opened, Phil looking a little sheepishly to see if he was still on the phone.  _

 

_ “Hey, everything work out?” he asked and Dan gave a small nod. _

 

_ “I have three days, I didn’t tell them I wasn’t too close to her and then didn’t want more off,” Dan told him and Phil sat beside him. _

 

_ “Want a hug?” he’d asked and Dan leant into him instantly.  _

 

_ ‘You were only going to be selfish last night’ his brain warned him and Dan moved back before Phil could put his arm around him. He didn’t want to be treated like Phil would treat Megan at that moment. _

 

_ “I’m going to have a shower if that’s cool. Help yourself to anything in the fridge,” he said, standing up and leaving Phil staring after him awkwardly. At least he didn’t say anything with too much bite to it. Phil was only trying to help. _

 

Once Dan had showered Phil hadn’t stayed too long, Dan wanting to go and spend time with his dad and not being able to shut his thoughts up enough to spend time with Phil. Sometimes his thoughts were just a bit too loud.

 

Ricky was still looking at him curiously and Dan gave him a tired sigh in response.

 

“Well then, if you think you’ve gotten the most out of today you’re free to go. Appointment for two weeks? Earlier? I don’t want it to be later if that’s okay as we didn’t get to talk about everything,” Ricky said and Dan nodded just to satisfy him.

 

“Two weeks, is it okay if you text me a date? I kind of just want to go home and sleep now.”

 

_____

 

“You’re trying to push me away again.”

Dan was getting tired of Phil appearing randomly like this, flinging emotions Dan was too tired to handle at him. Yes he’d thought through the whole ‘unfair on Phil’ spiel but in all honestly Phil wasn’t alone, he wasn’t going to die from isolation and it wouldn’t destroy anything. Dan’s depression was really slapping him around the face and he just didn’t want to have to try and explain it to Phil yet again while hiding a large amount of the details.

 

Dan stared at Phil in the doorframe, then let out a sigh and turned, leaving the door open as he flopped down on the sofa. 

 

“Dan, please just talk to me,” Phil pleaded, following him inside and Dan shook his head.

 

“I can’t. I don’t know how, and I don’t want to. Not about me anyway,” Dan replied stubbornly and Phil groaned.

 

“That’s fine, but you could still try and talk to me about other stuff,” Phil mumbled and Dan sighed.

 

“Phil, there is no other stuff for me now. It’s working and sleeping and bad tv and Henry trying to keep me alive. That’s pretty much all I can remember from what’s been going on,” Dan vented and Phil fell quiet.

 

“I get it now,” he said, his tone softer. “But you’re not allowed to stew alone. It’s not good for you,” 

 

“Wow, surprising how the guy with depression is showing depressive symptoms  _ and _ is too tired from his depression to fight his depression,” Dan replied sarcastically.

 

“Stop. Okay, just stop it. Take a breath and just stop for a second. Unless you want to give me a reason, there is no point in being snarky to me,” Phil said bluntly and Dan let himself breathe, letting his thoughts collect. Phil needed to stop trying to actively help him so much.

 

“I’m just mad that I’m relapsing and doing it hard,” Dan said bitterly and Phil patted his shoulder.

 

“It sucks, if I could do something I would,” Phil told him and Dan shrugged. There wasn’t really anything anyone could do, apart from himself, which was the main reason he sucked. “If you’re up to it I was going to go to a Christmas market tonight to take photos. It’s only just started, do you wanna come? You don’t have to model if you don’t want to, I just want to spend some time with you and I think it would be good for you to get outside,” Phil asked, smiling sheepishly.

 

Dan’s mood lifted for around three seconds before a dull knife cut through it. 

 

“Shouldn’t you be taking Megan to something like this?” Dan asked, caring a little less if the bitterness came through in his voice. Dan's eye twitched slightly, a new line on his forehead. It was almost like it grew from Dan mentioning her, yet he kept smiling.

 

“She hates this kind of crowded event, and I want to hang out with you, Dan,” Phil said honestly, a little red on his cheeks and the line smoothing out a little. Dan felt a little ashamed that this out of everything was making him feel better.

 

“Yeah, okay. It will get me in the spirit and also remind me I really need to get presents for people,” Dan chuckled, giving Phil a weak smile.

 

“You’ve made my day. I don’t have my camera with me so I’m going to have to come home and pick it up before we go so should I pick you up around seven?” Phil asked and Dan nodded, tightening his lip. His mind was yelling  _ ‘date date date date’  _ loudly in his ear, making him have to shake his head to dislodge the thoughts. Luckily Phil didn’t misinterpret is as a ‘no’. “I’ll see you then so I don’t drain you socialising quota for today,” Phil smiled, patting his knee before standing back up. 

 

Dan watched as he pulled his coat back on, adjusting his scarf. His cheeks were still red from the cold outside and he didn’t have a hat when he should have. He looked good, but sort of as if Megan had dressed him. It wasn’t quite the messy Phil he knew, unless he’d made an effort just to see Dan. Of course he could be going somewhere else as well, Dan being just a drop in.

“Well I got to go. Well, I could stay longer if you want, I only need to buy cereal and edit some photos at home but you know. I’ll see you later, you’d better dress up warm,” Phil told him and Dan let out a real smile.

 

“Bye.” he said as Phil left the apartment. He’d come out just to see Dan.

 

_____

 

It was freezing outside and they’d only been at the market for about five minutes. Dan did have to admit it was pretty though, the fairy lights in the dark was mesmerising and everyone seemed to be happier than in daylight. Phil looked like he was already in heaven, taking photo after photo before Dan reminded him of his camera battery. 

 

They stopped at a hot dog stand, Dan buying them both a foot long dog and laughing at Phil when he got ketchup on his nose. They kept wandering, Phil trying to remember his German from school and Dan laughing at his pronounciation. He then found a candied nut stall and bought a bag of sugard almonds, handing the bag to Dan, munching with the cold pinking his cheeks.

 

“Hey are you okay with heights?” Phil asked as Dan finished his mouthful, him chewing quicklime and making a garbled noise to tell Phil to hang on while he finished. Phil just laughed and wiped sugar off his lip for him, making Dan’s heart jump and him finally swallow.

 

“Phil I live on your balcony, I’m fine, why?” he asked and Phil pointed behind him.

 

“Ferris wheel. I want to get some pics of the market from above. And maybe you as you look gorgeous in this light,” Phil added making Dan nod with happiness.

 

“Yeah, let’s go queue.”

 

The queue which had seemed mammoth from far away had died down by the time they’d got there, only having to wait a few minutes before they got shown into a car and it started moving. 

 

They sat opposite each other, Dan looking around happily, “It’s so nice up here, I want to know how the lights work though,” Dan said, looking at the one hanging over them. Phil didn’t respond and instead pulled his camera up and took a photo, Dan looking away shyly after. 

 

“You look like a happy kid,” Phil told him and Dan pouted.

 

“I’m not a child now though,”

 

“You act like one,” Phil retorted and Dan glared at him, thus furthering Phil’s point. “I liked you as one though, and I still like you now, so I guess it’s not a bad thing,” he told him and Dan’s face softened. He leant out a little to look over the edge, seeing the market get a little smaller with every new pod being filled. “How far are we from the top?” Phil asked, putting his camera down and Dan craned his neck upwards.

 

“About three more, probably be the stillest then because otherwise we’ll just be going round and we might not stop at the top when they get us off,” Dan said thoughtfully and Phil smiled.

 

“Good idea.” Dan let his hand hang over the edge, stroking through the cold air gently. “Romantic up here, don’t you think?” Phil asked and Dan spluttered.

 

“Fuck off,” was his response, making Phil laugh. 

 

“But don’t you think? It’s magical, all fireworks and stars,” Phil elaborated, gesturing. 

 

Dan made himself shrug, “I guess.”

 

“Maybe you’re not quite into that stuff,” Phil mumbled, starting to fidget with his camera, pointing it out the pod. 

 

Phil was very wrong. Dan’s heart was racing although he knew Phil only meant it in a fairytale way. Well, he’d already asked Dan on this ‘date’ and now he was talking about being in a romantic setting with him. Dan was sure that wasn’t the most friendly discussion. Was Phil actually talking about it being love story romantic? He wasn’t going to lie, this seemed pretty gay. But Megan was a thing still. 

 

Dan was probably getting ahead of himself again.

 

Dan watched as they came to a short halt, Phil leaning over the edge a little to take the best photo he could. It was almost fascinating seeing him work, and at one point Dan reached out and clutched his jacket as he stood up, Phil having leaned a little too enthusiastically for Dan’s nerves. The movement had made Dan slide closer to him and Phil looked back and grinned reassuringly, but Dan held on just in case, a small blush radiating off his cheeks.

 

“I’m not gonna fall,” Phil told him gently but Dan shook his head.

 

“If this thing moves you’re going to jolt and I’m not losing you.” 

 

Phil turned away, his look almost bashful, and took one more photo, sitting down by the edge facing Dan so they could both look out.

 

“See, I didn’t fall,” Phil said and Dan let go of his sleeve, letting out a small sigh. 

 

“Only because I was holding on to you,” he mumbled grumpily, but Phil’s smile made him flush back in response. The ferris wheel jolted, their carriage starting to move forward properly and Dan flashed Phil a smug look, but Phil was looking over the edge, eyes flicking to Dan, then away again.

 

“Er, Dan. There was another reason I wanted you to come up here with me,” Phil mumbled, giving him a bare smile. He looked almost skittish. Dan’s stomach dropped and he desperately stared out at the city, determined not to look back at Phil. Dan felt like was something he shouldn’t hear.

 

However, his curiosity spoke before his wit ,“oh?” he asked.

 

“Nothing bad, just- Dan, please… look, at me.” There was a small plea in Phil’s voice. Dan waited a few seconds, letting his expression slacken, working up the nerve in case Phil did something new when he turned around. But then there were too many seconds and Dan was too scared to move-

 

“Dan.” Phil had reached out and took a hand that was in his lap, making Dan jump and look around. “Ah, there you are,” Phil joked feebly. 

 

Dan’s mouth was dry, “What did you want to say?” he asked, squeezing his eyes shut from nerves. Dan felt his hand brush his cheek.

 

He didn't realise it, but he was leaning towards Phil. The hand grasping his own felt so soft, the idea too inviting that he couldn't stop himself.

 

_ He let his lips drop open slightly, yet he still gasped when he felt Phil’s press against them. Phil’s hand moved to cup his jaw, exhaling through his nose as he leaned further into Dan, his mouth parting slightly. Dan moved into him, grabbing onto his shoulder through his jacket, his body shuddering under the shock and elation of Phil actually wanting him. This kiss was different to all the ones he’d shared with his old Phil, this felt so much more real, wasn’t clouded in pain and was sweet instead of bitter. _

 

_ Phil's other hand was now on Dan’s jaw as well, using it to slowly tilt Dan’s head to the side. He moved in again, firmer, more decisive. Dan’s hand curled tighter into the clothing, his lips open but his body twitching, shuddering from the intensity and apprehension of the moment. _

 

_ Phil then pulled away, Dan’s name leaving his mouth in a sigh, as if it was the sweetest thing he’d tasted. _

 

_ Dan was still leaning up into him while Phil held him tightly, hands shaking. Adrenaline was clouding Dan’s mind as they paused for breath, foreheads touching. Dan's eyes flickered over Phil's face, seeing blank expression and feeling panic well up inside him. Then Phil smiled. There was relief and joy and Phil had wanted to kiss Dan. He'd really wanted to kiss him. Dan had never thought that would ever happen- _

 

“Dan, sweetheart, you don’t have to be scared.”

 

His eyes opened and he looked at Phil bewilderedly. 

 

_ Stupid, that would never be real. _

 

“Can I talk?” Phil asked and Dan just blinked in response. Phil seemed to think that had meant ‘yes’. 

 

Phil squeezed his hand a little more firmly and shuffled forward, blushing under the light. Dan looked at him, nausea crawling into his mouth.

 

“Dan, this is going to sound stupid as fuck, you’ll probably laugh at me. Just,” Phil looked down for a second, then right into Dan’s eyes. “I think I’m friend in love with you?”

 

He asked it like a question, as if he wanted Dan to respond. The whole city could be exploding and Dan wouldn’t register it, let alone the fact Phil could want an answer.

 

Phil continued rambling.

 

“Like I don’t love you in a romantic sense but I want the best things for you and you’re always in my mind? Like I’ll always be like ‘oh this reminds me of Dan’ or ‘Dan would like this’. It’s so hard to explain, I’m probably just making you uncomfortable but I really love you and want you to know I’ll be here for you always. You fascinate me and I don’t know anyone I’d rather know like this. Sorry I made this over dramatic, I just… wanted you to feel special.”

 

Dan’s face was still void of emotion as Phil looked at him earnestly. Dan had to look away; he didn’t feel the same. Maybe for Henry he knew what that was like, but not for this Phil. Dan knew his love was romantic and he couldn’t stomach the thought of replying.

 

He looked out at the crowd as they were descending, the carts now slowly letting people off. Something caught his eye. Someone caught his eye.

 

His breathing stopped as down in the crowd, looking back up at him, was his old Phil. And he looked _ broken _ .

 

Dan was gripping the metal, eyes firmly set on his Phil who was trying to say something, his mouth repeating the words and Dan gripped harder, trying to work it out. Movements and sounds and suddenly Dan knew what he’d said. 

 

_ ‘You replaced me.’ _

 

No. No he couldn’t have. He had to get to him, he had to explain it was the other way round, he needed to reach his Phil.

 

Dan felt arms around his waist tugging him back and Dan realised he’d been reaching his leg over the side, ready to jump, metres from the ground. 

 

“Dan what’s wrong,” Phil was asking as he held him back but Dan kept staring, struggling towards him. His poor, broken Phil. Dan had to explain, had to lie, had to see him and he was  _ right there _ . Dan hadn’t seen him for years. Dan needed to talk to him again.

 

Everything that had happened felt like nothing compared to this chance of seeing his Phil again. All the panic attacks and heartaches and progress was gone. It hadn’t mattered because right now Dan was reaching for his Phil and didn’t care about the consequences.

 

He was getting closer to the floor and the angle was making it harder to keep his focus on his Phil. Instead he pinpointed the lamppost he was under, trying to yell to him that he was coming, but his voice wasn’t working, his mind screaming it in last resort.

 

Their door was open and Phil finally let go and Dan nearly ran towards where he’d seen Phil, pushing through people, using the post as his guide. It took him longer than he’d liked, having to duck and weave and then he hit it, grabbing it to support him and he looked around wildly, trying to spot Phil. There were colours blurring and bright lights blaring and Dan spun, searching for him desperately but saw nothing. 

 

He’d gone.

 

He’d imagined it.

 

Dan felt as if his organs were caving in, his mind part of a rock slide as he kept turning, just in the chance he’d missed him, was just looking past him in the crowd. He felt a hand grab his arm and he spun around, tears in his eyes, praying it was Phil.

 

It was the wrong one.

 

“Dan, what happened?” Phil was panting and Dan stared at this stranger, his lip trembling.

 

“I thought I saw him again,” he whispered, then his strength exhausted.

 

Dan's vision was so blurred he couldn't see Phil’s look of uncertainty. He could however still feel, and he leant into the touch as Phil wrapped an arm around his shoulder and started leading him somewhere. Part of Dan was glad to have this Phil with him, but the other half was screaming that everything that had happened was wrong. His head was yelling that he hadn't seen the other Phil at all, but also that this was his old Phil right now. He had replaced his old Phil, but had hallucinated him, except he was also real.

 

Dan's brain was fighting every thought, leaving him with no abilities other than to sniff and clutch at the Phil beside his coat.

 

Dan slowly became aware that the noise was getting further away, the air seemed colder and Phil didn't having to push him around as much. When they finally did stop, dan was able to look up and see Phil looking terrified, out of focus where his eyes had puffed up.

 

“Dan, can you breathe?” Phil asked. Hed moved away, now at arms length, a hand gently resting on his cheek to check for signs of damage. Dan gave a small nod in reply and looked around, noticing they were beside a large plane of water. He moved slightly, letting Phil's arms fall away from his body. Instead of seeking contact, he reached out and clutched the railing, looking down into the water that looked black in this light, only golden street lamps to make it glisten. 

 

“Who did you think you saw again?” Phil asked gently, moving beside him, their shoulders touching. 

 

Dan let out a small sigh, not caring about avoiding the subject anymore. “My ex.”

 

Phil’s shoulder moved away.

 

“The one which means I can't use the 'L word' as a pet name for you?” Phil asked and Dan nodded. He let out a small whistle. “You guys didn't end too well, right?”

 

Dan shuddered, trying not to think about it too much, “horribly. I mean our relationship wasn't good either, but I, yeah,” he said finally, sighing his grievance. “It wasn't good.”

 

Reality was slowly catching up. His old Phil wasn’t real, this one was. He had loved his old Phil and he loved this one. His old Phil had been unhealthy, this one was one-sided. Other feelings were too complicated.

 

Dan caught Phil's distorted reflection in the water, all wavy lines and ripples. He turned to watch Phil out of the corner of his eye. He was licking his lips, leaving his mouth open a little too long for it to be a comfortable topic.

 

“Yet you tried to jump off a Ferris wheel to get to him,” Phil stated. 

 

The realisation punched Dan in the gut. Phil let out a low chuckle, no humour behind it, “man, he fucked you up good.”

 

“No, he…” Dan trailed off. Phil was right.

 

“Hey Dan, do you still love him?” Phil asked gently. Dan closed his eyes and felt more tears slip down his cheeks. 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

He glanced over at Phil, wiping his eyes and seeing him pushing his hair back roughly.

 

“You said I looked a bit like him, right? When we first met did you come up to me because you thought I was him?” He wondered and Dan’s body shuddered. If he told the truth then he’d lose this Phil, and no matter how much he wanted his old Phil back, this one was just as precious to him.

 

_ Lie. _

 

“No. I thought it was you,” he managed, watching Phil sigh in relief. 

 

“Good.”

 

They stayed quiet for a minute or so, Dan’s body shuddering with aftershocks and weak sniffs. Dan didn’t like how Phil wasn’t talking, was barely touching or looking at him. Did he know Dan had hallucinated?

 

“Dan, maybe we shouldn’t see each other for a bit.” Dan’s head jerked around, staring at Phil in disbelief. “I mean, I look like him, it must be freaking you out. I… don’t want to be a reminder of him,” 

 

“No,” Dan said quickly. “No.”

 

“Not forever, just for a little while-”

 

“No,” he cut him off, hands shaking, reaching over to unbutton Phil’s coat.

 

“Dan-”

 

“No.” he repeated, sliding his hands under Phil’s coat and around his waist, hugging him tightly. “The things you said, up there… that’s me, too,” Dan mumbled. Dan’s felt Phil dip his head and press it into his neck, his breath tickling Dan’s ear and making him sigh.

 

_ Liar. _

 

“Are you sure it wouldn't be better for me to stay away for a while?” Phil asked.

 

“Definitely not. Seeing you helps me, it separates your looks from his. You're nothing like him,” Dan said, burying his nose into Phil’s coat. The new warmth they were sharing was calming Dan, coaxing him into new thoughts, ones he wasn’t too sure he’d had before. 

 

“You're better than he ever was. I knew him when I barely knew anything and I clutched to him because I needed his support and knew no other kind. I'm clutching at you because I want to, and want you,” Dan told him, curling his fingers into the jumper Phil had on.

 

“I think it's for my warmth personally, but I guess I'll believe you,” Phil chuckled, and Dan pulled back to look at him, his grip still tight. There faces were close and Dan could just reach up and kiss him if he really wanted to-

 

“Only a little,” he admitted, leaning his face back against his shoulder. Phil tucked his head back against his neck, his mouth moving a little, a small sound coming out which Dan couldn’t quite hear. It still made Dan’s spine shiver, the light touch of lips against bare skin making his breathing sharp.

 

He made himself move away, feeling a slight tautness of Phil’s hands against him before he released them. Dan glanced at him before buttoning Phil's coat back up for him and offering a smile. “Thanks for stopping me jumping,” he then added, looking at the floor.

 

“Yeah, please don't do that again or I'll get toddler reins,” Phil warned, but was joking. Hopefully. 

 

“Have you enjoyed the fair enough? Got a good amount of photos?” Dan asked and Phil nodded.

 

“I do, except one.” 

 

He grabbed at Dan’s waist, pulling him towards him (and making Dan yelp). He held up his camera and positioned it facing them, wrapping his free arm around Dan's shoulder.

 

“Smile!” Phil told him and Dan grinned, glancing over at Phil before facing the lens, his mind feeling lighter. Sure he still had a lot of worries, but this was helping him forget them for a while.

 

Phil turned the screen to look at them and then beamed at the outcome, “these are great!” 

 

Dan peered over and saw the happiness on both their faces, the crinkles in Phil's eyes and the way their faces were almost touching.

 

“You have to send me these,” Dan told him and Phil nodded.

 

“Of course. Now I'm done and it's time to go. What do you want to do? I kind of don't want to let you out of my sight,”

 

Dan felt heat creeping into his cheeks, “do you want to hang out at mine for a bit then?”

 

“Yeah, sure.”

 

Dan wasn't sure if walking back towards town was normal with Phil’s arm around his shoulder and his own hand on his waist, but he really couldn't care less now.

 

_____

 

Dan had barely unlocked the door when he heard Henry's scream, “you had a breakdown!”

 

Dan’s eyes widened for a split second before Henry was almost slamming into him, looking all over his face and arms for any signs of injury, his hand on Dan’s cheek.

 

Dan shook him off gently, looking over at Phil who winced guiltily, “did you tell him?” He asked sternly.

 

“He said I should tell him if anything like that happened!” Phil said defensively and Dan sighed. 

 

“Hen. I'm okay,” he said, turning back and resting his hands gently on Henry’s shoulders.

 

“You look like shit,” he replied and Dan laughed tiredly.

 

“Thanks, I'm probably just dehydrated,” he said, shuffling past Henry and into the kitchen pouring himself a glass of water, sipping it.

 

“Was it a bad one?” Henry asked while Dan started taking off his coat, eyes flicking over to Phil who shook his head at him.

 

“No, the crowd just got too much for me,” Dan told him, hanging up his belongings and flopping down on the sofa, Phil sitting on the chair.

 

“Did Phil look after you? Did he get you somewhere quieter? Did he-”

 

“Yes, Jesus Henry. I'm fine, stop stressing so much-”

 

Dan was cut off by Henry plopping down on his lap and gently kissing him. He'd learnt this trick a few years ago as a way of making the conversation slow down, or Dan shut up. If he kissed Dan softly enough it would make him flustered and be more compliant, and therefore easier to win him over. He didn't use it apart from special occasions, like when he wasn't sure Dan was telling the truth or not, but it seemed to still work as he pulled away.

 

Dan's ears had even gone red and he looked away, biting his lips. “I got a text and I was scared. Let me worry about you,” Henry whispered and paused before Dan nodded, looking fully embarrassed. “Thank you.” He turned and looked at Phil, absentmindedly petting through Dan's hair, placing another kiss against his temple. “Are you sure it wasn't anything too bad?” He asked and Dan held his breath for Phil’s answer.

 

“Yeah, I've seen a lot worse,” Phil said and Dan looked up and smiled at him gratefully. Phil's smile didn't quite fit his cheeks.

 

“Good,” Henry said decisively, kissing Dan's cheek before rolling to sit beside him. Dan glanced over at Phil again, seeing an thoughtful look on his face. Dan wondered if he felt bad for lying to Henry, but he couldn't have Henry blow up and possibly expose him in front of Phil. 

 

“Hey Phil, me and Dan were going to start a series, want to watch with us? It's on Netflix so you could watch at home if you like it, it's meant to be good,’ Henry offered and Phil gave a small smile and nodded.

 

“Yeah, sure.”

 

Henry set it up and then snuggled back down against Dan’s side, his arm naturally going to rest around Henry’s shoulders. Dan let out a relieved sigh. He was glad for the comfort and distractions that Henry brought. He wanted the rest of the night to not let him think.

 

_____

 

Phil was still unusually quiet when Henry had gone to bed and he'd moved next to Dan, mindlessly staring at the TV. Dan looked over at him, teeth tearing at the skin on his lip.

 

“Phil,’ he said quietly, his tone testing Phil’s mood. “Were you okay with lying to Henry? I just really didn't want him to flip out, I don't think I could handle it tonight,” Dan asked nervously and Phil turned to look at him.

 

“No that was fine, I get it.”

 

Back to silence.

 

“Is something wrong? You're being weirdly silent,”  Dan asked, waiting for a lie to come. However, he decided he wouldn’t press the matter if Phil didn’t want to discuss it.

 

“Are- do you and Henry usually do stuff like that?” He asked awkwardly and Dan blinked in surprise. This had been bugging Phil?

 

“Like cuddle?”

 

“No, kiss, like he did. Intimately.” He wasn’t looking at Dan properly, scanning his face rather than meeting his eyes. It felt like he was under scrutiny.

 

“Oh.” He hadn’t quite expected that. “Not really, he just knows it shuts me up,” Dan explained casually, hoping Phil would mirror his tone. He was almost worried that Phil would be mad at him for it. 

 

“But you went bright red, is there some kind of history there?” He wondered, scratching the back of his neck.

 

“Er, yeah there’s some. I mean, when we were teens ‘discovering ourselves’, we slept together. It wasn’t like a huge deal, and we’ve always been close, it just felt right to have sex for the first time with someone we trusted.” Phil’s eyes widened a little. “It makes me blush because Henry is a really good kisser if anything,” Dan told him while Phil’s brow was furrowed, conflict on his face. “Henry used to be in love with me, so it probably should be him blushing, but I don’t know, it’s just us I guess. We’ve always been like this.”

 

Phil looked up at those final words, “always? Even when you were with that guy?”

 

A chill ran down Dan’s spine. Technically he guessed it had, but that’s because this had all happened when Phil was still there, but it felt wrong to say it? It wasn’t when he was with Amelie though, so maybe it actually had been less romantic when Phil was around too. He couldn’t remember enough to fully know.

 

He laughed nervously, looking at the floor as he replied, “I guess not so much back then.”

 

Dan glanced over at Phil to see him smearing his hands down his face, letting out a weird kind of groan. “Is it bad that I’m almost jealous how that wasn’t me? Like how I wasn’t there to have that kind of experience with you, to get that sort of closeness?”

 

Dan nearly choked on his breath. How the fuck was he meant to respond to the idea of Phil wishing he could have had sex with him? Mind you, as Dan slowly put his mind into perspective, Phil just wanted the strength and intimacy formed from those experiences, not the specific experiences themselves. He could see it by watching Phil fidget with his fingers and desperately look away from Dan. It didn’t mean Dan knew how to react properly however.

 

“This sounds a lot like you just want to kiss me, Philip,” Dan joked weakly and Phil’s eyes darted up to his own. 

 

“I…” His words trailed off. 

 

Oh. 

 

“I…” Phil tried again, his eyes on Dan’s lips. “Maybe.” 

 

_ Oh.  _ Oh Dan was probably going to hate himself in the future for this, but he had to be the stronger person.

 

“Phil, you don’t need to for that.” He said, gently taking one of Phil’s hands and squeezing it. “As much as I would have loved to share that part of my life with you, we can’t change that. I know I’ve known you for longer but I’ve spent more recent years with Henry so it’s natural for us to be on a higher level than we are now. But that’s okay.” Dan took a deep breath. “I don’t open up much, I barely talk to most of the people at my work because I’m a messy person and I see them so often. But with you I hadn’t seen you for years and then let you into my life, all the stuff I didn’t want people to see. I’ve let you help me in times like today and that’s so difficult for me normally, but it feels easy with you.”

 

Dan paused for a moment as he organised the thoughts in his mind, looking at Phil earnestly, trying to gage his reaction. He couldn’t see much though, as Phil had bent over, hiding most of his face. Dan gently (even with his hand shaking) reached over and lifted Phil’s chin to make him look back at him.

 

“I think we need to stop measuring our relationship against other people’s. You’re different to Henry and I’m different to Megan, we’re going to have a different relationship. I think what matters is that we’re happy with what we have now and happy with it growing and seeing what happens.” Dan told him and after a few seconds, Phil presented him with a soft smile.

 

“Yeah,” he agreed.

 

“Yeah?” Dan repeated, checking he’d heard correctly.

 

“Yeah,” Phil nodded. 

 

“Wow, that was probably the most adult I’ve ever been,” Dan said, flopping back and smiling happily, letting his hand move out of Phil’s grasp. Then he felt his stomach churn as he sat back up, his smile fading a little. “But if you still want a kiss…” he trailed off, leaning forward and taking hold of Phil’s face, gently tilting it down. He tried to stop himself. He kissed Phil’s forehead. 

 

_ You couldn’t help yourself, could you? _

 

“Way to make the moment gayer,” Phil chuckled, a rose dusting his cheeks.

 

“Sorry I didn’t have my rainbow flag,” Dan responded and Phil laughed, making Dan’s stomach ease a little.

 

“Seriously though, when did you get so good with words, usually you’re useless,” Phil teased, making Dan scowl.

 

“Get out. I’m not tolerating your rudeness after I was so nice to you,” Dan told him, pointing to the door. 

 

“To be honest I should probably leave. It’s pretty late and I need to get back,” Phil said standing up.

 

“Yeah, it’s pretty dark out as well. Thanks for looking after me tonight,” Dan said, standing up with him and watching him slip on his shoes and coat. 

 

“Anytime. See you soon, Dan.” Then he leant forwards and kissed Dan’s forehead in return, smiling, and left. 

 

Dan’s legs gave out from under him and he slid down the closed door, his head hitting against his knees. Nausea had slapped straight into him, the evening’s events catching up to him, almost as if Phil had cast a protective spell over him while he was there. But now Phil had left, and Dan remembered he’d hallucinated his old Phil.

 

_ ‘You replaced me’. _

 

Dan hadn’t, had he? Phil had looked so broken, but Dan knew they were different. Well, he didn’t at first, and he’d made the mistake a few more times after, but-

 

He’d replaced him. Without the intention to, this new Phil had taken up that slot in his life. No wonder Phil had looked awful, and Dan was the one to do this to him. It had been the worst timing as well, oh god.

 

Dan clutched at his head, raking his nails against his scalp. He needed to tell himself that Phil wasn’t there, that he was a hallucination, not a person. But Phil had and always would be real in some way, he could never get rid of that, and now wherever he was he was broken to see Dan with a shinier version of himself. Dan was disgusted with himself.

 

“I’m sorry,” he gasped, his body starting to shiver, curling in further on himself. “I’m so sorry.”

 

He wondered if he’d ever see that Phil again now. He wished he didn’t want to.   
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well... yeah shit got real again lol. Unfortunately im not sure when this will be updated because again i suck and shit, i'll try and make my friend who i get to proof read my stuff to bug me about it and i'll try and find the thing saying my plans for the rest of the story. Ngl it's probably not gonna be happy but hey we're here for the ride aint we. 
> 
> (also if u cant tell by the super casual format im used to writing in writing stuff like this is a lot harder for me to wrap my head around and i usually write at night bc my brain loves to keep me tired and i get more real results. so yeah)
> 
> Anyways thank you guys for being here still! im not really active on tumblr anymore but i'll still post that i've updated this on there, otherwise i'm kind of just floating around space. Leave a comment if u wanna like contact me, I'll probably reply to that updating u. 
> 
> Hope your all doing okay!! see u soon hopefully!

**Author's Note:**

> Well I'm sorry but also not everything is happy endings. Well, happy beginnings. This will have a happy ending I promise. Otherwise that would suck.
> 
> I hope you guys liked it. No idea when the next bit will be out but probably sorry in advance. Dan is going to need a while to come to terms with this 'new' Phil and his feelings towards him.


End file.
